EVERYONE NEEDS A SIDE HUSTLE

Al Kapone, legendary Memphis rapper, still moves furniture for a living. Why? Because in an unpredictable life, everyone needs a side hustle, a little bidness/enterprise to keep you fed and happy through the lean times. Ours is plumbing. Holly's is African hair braiding and plastic surgery fixer . Doug's: Ice Trucker and Inuit Gigolo. 

Coaches aren't immune from the need for backup plans and economic stopgaps, either. Since graduate assistants are paid in stale bagels and rolls of nickels, they've been doing this for years and remain quite adept at it.  Some of them are real, and some of them are so REAL you can't handle their realness. 

Lou Holtz: thold burial plotsth. 

Mark Mangino: Ambalamps driver 

Mike Leach: Divison one football coach

Nick Saban: The most committed, organized, and determined Armani-wearing lawn gnome you've ever seen. Also: greyhound racing jockey. 

[NAME REDACTED]: Electric rabbit on rail at greyhound racing track. 

Urban Meyer: Cable company contractor. He came to your house, but you missed him, and he'll be back sometime between the hours of nine and August of 2010. 

Jim Tressel: Locksmith, Public Notary, Male Prostitute. 

Les Miles: Homeopathic medicine. Specializes in Trepanning. Trust him, because it's all about the timing, 

Lane Kiffin: Sells shrimp out of trunk. Drives away before you notice the smell coming from the bag. 

Mark Richt: Paper pulp salesman. Good because he's comfortable with bad smells coming from Jacksonville. 

Mack Brown: Governor of Texas. 

Tom O'Brien: Parking meter (coins go in mouth.) 

Bobby Johnson: Hollywood actor, writer, comedian, and part-time banjo player. 

Rich Rodriguez: Schwan's guy. 

Dave Wannstedt: Wedding planner

Pat Fitzgerald: Pool boy. 

Randy Shannon: Roofing. Very serious, unsmiling roofing. 

Ed Orgeron: Fur Trapping/ Telemarketing 

Bobby Petrino: Bookie 

Rick Neuheisel: Hand Modeling. Like they're carved from Vermont Marble, we tell you. 

Tim Brewster: Sells rings, brooches, and replica broadswords on QVC every Saturday from 2--4 a.m. 

Gene Chizik: Does Trivia Night at the Auburn Supper Club every Tuesday. 

Paul Johnson: Runs day care out of his offices as "PJ'S SHUT THE HELL UP DAYCARE FOR QUIET BABIES WHO KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS." 

Bob Griese: Not a coach, but does now run a successful gourmet taco truck business with Juan Pablo Montoya. 

Mark Dantonio: Catches stray cats to sell to medical research labs. And for the fun of it. Don't forget the fun of it. 

Mike Locksley: Home security. Very. Hands-on. Home security. 

Houston Nutt: Unlicensed rural midwifery. Bootlegging. 

Dan Hawkins: Runs roadside geode, buffalo jerky, dreamcatcher and wolf-shirt stand. 

Jim Leavitt: Holds sign reading "WHY LIE I NEED A BEER" at the Fowler offramp off I-275 in Tampa. 

Doug Marrone: Irish Traveler. Thinks your roof needs some repairs. 

Bret Bielema: Runs buses full of senior citizens across Canadian border for cheap pharmaceuticals. 

Bill Stewart: Buttonmaker, whittler, and master dulcimer player available for parties in the Morgantown area. 

Frank Beamer: Fortune Teller and Astrological Advisor. 

Pat Hill: Bounty Hunter. 

Joe Paterno: Writes erotic thrillers for the African-American market. 

Dennis Erickson: Details cars for $27 a piece in the parking lot of Sun Devil Stadium. 

George O'Leary: The most intense personal training you could ever hope to receive. 

Kirk Ferentz: Brazilian waxing, nails, and other home spa treatments. 

Howard Schnellenberger: Dog walking, but he doesn't even need a leash because they follow him on command. Dogs know what's up with Schnelly.