JACKSONVILLE DID GIVE US SOMETHING ELSE GOOD.
It's impossible to hear a slow Lynyrd Skynyrd song without immediately feeling the strong desire to drink beer out of an aluminum can, preferably while a.) driving, b.) driving with your bare foot out the window, c.) driving with your bare foot out the window and an unbuckled infant scrambling around the floorboards, or d.) while leisurely speeding away from the police and doing all of the aforementioned on a back road in Duval County.
Jacksonville did produce this song, thus leading us to Kyle's series of dramatic reader luck/mojo manipulations and Doug's Manic/Depressive optimism prior to the Cocktail Party. We're going to get our asses kicked and that's the party line and we're sticking to it since our offense is the worst we've ever seen, the defense does terribly against large wide receivers, and because as long as Steve Addazio is in charge of the offense there's no reason for hope. It will be a lovely weekend to drink, however..
/DRINKS ALL THE GIN
And this doesn't help because it is atrocious football analysis. Yes, Florida passes far more on first down than you might think: predictable, shitty pass plays that aim no further than five yards down the field at a time. Throw in Justin Houston crashing your protection schemes and John Brantley should have three good joints and eight unbroken bones in his body after this weekend. The best part about this is that even though we're telling the truth, you'll never believe it's not poor-mouthing until you see the smoldering poop-wreck of our team punting its way to victory on Saturday. (By punting to victory, we mean losing badly to a rival who is simply intolerable when they win.*)
*ARP JORTS CORN DOGS ONE RESPONSE TO EVERY SITUATION ARP REDPANTS HIVEMIND
AT LEAST WE'RE NOT ALONE. Not as long as Texas fans who hate Greg Davis exist, we're not. Tight double bubble screen do-si-do, brah!
THIS IS HORRIBLE. Declan Sullivan, a 20 year old video assistant with the Notre Dame football team and a student at the university, died when the hydraulic scissor lift he was standing on fell over and onto the street behind Notre Dame's practice field. Winds in the area were blowing at speeds of up to 51 miles per hour. Thoughts, prayers, and all other sympathetic gestures to Notre Dame, which as a small community of students and teachers has to be taking this particularly hard.
(PS. There was a fanpost that mentioned this yesterday in a bit-too-glib way, but in all fairness the author--a reader--did not know of Sullivan's death before posting it. We deleted it, but some some leeway should be given all around in a situation like this. Yours truly made a Miami gun joke on the day Brian Pata was shot and killed without knowing Pata was in fact dead, so lesson learned: wait to giggle until you find out if the person survived or not, and then do so gently.)
SPIES, EVERYWHERE SPIES! Randy Edsall thinks there are spies at UConn, but we'll share classified information here to save everyone in the Big East the trouble of sending any further operatives to the school: pssst! They're not good this year!
IF YOU DIDN'T HAVE ENOUGH CAM NEWTON-THEMED JACK-O-LANTERNS IN YOUR LIFE: It's no Death Star pumpkin, but the effects of the Cam Newton Pumpkin Two on your football team's well-being can be just as devastating, relatively speaking. (Cam Newton cannot destroy a planet. We don't think he can, at least.) (?) (Maybe?) (!)
DENNIS ERICKSON GETS A VOTE OF CONFIDENCE. Based on the public endorsement of the coach, this means he is as good as fired.
MARK DANTONIO WITH AN AXE. Seriously, Mark Dantonio should never, ever dress up like this, because the nightmare fuel is strong, abundant, and eerily appropriate with him. He's so high up on our list of "coaches who might be serial killers" along with the following:
- Gary Pinkel
- Randy Shannon
- Danny Hope
- Paul Johnson (wouldn't give a shit if you knew)