Jeff Whitaker, the number four rated player in the AJC's top 50, committed to Auburn today after deciding Auburn would be a better place for him to both play football and pursue his passion for avante-garde performance art.
"Yeah, those Georgia guys were on me pretty good, and Miami are good people. Randy Shannon will have them back to the top in no time at all. But when it came to understanding my place in a 4-3 defense and my love for post-structuralist, confrontational performance art, Auburn just blew me away on both counts."
Whitaker was reportedly enchanted by several aspects of Auburn's recruiting.
"Seriously, they showed up in a white limousine on a recruiting tour, which was a brilliant nod to the very plasticky, consumerist, almost Dallas-y decor I like to use as the backdrops in my pieces. It juxtaposes nicely with the earthy realist elements of the body work I do in my pieces, especially Raging Fudgeburner, my award-winning piece where I set kerosene soaked steel-wool on fire while reciting The Secret in front of a huge picture of Neve Campbell. It's about success."
"Additionally, Coach Chizik and the coaches were just real cool, and called me all the time and stayed in touch."
Whitaker was bowled over by Auburn's facilities and the town itself, factors he said definitely weighed in Auburn's favor.
Miami's nice, but you know, Auburn had this whole Mayberry meets Truman Show thing going on. Their commitment to theatre is clear, because you can't live like that without a serious commitment to the role. Not having a Sephora or an Apple store? Really, that's sacrifice for art, something I understand deeply after living in Warner-Robins all these years for my art.
They also took me to a titty bar, and that was nice.
Whitaker bolsters an Auburn class ranked fourth in the country by Rivals.com, something Holland Cotter, NY Times art critic, calls "Chizik's boldest masterpiece yet in Neo-Dadaism, and a feat putting him on the heels of the region's great master of meaningless but provocative art, Baton Rouge's Les Miles."
ps. We have no idea how Gene Chizik is recruiting like this.