THE CURIOUS INDEX, 10/29/2010

I'M KENTRELL LOCKETT, AND I WANT YOU TO DISPLAY YOUR O-FACE. 

Lockett implores you to make the most annoying sound in the world, Ole Miss fans, which by definition is this, and if you can take making that sound for the better part of an hour's worth of gametime, then it really would turn Vaught-Hemingway into the toughest stadium in the world. Fortunately Ole Miss fans are more concerned with hammering down handles of brown evil in the Grove, and less concerned with actual football. (Also, no one can make that noise for over two minutes. It's simply not possible, just like gaining more than a yard and a half on first down in a Steve Addazio offense or keeping your eyes open while sneezing.) 

IMPENDING DOOM. Georgia fans, in the midst of their customary anxiety, remain optimistic about their chances tomorrow in the Cocktail Party, which they should be because we suck. Funtime! The Gainesville Sun has gotten so little information out of the Florida football program and has so little hope for tomorrow's game that they have restored to reminding the world that as bad as this year's offense is, it has nothing on the 1979 offense, the Charlie Pell attack that went 0-10-1. It's not as bad as the year when we didn't win anything and didn't care because our football program was historically horrible AAAHHHH LIFE I AM READY TO STAB ALL OF YOU IN THE TENDER PARTS THAT DO NOT HEAL---

NOT EVEN THE MISERY OF OTHERS WILL HEAL THIS. Watching Christian Ponder fumble on the NC State 3 yard line last night wasn't even fun hahahahaha that is a lie it was delicious. We also feel very bad for Ponder, and yet filled with joy simultaneously at his team's misery. It's the sweet-and-sour dish of fan emotions, and as confusing as it is to the soul's tastebuds, it's still delicious and rich and complex and wonderful. We repeat our proposition that Christian Ponder is Chris Rix under an assumed name, and that this whole college football thing isn't going any better the second time than it did the first. 

CHRIS RUCKER: BUT WAS HE WEARING A TIE. Mark Dantonio has fully reinstated cornerback Chris Rucker, fresh from a jail term served for DWI, for this Saturday's game against Iowa. Let's not focus on whether the players wanted him back, or whether Rich Rodriguez would have been poleaxed for doing the same thing while Dantonio's actions vanish in the hair like so many mockingbird farts....let's focus on the important things here. Does Mark Dantonio fit the bland, pale, slightly miserable and very grim look of that which you assume to mean Responsible Midwestern Authority Figure? Did Rucker text a woman suggesting he was going to kill her? If so, why did he not undergo a flimsy approval process before his inevitable reinstatement? When you were taught the meaning of the word zero, did your math teacher suggest zero "had some wiggle room, since there's 'nothing,' and then there's 'sorta nothing'?" Because that would explain how "zero tolerance" became "starting on Saturday." 

And most importantly, regardless of any criminal charges: WILL HE BE WEARING A TIE? If so, then it's cool, man. 

HEY EVERYBODY LOOK. Notre Dame is going to get the living shit sued out of them. 

BEAR? WHAT BEAR. WE DON'T SEE A BEAR. Show these pictures to a friend, and then see if they see the bear. Then deny ever seeing it, and occasionally make random animal noises around them all day while saying "What" Did you hear that? What noise? Nothing."

BUT TONY DUNGY TOLD ME IT COULD FIX MY HOMOSEXUALITY, TOO. Monte Kiffin says the Cover 2 will be ineffective against Oregon's offense on Saturday, forcing USC to adopt a different set of coverages against the speedy Chip Kelly attack. Teaching USC's porous secondary a new way to run around cluelessly should provide him with an exciting new way to silently punish his son for dragging him to Knoxville and LA when he had a perfectly nice comfy chair and television in Tampa, dammit. 

Addicted to Quack also reminds you that Oregon's production on the road hasn't exactly been the fountain of pain and points it has been at Autzen Stadium. 

BE CALM, PEOPLE OF COLUMBUS. Even if the Minnesota game somehow doesn't turn into this in a matter of seconds after kickoff (KITTY JUMP!), you should remember that Tressel will keep remain calm and run Dave.