CRAIG JAMES AND THE MAGICAL CHRISTMAS SHED
by Spencer Hall on Dec 23, 2010 11:51 AM EST
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PrintChristmas time. Your television.
Craig James: You! Your Christmas is going great, but do you want it to go greaterer? Do you want to do Jesus birthday right? Do you not do Jesus birthday? Why not? Don't you believe in Jesus? Katy Perry, don't you believe in Jesus?
Katy Perry: Presents! Who are you?
Craig James: Ha ha that is a good question, Kately. I'm Craig James, football star and television personality.
Katy Perry: You played basketball? I LOVE BASKETBALL.
Craig James: That's right, Cary. And I also love Christmas.
Katy: I love it too! My husband got me a special gift for Christmas!
[Perry begins squirting whipped cream from her boob-cannons]
Craig James: WOOO! Hey, Katy, stop it! You're gonna get whipped cream all over our presents here!
Perry: But it's not whipped cream!
Craig James: Then what is it?
[Silence. Staring.]
Craig James: I've got a Christmas album, and I think you're going to love it. Tell 'em about it, Carrie!
Katy Perry: It's called Cain Jaigs Christmas Shit!
Craig James: That's right, it's Craig James' Christmas Shed, a collection of my renditions of classic Christmas songs.
Katy Perry: You'll get songs like this!
Craig James begins to lip-sync in an abnormally deep voice that is obviously not his own.
Ohhh Christmas Shed, Ohhh Christmas Shed...
Thy floor it is so cozy
Ohhh Christmas Shed, Ohhh Christmas
To lawyer's rooms we'll mozy...
A family source, a pic we'll send
A coach's reign is what we'll end
Ohhh Christmas Shed, Ohhh Christmas Shed
A copter dad is nosy.
Katy Perry: That's aflazing!
Craig James: There's more! Take our version of Carol of the Shed, featuring my son and budding R 'n B star Adam James!
Hark how your head
locked in the shed
It seems to say
practice is gay...
Craig James: Because it is!
Katy Perry: And then there's this song!
Ding dong merrily on head
in brain the bells are ringing
ding dong merrily the shed
is riv'n with cartoon bluebirds singing
Craig James: I do love those bluebirds! What'd you get for Christmas, Katy?
Katy Perry: My husband gave me burpees!
Craig James: That's great! Here's another one of my favorites.
Craig James now begins to lipsync again, but in a high-pitched voice, as if he had just inhaled helium.
God Rest Ye, Lazy Scout-Teamer
Fear nothing you see here,
You'll persevere and triumph
With two catches on the year...
Katy Perry: What's a scart teeen?
James: Kandy, what are some of your favorite holiday songs?
Perry: I LUG CANDY!
James: Here's another of my favorites!
[to the tune of "Christmas in Hollis"]
It's Christmas-Time
In Dallas Texas
I'm punching hoboes
in the solar plexus
Perry: I don't know what you're saying!
James: I don't, unless you like the idea of me beating homeless people! Whatever gets me elected!
Perry: Beating homeless people is Crickmas to me!
James: Me too, unless it's not! Whatever you like! This collection will give your family the gift of Christmas spirit in song after song taken from our personal James family collection. You'll get classics like these!
Red Raider's Head Carol
Into The Shed, Adam Isabella
SHED! The Herald Angels Sing ("It's cool in here and we have XBox")
All I Want For Christmas Is A State Senate Seat
Mike Patrick Touched Me On The Upper Leg Under The Misteltoe And I'm Filing Suit
I Heard The Shed On ESPN Gameday
Come Thou Long Expected Lawsuit
James: ...and so much more! Order now and you'll get your own Christmas Village piece custom made especially for the season.
Perry: It's like a little house made of little house parts! Who's that?
James: That little guy? Why, he goes right in the James Family Christmas Shed, where all happy holiday memories reside!
Perry: [picks up figurine and eats it.] YUM!
