THE CURIOUS INDEX, 12/15/2010

PUT THE PHONE DOWN. PUT THE PHONE DOWN. PUT THE PHONE DOWN.

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[NAMEREDACTED]forchrissakes.

 

COORDINATORS HUH HUH HUH? Nothing yet. As we noted on the Twitters this morning, be prepared for a new offensive coordinator each hour until someone is actually hired. Ditto for the floating offer to Kirby Smart at Alabama for the defensive coordinator. If you can slow down the video of Muschamp's presser, you can hear the distinct phrase "there is no timetable" for hiring a staff, so we could be waiting for a while. SPECULATION IN THE MEANTIME WILL PROCEED APACE.

BRANTLEY UPDATE: Even after the Muschamp press conference, John Brantley has no idea what he'll be doing next year and that includes the possibility of a transfer. He's waiting like the rest of us, but doing it with a few broken ribs and the thousand yard stare that only comes from being crushed to powder on the field of play. The departure from the spread could help any pitch to make Brantley stay, and will also give Gary Danielson one lonely data point from which he will deduce the death of the spread. Again. For like the fifth year in a row. Usually during a game where it's working really well.

AL'S GOLDEN NOTEBOOK. Al Golden had a 300 page book called "Deserve Victory" written and prepared for his interview with Miami AD Kirby Hocutt, complete with the "U" logo on the front and multiple "U" labeled tabs. Someone at Kinko's hates Al Golden. Hocutt was impressed with the football content, but insisted the lengthy passages describing the protagonist of the story, one "Hal Bolden," masturbating at length to applause from fellow spa-goers were "unnecessary, especially the 73 page one where Bolden enters the women spa and is coerced into a marathon session by a women's water polo team."

HEY LET'S MAKE THAT THING ILLEGAL YOU KNOW THE EMBARRASSING ONE SURE. The NCAA's president Mark Emmert is still trying to explain the Cam Newton ruling. He describes it as "complex," the same word we use when trying to explain our most rank bullshit arguments, too. "Officer, the bale of cocaine in the trunk is strictly for traction on these icy roads. I have a deviated septum! You know cocaine can't be good for that!"

SPEAKING OF: It takes a kind of madness to sketch Cam Newton with this kind of love, and we say that as someone who will own this by Christmas. (Punch, beaten: drawing costs $200K but for you special deal $180K we say it so you don't have to.)

THE LONG AND SHORT OF THE IOWA PRESS CONFERENCE YESTERDAY. Two Iowa players only are being affected by the drug testing at Iowa, but other athletes likely found their way around the tests, most likely using our favorite method: enter stall, pretend penis is bucking bronco/divining rod, and begin wheeling around the room yelling "WHOA!" while urinating wildly all over the room. Once Iowa says you can't do that, they should be fine.

 

THAT IS A MUCH BETTER IDEA. Focus groups don't know shit if they saw this and rejected it in favor of the Big Ten SlothFlakes Cereal Logo. (Via Reddit.)

ISN'T IT LIKE A PREHISTORIC KANSAS? Ohio State players know nothing about Arkansas, thus making them honorary Arkansans. in short, Ohio State fans and players,  here is what you need know about Arkansas:

  • Currency: knucklebones from animals larger than a hog but smaller than a cow
  • Famous Arkansans: Bill Clinton, his penis, Yukio Mishima, a salamander named Dave, and Jean Smart's hair from the third season of Designing Women. (Oh, you take skinny Delta Burke; we'll take the strapping cowgirl every time, you most spankable Designing Woman, you.)
  • Ryan Mallett is their quarterback. He's like Terrelle Pryor, but happy to be alive and stuff.
  • The state bird is a clay pigeon with your face on it.  
  • Bear Bryant once wrestled a bear in Arkansas. Bear Bryant went on to become the greatest football coach of all time. The bear became Governor and held his office despite a long series of rape, fraud, and rapefraud allegations.
  • Houston Nutt still maintains a home address in Arkansas at a booth in a Hardee's in Little Rock, the second biggest city in the state. Its population is exceeded only by its capital, Memphis. 
  • The most famous song ever written about Arkansas is "Five Feet High and Rising" by Johnny Cash, a song about uncontrollable flooding and the havoc it wreaks. Cash watched his brother cut himself in half with a radial saw and die in Arkansas. This marked the funniest thing to ever happen in the state of Arkansas.

That should cover you for now. Feel free to use those as talking points with media, as they are all vetted facts put out by the Arkansas State Tourism Board.

WILL THE LADY WITH THE BLACK HAIR AND RED LIPSTICK BE THERE TO TELL US DISCOUNT! Signing on to be a bowl sponsor at the last minute? DISCOUNT. We would sleep with the Progressive lady, but we'd really just be angling for a cut on insurance rates, and a hefty one at that. If she comes back with like a 2% discount, you know you failed your test in Bedroom Arena, since respect starts at 15% and love at 30%.

HEY IT'S GREAT PUBLICITY. June Jones thinks Pony Excess is great exposure for the program. June Jones also almost died from a massive head injury a few years ago. #justasayin'

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