HOWARD SCHNELLENBERGER'S TOP 25

 Howard Schellenberger submits his ballot with us each week, or at least he's supposed to, and usually does it every three weeks or so. Here is his latest installment.

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1. Suspenders. Second week in a row in the top spot, but we'll see. Suspect their success might be attributable to their assistant, BELT.

2.  Pitt. Johnny Majors could really do something at that school if he'd just learn to hold his liquor.

3. Terrariums. I keep three turtles in mine. Their names are Utility, Shadrach, and Mr. Eggers. In named them after my testicles.

4. Yeehaw Junction, Florida. If there's a place that cooks a tastier muskrat, I haven't been there. 

5. A sturdy wetsuit. Easy waterproof pajamas you can simply wash out in the morning. If you live by the water like I do, you're also ready to start swimming in event of a hurricane.  Also: slimming and flattering to the larger gentleman's figure. 

6. The Anti-Parachute Movement. Always been a scam and always will. If you're falling out of a plane, just look at the ground and don't blink. Believe me: it'll flinch first. It always does.

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7. The Boxer Rebellion. I can imagine a bunch of dogs in China would have a reason to get all ornery. How they held guns is a mystery I'd like to have explained to me, though. 

8. Rowan's A1A Reef 'n Beef, Boca Raton Florida. Good people with great surf 'n turf. But if you don't want me shooting, don't put a realistic-looking fiberglass cow in the parking lot.

9. A bolt drawer. It's useful to have a drawer where you can put old bolts, since bolts are simultaneously shotgun ammunition, fiber supplement, and currency in some parts of Martin County. Swallow a handful and try to get on a plane if you've got some spare time and a good sense of humor.

10. Operation. The Board Game. I take mine to local retirement homes. It's not my fault you can't tweeze out the bread basket, old man. That twenty dollars in your pocket still belongs to the check your mouth just wrote.

11. VHS Tapes. Never turned my back on 'em. Saved some of the finest satellite dish broadcasts of the 1980s on them. Oh, Nanette and the Insistent Hun. Time never fades your glories.

12. The Wedding Planner. Don't much care for modern horror movies, but there's something about that Lopez woman that terrifies me.

13. Ham Radio. Misleading name, since eating one tastes nothing like bacon.

14. Bat houses. Keep one in your backyard, the public health department won't leave you alone. Set one on fire, and PETA gets all lathered up. Sometimes in life you just have to punt.   

15. Pawn Shops. Found my artificial hip in one. It's designed to be a shoulder joint, sure, but not many 76 year old men can do this.

[Howard Schnellenberger rotates his leg up to his ear and behind his head in a 360 degree arc.]

16. Turfman's Naval Jelly Spread, Moisturizer, and Nutrition Spread. There are more intimate purposes for this.

17. Castanets. Ate a damn plate full in furlough from The Indefatigable in Tiajuana in '58. "Mexican Oysters" my ass.

18. The Sun. Stare straight at it and yell to get its attention if it's too bright. It'll knock the lights down a bit if you do it long enough. He's reasonable.

 

19. Storage Rental spaces. Rent one for a few months. Under contents, put "me." I've lived through recessions before.

20. Dubai. That's a place that respects your right to punch a camel. 

21. Picking Up People's ATM Receipts. If someone forgets theirs, I like to pick it up and say "Oh, you forgot this." Then, after looking at their balance I make a "PFFT" noise with my mouth, and nod knowingly.

22. Taken. A more heartwarming comedy has never been made.

23. The Ozone. It's the warm mist of High Karate keeping us safe from the stink of the universe.

24. Cam Newton. Sad to see he skipped college, but if he wants to accept a real salary he can come see me about a job anytime here playing football at Florida A&M*

*The FAU Athletic Department has requested we remove this. Pending a court order, it remains per Schnelly's original wording.

25. Toaster strudels. Who needs those jimmy-up pills when foreplay o'the clock is just a trip to the freezer away? Nothing wrong with my apparatus that a little warm strawberry filling can't coax away.

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Pity the Nebraska player died, but trust me: it was quick, and he didn't feel a thing.


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