THE CURIOUS INDEX, 11/24/2010

HAPPY THANKSGIVING, SENATOR. LOVE, CHARLES BRONSON. Happy Thanksgiving wishes from Charles Bronson, who says if you have an issue with anything this holiday, you should take it to your Senator personally.

For Thanksgiving, cook your turkey the Bronson way. First, demand it kill itself out of fear of what might happen in the slaughter. Second, pump rounds from a snubnose into it until it's cooked. Three, eat it with both hands and then demand a blonde number lick the grease off your face. Four, tell that broad to buzz off, and then smoke a pipe and stare wistfully out the window thinking about dead people.

THANK FOR NOTICING. As an underdog for the first time in Meyer's tenure going into the FSU game, one has to note that in response the collective Gator media corps has just now gone into a shell of writing articles about how horrible the offense is and waiting for the hammer to fall on Saturday. Frankly, this seems a bit unrealistic given the presence of Christian Ponder in this game, who at any time can implode like an elderly Fiat and hand the game to the other team. Also, Florida State's head coach is still Jimbo Fisher, who is still named "Jimbo" and is over forty years old. Florida State sent both ourselves and our wife an automatic acceptance letter in high school, which we did not use. The Val-Pak coupons it came with, though, were quite handy. (Cheezer Pleezer from Hungry Howie's? Oh, Paradise, you have so many names, and this is not one of them, because Hungry Howie's is made from ground up Animal Control victims and cinder block dust.) 

SO BOBBY UH TERRY UH CHARLIE UH WHATEVER YOUR NAME IS. In some related news: the Pounceys did not attend FSU because they did not want to go to school in Alabama, and also because Bobby Bowden could not remember their names. Because we're masochists, we're reading his autobiography right now, and have this to say thus far: if you know someone so religious it kind of creeps you out, this is the perfect book for them. (That's actually a kind of ringing endorsement, since you can't just give the default bottle of liquor/sex toy combo we're so fond of at the holidays.)

YOU HAVE LEFT EVEN CHRIS SPIELMAN SPEECHLESS. Chris Spielman says only Mike Martin could walk in and start on the Ohio State defense, and that the rest is just a baffling mess on the defense at Michigan. He also goes to great lengths to say that Michigan is in any game they play because of their offense, which is true since he also lauds Denard Robinson as "the fastest college football player I've ever seen." There's not anger quite like that of a rival who is appalled at the disintegration of their most revered and feared foe.

IF LES MILES GOES TO COLORADO THEN WE'LL BOLDLY PREDICT HIS REPLACEMENT WILL BE OUR LEFT BUTTOCK. There's no way in hell this is happening, something the article even admits, but if you're going to take a shot, why not aim for the stars, especially the big white one named Les Miles that is perpetually on the edge of a spectacular, solar-system destroying supernova?

THE OBLIGATORY CAM NEWTON LINK. He is still eligible and no one else has a good FBI link for the week, so naturally the focus will go toward Cecil Newton's churches, particularly the Holy Zion Center of Deliverance Whateverness that is currently boarded up and sitting derelict in the middle of Newnan. This is Captain Obvious Time, but Captain Obvious would like to state for the record that reconciling consumption and income in any investigation of anything re: the NCAA or worse still the FBI will be a question, and there are people who are very, very good at doing this.

DON'T BELIEVE HIS KIND WORDS, DABO. Spurrier's only doing it just to let you down with kindness, much as a farmer pats a hog before slitting its throat. Then again, some civility is necessary in the SC/Clemson game, since it goes from zero to head-kicking pretty quickly.

WE TOLD YOU HE'D MAKE A GREAT SILENT FILM ACTOR. Mike Stoops really is statistically more theatrical than most college football coaches.

OH SWEET BEDLAM. Cowboys Ride for Free covers the Bedlam Game with Crimson and Cream Machine, and neither one emerges with a knife wound (unlike both defenses, who really could go for allowing a thousand yards combined in the game, especially with Willy Martinez manning the secondary coaching spot at OU.)

MIKE SHERMAN ACTUALLY ADDS DEFINITE ARTICLES TO THINGS HE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND LIKE AN OLD PERSON. The Youtubes: he has seen them.

OHIO SEEMS ACCURATE ENOUGH. Not all of the groupings make sense, but timekillers are what you need today to run out the clock until you get your cook on, and this map of fan clusters certainly does that.

TURKEYS EVERYWHERE CLENCH THEIR GENITALS. Robbie Caldwell, if he's done at Vandy, well he's had just a fine and dandy time anyway.

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