YOU TRIED! We think this is probably the second time in the two-year series of this feature that we're not bestowing this award sarcastically, but seriously, God bless Kyle Brotzman. We have marveled this year at how fast Boise State fans have gotten up to speed, keeping pace with fanbases like Alabama and Auburn's in terms of sheer entitlement and preening, but you know you'd never see something like this work in the SEC.
SUPERSTAR! Brodrick Brown. DAYUM.
JAUNTY POSSUMDRAGON! Bedlam, more than living up to its name in the kind of late-night giant-bats tilt commonly reserved for evening kickoffs in the Big 12 South, but sadly rare since the demise of TTech's Air Raid.
BUSY BEE! Hawaii's Alex Green, who's over the 1,000-yard mark for the Warriors ... and averaging 9.8 carries a game.
HAND UP! Missy State's Chad Bumphis hauled in precisely one pass in Saturday night's Egg Bowl, enabling the most beautiful phrase in college football to be spoken over the PA: "Pass complete from Relf to Bumphis." Suck it, cellar door.
TAKE TURNS! Kyle Parker, benched in his final regular-season game and now maybe ineligible for their bowl and then he'll just leave for baseball and OH LOOK AT THAT WILLY KORN WON A NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP.
I BUMPED MY HEAD! Oh, Texas. Good grief. Florida. What the hell. We can't even muster a good joke because seeing you like this is so upsetting to our natural order of the universe we have fixed in our heads HEY STOP EATING PASTE STOP THAT.
IMPROVING! HEY THERE AKRON WON A GAME AGAINST 2-9 BUFFALO AND MADE THEM 2-10 WHICH IS STILL A BETTER RECORD THAN AKRON'S. WHADDAYAKNOW.
CREATIVE! Speaking of upsetting the order of the universe, man, I can hardly wait for Alabama's postseason art installation in Florida. Seeing the Crimson Tide in what, the Cap One Bowl? That is some avant-garde shit. EDGY!
ADEQUATE! Nevada, you just knocked off the No. 4 team in the country in a nationally-televised thriller, and for your troubles will skyrocket from No. 19 in the BCS to No. 17. Maybe if YOUR school had a sweet SB Nation blog, this would've worked out better for you.
GRAPE JOB! HEY GOVAWLS EVERYBODY THE SEASON WENT DOWN PRETTY MUCH EXACTLY HOW WE SAID IT WOULD WITH THE WINLESS OCTOBER AND THE WINFUL NOVEMBER AND NOW WE ARE BOWL-ELIGIBLE WITH A TEAM THAT'S BASICALLY COMPOSED OF FRESHMEN AND FIVE GRIZZLED SENIORS AND A BUNCH OF GUYS WITH ONE WORKING LIMB SO THAT'S PRETTY COOL oh my, being excited for the Music City Bowl is pretty much the worst feeling on the planet.
TEACHER'S PET! TCU, securing a stranglehold on the No. 3 BCS slot by virtue of pointing and hollering at somebody else's screwup. We see you, Horned Frogs. Keep that elbow frosty, Ginger Avenger.