Announcer: A spectacular like this would normally sell for several dollars more than this, but for today and today only you can receive this special holiday offering for only ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHTY FIVE DOLLARS. That's right, ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHTY FIVE DOLLARS! Order now and receive the free Craig James Christmas Shed with Figurines and a Craig James Spiritual Warfare Workout DVD! Get Pony Power In just a half hour a day!
[PONY POWER NOISE OF WHINNYING. Picture of Craig James in neon green tank top giving a thumbs up.]
OPERATORS ARE STANDING BY!
James: In a shed!
Perry: [SHOOTS MYSTERY GOO FROM BOOB CANNONS AND LAUGHS]
Happy Holidays from EDSBS.
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I love my Christmas Shed.
And boob-cannons, too.
Happy Holidays to all of you reprobates, miscreants, and jackanapes!
Ah, ah, ah, a pirate first with a lawyer's wasted education, and himself bound by the fiendish ties of a legal disputation.
It's official, I have seen too much Craig James and been forced to listen to too much Katy Perry
I could read this whole thing in both of their voices.
I wish Katy wouldn’t talk, she’s so hot, but she ruins it when she speaks. I wish Craig James would just go away.
/amirite?
//holds hand up for high five
"Ah, that's repulsive, that's repugnant, that's recorrigible, that's retragnicent. These aren't even words. These aren't even wo...what am I saying, I don't even know. I can't go on, I can't go on anymore, make it stop." ~ Puppet Michael Floyd
by stempke on Dec 23, 2010 11:59 AM EST reply actions 1 recs
Breaking news
I hope none of you bet on OSU…. HAHAHAhAHAHAHAHAHA… [catches breath] HAHAHAHAHAHA
Pryor is one of five buckeyes suspended for the bowl game over tattoogate
"Ah, that's repulsive, that's repugnant, that's recorrigible, that's retragnicent. These aren't even words. These aren't even wo...what am I saying, I don't even know. I can't go on, I can't go on anymore, make it stop." ~ Puppet Michael Floyd
Although suspended, he'll be playing in the Sugar Bowl.
As will the other players. Players are suspended for first 5 games of the 2011 season.
by The Mexican't on Dec 23, 2010 12:02 PM EST up reply actions
Yeah they just corrected themselves on sportscenter
it’s now the first 5 games and they have to pay back the value of the tattoos
ridiculous
"Ah, that's repulsive, that's repugnant, that's recorrigible, that's retragnicent. These aren't even words. These aren't even wo...what am I saying, I don't even know. I can't go on, I can't go on anymore, make it stop." ~ Puppet Michael Floyd
More names released from the suspended list
Pryor, Herron, Posey and Adams. No word on who the fifth is.
Moral of the story. OSU’s offense will suck even harder next year
"Ah, that's repulsive, that's repugnant, that's recorrigible, that's retragnicent. These aren't even words. These aren't even wo...what am I saying, I don't even know. I can't go on, I can't go on anymore, make it stop." ~ Puppet Michael Floyd
“Although suspended, he’ll be playing bludgeoned by an SEC defense in the Sugar Bowl. "
Fixed it
It's a sure sign of impending societal collapse when we have so many grown men sitting around and arguing on the Interwebz about other people they don't know playing games that don't matter. But it can occasionally be fun.
by Dick H on Dec 23, 2010 4:48 PM EST up reply actions 1 recs
Woke up with a hangover, turn on sportscenter, and that's the first thing I hear.
Fuck the NCAA with a rake. Punishing OSU for AJ Green-esque violations because you’re mad you couldn’t punish Auburn is pitiful.
VIEW HALLOO!
Tyrelle should have just claimed
the tattoo was applied without his knowledge or consent.
"They've just discovered a new use for sheep over there at Clemson... wool." - Lewis Grizzard
by GwinnettGamecock on Dec 23, 2010 1:21 PM EST up reply actions 2 recs
Holly, do you ship to the California State Prison system?
I think this would greatly cheer Thomas Kinkade, Drunk Driver of Light.
