FanPost

Motivational Psychology With Brian Kelly

[Alumni Stadium, Chestnut Hill, Massachusetts, 11:03 P.M. Notre Dame has a comfortable lead over Boston College late in the game, but Irish quarterback Dayne Crist has just thrown an ugly interception. He jogs off the field toward COACH KELLY.]

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KELLY: YOU GOTTA BE SHITTING ME! GOD DAMMIT, CRIST, HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU THAT THE LIBRARY BUILDING IS NOT A CHECKDOWN!? 

CRIST: Sorry, Coach, I didn't see Rudolph in the corner-

KELLY: SORRY DOESN'T CUT IT! IF YOU DON'T START MAKING BETTER DECISIONS, I'M GOING TO GAMBLE MY JOB ON SOME KID NAMED TOMMY REES! HE'S ON THE DEPTH CHART BUT I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHICH ONE HE IS!

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[Campus of the University of Notre Dame, South Bend, Indiana, 10:14 A.M., Monday. A Finance 301 class meets in DeBartolo Hall. The PROFESSOR teaches with the aid of a PowerPoint presentation.]

PROFESSOR: So today we'll be moving on to the Capital Assets Pricing Model. We use this to determine the required rate of return on-

[The classroom door flies open with a bang.]

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KELLY: OH JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, CAPM!? THIS BULLSHIT HORSEPISS MODEL HAS NO RELATION TO REALITY WHATSOEVER AND YOU FUCKING KNOW IT! WHY DO YOU TEACH THIS COCKWAFFLE OF A THEORY!? GOD DAMMIT I ALREADY TOLD YOU THAT NOT ALL INVESTORS HAVE ACCESS TO THE SAME INFORMATION HOW THE FUCK DO YOU THINK FINANCE WORKS IN THE REAL WORLD DUMBASS!?

[KELLY rips down the projector screen and storms out of the room. The PROFESSOR starts weeping softly.]

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[Subway in the Student Union, 12:11 P.M. The SANDWICH LADY works though a long line of customers.]
SANDWICH LADY: Yees sir welcome Subway can I help ju?
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KELLY: HOLY SHITBALLS AND FUCK A DUCK, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU PEOPLE DOING BACK THERE!? IT'S NOT HARD, GOD DAMMIT, JUST STICK TO THE PROCESS! YOU PUT THE MEAT ON THE BREAD, AND THEN YOU TOAST IT, THEN YOU DO THE TOPPINGS, THEN YOU RING THE CUSTOMER UP! IT'S FOUR FUCKING STEPS AND YOU'RE ALL TRIPPING OVER YOUR OWN DICKS TRYING TO GET THE CHIPOTLE SAUCE WHICH IS JUST SPICY FUCKING RANCH DRESSING!

[KELLY turns to the student standing next to him in line.]

KELLY: AND YOU! WHO THE FUCK GETS THE TUNA SALAD!? IT'S FUCKING CAT FOOD, DON'T YOU KNOW THAT!?

[He knocks the sandwich out of the student's hand and storms off.]

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[An off-campus student house, 12:03 A.M. A party has been busted by the South Bend Police, who are now loading students into the paddywagon to take them downtown. A shadowed figure comes down the street.] Medium_kelly_medium

KELLY: HEY! HEY! WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU THINKING!? YOU'VE GOT TWICE THE NATIONAL VIOLENT FUCKING CRIME RATE IN THIS CITY AND YOU CALLED ALL UNITS TO THIS SAUSAGEFEST!? I KNOW THIS PLACE IS A FROZEN PISSHOLE BUT DO YOU REALLY GET YOUR SICK JOLLIES CRACKING DOWN ON SCUMPISS BEER!?

[He turns to a handcuffed student.]

KELLY: YOU! WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT YOUR BEER PONG SHOTS, YOU TAINTTOWEL!? ARC! MORE ARC! YOU'RE FUCKING SHORTER THAN ME AND YOU'RE TRYING TO THROW LINE DRIVES! HOLY BITCHSHIT I BET THE DRUNK CHICK OVER THERE WOULD SKUNK YOU!

Ancient Chinese Secret's grade school soccer coach made him run laps with ankle weights for being a smartass. He supports Brian Kelly yelling at the players, and, having been one recently, agrees that most 19-22-year-old males probably deserve to be screamed at anyway.

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