PUTTING THE "SHIM" iN HEISMAN
Fairy ZAP! You've been sexed by Camette Newton, the zone read fairy. The Auburn Halloween Party featured a cornucopia of visual horrors--HELLO LIEUTENANT DANGLING CHOP BLOCK--but this redeems them all. The come-hither glance; the swooping cleavage; the naughty gloves; the dainty lace. It's a triumph of SEC cross-dressing unseen since the heyday of Darren McFadden, and will surely pass under the discerning but forgiving eyes of Alabama fans without comment.
(Please Auburn fans: create a massive display like this with the Fairy Sodfather flying down the field and blowing up a midget Saban. Do it, and live in the annals of epic fandom forever.)
OH LET'S GET UPSET ABOUT BCS STANDINGS YAY. The BCS standings have Auburn and Oregon as number one and number two, upsetting only football hipsters terrified about the fall of Boise in the rankings. Ask yourself this: does Boise stay "alt" if it goes in the lamestream, Boise fans? Did you already "sell out" by appearing in two BCS bowls? By whoring yourself out to any team that will play you, are you in fact riding the football slutwave? Do you want to "bang hot chicks" by appearing in a title game, and ensuring your peen gets ridden by lamestream writers other than Pat Forde and Stewart Mandel? Was Grantland Rice the first football alt?
Hinton reminds you that amidst this football hipsterism, the dark possibilities all remain, including--hahahahaha--Les Miles, BCS Title participant. You do not want Oregon to lose. If they do, then that's how you end up watching your horse get eaten by BCS zombies on Marietta Street while you cuddle in a tank with your new best friend, a zombie you have just debrained with his sidearm. (Walking Dead was especially funny to us because of the large number of buildings in ATL requiring no CGI or alteration to look already pre-zombie apocalypsed.)
YOU HAVE REDUCED LANE KIFFIN TO BEING IMPRESSED WITH A 21 POINT LOSS. The one underreported facet of the Oregon Duck offense is their superb conditioning, which is probably closer to Rugby Sevens players than your standard football player.* Lane Kiffin is left in awe. This is not difficult, since pneumatic tube delivery systems at banks and the concept of object permanence do the same thing, but it's still noteworthy.
Even after giving up 24 unanswered points to finish the game, Kiffin actually complimented his team’s stamina. "I think our two weeks of conditioning paid off," he said. "It sounds weird because we got blown out."
Ever-searching for moral victories: stay golden, Lane Kiffin.
*Closer, but still not close. Professional football players would prolapse lungs trying to keep up with Sevens players.
A DISPLAY OF DOMINANCE UNSEEN SINCE THE LAST TIME WE PLAYED GEORGIA. With our overwhelming and effortless win over Georgia in Jacksonville, all is put right with the world again, and there's no problems and everything is marvelous. All Florida had to do was;
- Use Trey Burton, John Brantley, and Jordan Reed to make up something like one whole quarterback
- Reinstating Chris Rainey. (There should be an emoticon for "LOL SORRY R TEAM REINSTATED A DOOD WHO LIKEZ 2 HARSH CHICKS VIA TXT," but this scientific advance has somehow escaped the attentions of science.)
- Run the hurry-up, which in our hands resembles more of a low-grade seizure than shock to the opponent's system.
- Have Georgia's receivers tip not one, but two passes for freaky interceptions to a giddy Will Hill.
- Georgia's assistants literally choking themselves until they passed out on the field.
- Rely on the lottery shot of Chas Henry hitting a field goal and AJ Green missing a block by a margin so small he could feel it rush through his fingers.