THE CURIOUS INDEX, 11/3/2010

DEAR LEADER, WHO THROUGH 690 JOX IN BIRMINGHAM WE PRAISE. 

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Nick Saban's love triangle is always going to be a storyline, albeit one that fades with each year and every interview where Saban begins using the royal "we" to discuss his relationship with Louisiana in general, and then everyone mentions how Miles said "goddamned Alabama" to discuss the rivalry in 2007, or how much more obviously outwardly competent Saban is compared to Miles and how we all know that despite this LSU could win this game because when you chill by the pool with this kind of ferocity, you possess a sangfroid no amount of Glorious Alabama Leader's strategery can heat to boiling. 

(Watch the source footage to see just how diabolical the mind of LSUFreek truly is.)

HE SHOULD BE FINED, SUSPENDED, THEN SHOT, BUT NOT FATALLY, AND THEN DROPPED INTO A VAT OF ACID BUT ONLY TO THE KNEES, THEN PLACED ON AN EXERCISE BIKE AND FORCED TO PEDAL FOR THIRTY MINUTES BECAUSE THAT IS REALLY, REALLY BORING (PLUS HE'D HAVE ACID LEGS), THEN DRAWN AND QUARTERED AND DISPLAYED ON THE FOUR CORNERS OF THE REPUBLIC OF ATHENS AS A LESSON TO THOSE WHO WOULD DARE EXPRESS PASSION ABOUT THE GAME OF FOOTBALL, ALBEIT IN A MILDLY FORCEFUL AND PERHAPS TAUNTING MANNER. Get the feeling that Tony Barnhart is one of those people who turned out for elaborate state tortures in a past life as a French sans-culotte?

THIS IS THIRD FOR A REASON. The Big East is expanding football-wise, and according to Joe Schad tthis means they'll take TCU and Villanova in football, which just forced the cosmic lever of Schadian Anti-Intuition forward, meaning this will not happen and the Big East will end up in a grudging, baffling, and tear-filled threesome with Montana State and FIU by the time this is all over. We still maintain that the Big East and ACC should be allowed to sell their bowl spots on the open market to teams that want to play in them, but if you don't want to save the economy then fine, don't listen to our brilliant ideas. 

(Everyone would be allowed to sell them if they wanted to, of course, but only the Big Ten's schools would do so to stack up said money, and then lavishly splash out on horrific coaching talent like Tim Brewster with 1% while hoarding the rest like leprechauns. OH YES WE DID JUST GO THE BACKDOOR NOTRE DAME ASSOCIATION THERE.)

SPEAKING OF TIM BREWSTER'S OLD COMPETIN' CHAIR. Phil Fulmer is not going to Minnesota unless you hire a Johnny Majors, provide him with a self-contained whiskey breathing system, and then hire Fulmer as the assistant who maneuvers him out of his job. Remember that Phil Fulmer hasn't interviewed for a job in like 30 years, and would probably show up with a business card with a Telex number on it.  His best move isn't the interview anyway, but rather when he shows up, sits in someone else's chair, refuses to move, and then waits for you all to get tired of trying to move him.

A TENUOUS CASE INDEED. Offensive continuity and potential is the greatest reason for keeping Rich Rodriguez, though the most damning thing of all one could say to Michigan fans about Rodriguez is that hiring Jim Harbaugh would produce no great consternation amidst the better part of the fanbase. If your replacement shock = "meh," that's a damning indictment of your overall value to a program.

NORTH KOREA IS ALWAYS A USEFUL THEME. If Florida's offense looked different--as in, "alive" and "sort of capable of scoring points"--then reading the tea leaves out of the airtight Florida program via our official state organ of communication* means someone new has some sway over gameplanning:

Meyer said passing-game coordinator/receivers coach Zach Azzanni was instrumental in helping install the up-tempo offense the past three weeks. Azzanni was part of a similar attack as an assistant at Central Michigan the past three seasons.

The LeFevour Ray offense, it is. Whatever that was, yes plz kthx moar and Addazio don't you dare touch the thermostat or the offense. It's just fine at 72 degrees in here.

IS IT REALLY ABUSE IF IT'S VANDY, SINCE ABUSING THEM IS AN SEC TRADITION? Sideline drama at Arkansas, which we're sure has already resulted in Arkansas fans bugging the Vandy ball boy's dorm room, FOIA'ing every public record imaginable with his name on it, and savage, poorly-spelled emails sent to all the principals involved.

PEOPLE WHO HATE THEMSELVES, YO: You don't really hate yourself. This man does. (HT: Blutarsky)

*Not the middle finger. In this case, at least.

DAWG. HE PUT THE TEAM ON HIS BACK. The internet again becomes the blueprint for a better, more spectacular reality.

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