"Good morning, ladies and gentlemen, I'm thrilled to have been named the keynote speaker at Nebraska's spring coaches' clinic. I'm even more thrilled to find that Nebraska has achieved statehood. Back when we played the Cornshuckers in '92 and '93, with the second of those two being for the national title, I remember thinking to myself, 'Boy, those kids from Nebraska Territory sure do have a lot of pluck. Just imagine what they could do if they had the funds and resources that would be allocated to them as a full-fledged member of the union.' Well, y'all have done that, and I tip my cap to you. This is a right nice program you've put together here.

"But what I want to talk about today doesn't have to do with football, or statehood -- it has to do with family. Now, I know how important family is to all you good folks in the Cornshucker State. And I think we all know how building a big family is more important these days than ever, if we're ever going to produce enough red-blooded American babies to compete with the Chinamen, who still lead us by about seven hundred million and are popping out more every day. [pause for applause] But specifically, I want to talk to you about my family -- especially my sons, Tommy, Terry, and Jeff, what they mean to my wife and me, and what they could mean to you if you hired them as coaches.

"I'll pause now so you can take a look at the packets that you found at your seats when you sat down this morning. [pause as audience opens packets] Inside each packet are head shots of each of my sons, along with their résumés. Tommy isn't doin' too much with himself these days, he'd be happy to get a phone call from you if you had a position open. Terry and Jeff are coachin' at the University of North Alabama, a Division II school, but I'm sure they'd leave for Lincoln in a second if you asked 'em to. But I'll start with Tommy first since he's the one without a job.

"Tommy was born on a hot summer day in Birmingham, Alabama, in 1954. I was out of town when Ann went into labor -- I needed a new heel for my shoe, so I'd gone up to Morganville, which is what they called Huntsville in those days. I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time . . . "