MORE LIKE PAINTER OF SUCK AMIRITE
________________________________
I will give my shirt for Tennessee today.
by Holly Anderson on Dec 23, 2010 12:04 PM EST up reply actions 1 recs
Oh yeah, you are right. Yes, you are
My wife had this unexplainable five year fixation with Thomas Kinkade calendars. Thank jeebus, she’s moved past that to outdoor photography-themed ones. This year’s was National Parks.
"My goal is to win a national championship at West Virginia University, and I firmly believe that coach Stewart has built a solid foundation, which will allow us to compete with the very best in the country." Dana Holgorsen
by MtnEer_in_SC on Dec 23, 2010 1:03 PM EST up reply actions
At times, the conversation between Katy and Craig sounds like an exchange between Vic Romano and Kenny Blankenship. Where are Capt. Tennille and Guy LeDouche in this?
by Tracer Bullet on Dec 23, 2010 12:06 PM EST reply actions 7 recs
Easy Rec
"I'm colonel cool! And I'm the captain on this rocket to the stars!"
by psuphiman80 on Dec 23, 2010 12:29 PM EST up reply actions
Well, obviously Captain Tennille is with a lady friend.
Guy is probably surreptitiously filming them through the peephole, a la the Erin Andrews video.
As far as I'm concerned, you can drop off the Earth. That's a promise.
by fortlauderheel on Dec 24, 2010 12:49 AM EST up reply actions
Jesse Palmer fist-bump of approval
by Dr. Norris Camacho on Dec 23, 2010 12:12 PM EST reply actions 2 recs
Has there ever been a better candidate
for a surgical strike with a smart bomb (or just a damn good sniper) than this picture?
"Another day in which to excel" ~ Erk Russell.
by AUTigerGSUEagle on Dec 24, 2010 4:39 AM EST up reply actions
So I'm assuming these suspensions don't take effect immediately because . . .
Bill Hancock said so? Or is it because free ink is merely “you can’t play against Akron and Toledo” level, rather than “we can’t deprive you of the chance to stare into the beedy nothingness of Bobby Petrino’s eyes, young man” level? Somebody educate me.
DOLLAZ and RATINGZ
Because who wants to see Joe Bauserman start for OSU in the Sugar Bowl? Certainly not the NCAA.
I feel your pain on the AJ Green suspension, Georgia fan.
VIEW HALLOO!
BTW, OSU's schedule for the first 5 games
Akron, Toledo, at Miami (FL), Colorado, Michigan State.
So not horrible (only one away game at a down Miami program), but certainly a couple of loseable games in there without three main offensive studs.
VIEW HALLOO!
Yeah I noticed that. It's definitely got some teeth to it . . .
even though two of those teams will be rebuilding under new coaches and the Spartans will be replacing some significant players. But they’ll all be back for the inaugural conference tilt with Nebraska, strangely enough.
I would.
"They've just discovered a new use for sheep over there at Clemson... wool." - Lewis Grizzard
by GwinnettGamecock on Dec 23, 2010 1:22 PM EST up reply actions
Irony
I for one appreciate that Sportscenter just went to Craig James for insight into the OSU tattoo stuff.
You had me at "boob-cannons"
and then the story just wouldn’t let me go.
And on the Katy Perry note, where is today’s modern Namath/Stabler? Where is he? The one putting points on the board consistently on and off the field? I sure as hell can’t find him anywhere.
And don’t anyone dare tell me it’s Tony Romo – who is finally being proven as THE most overrated NFL QB of all time. The “Boys” are winning with Kitna folks.
There actually used to be a hobo complex
of cardboard “houses” underneath one of the interstate bridges in downtown Dallas. I like to imagine Craig James going down there around this time of year, and they all think he’s doing some kind of charity work, and then he starts raining down rights on whoever gets near him, and before anyone can get the cops involved he’s getting into Sherwood Blount’s limo and high-tailing it out of there.
Voodoo Five - South Florida Bulls SBN Blog
The Toughest Blog in America
Concatenation
Katy Perry and Craig James.
Inspired combination.
Hell, you could just use surveillance cams, lock the two of them in a condo for the weekend and play whatever film you got without editting.
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