DEREK DOOLEY ON THE GERMANS BOMBING PEARL HARBOR
by Spencer Hall on Oct 25, 2010 4:17 PM EDT
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PrintSee, here's the problem. We're like the Germans. We're on the phone with Rommel, and he's not around, we're like hey, what about spreading the cyanide pills around a little here, buddy? Little selfish, dontcha think? There's cyanide enough for everyone here! There's two things Germans and Russians never run out of: poison and anti-Semitism. Just stocked full of both, I tell you.
And the Italians, they're just whistling at women, living with their mothers, and thinking about shoes while letting the Germans do all the fighting, because they'd rather be eating dinner with their shirt off and checking out the odds for the greyhound races that day. Sometimes we do a little bit of that around here, too, but mostly we're like the Germans in World War Two in that we're fighting on all fronts. Bruce Pearl might not like this comparison. Just thought about that, actually.
Oh well.
The Italians of the SEC are Ole Miss, because they don't really care about war and are obsessed with dressing up.
I mean, I don't want to say we're Nazis. I'm comparing us to Germans. You know, there's a lot of different kinds of Germans. Most people don't realize that. They're more than distant icy father figures in popular German cinema and harsh caricatures of relentless discipline. There's fat Germans, lazy Germans. They exist. They're called Austrians.
I dunno. Maybe we've got this all wrong and we're the Chinese in World War Two: just in bad shape to start, and then killed in droves by Japan. Alabama'd be Japan because their leader is short and likes books about octopus rape. Don't print that. Anyway, we gotta be like Mao, just go up to the hills to survive. I don't mean that literally, since there's nothing to eat up there but venison and persimmons, and I don't think that would be overly kind to your digestive system.
You'd probably shit jai-alai balls is what I'm saying. That'd hurt without benefit, and we don't hurt without benefit. Maybe we're the Russians. We just have to be like the last men in Stalingrad holding out in the winter. We'd have to fight. We'd have to stay strong. Might involve a little drinking. Heck, might involve a lot of drinking. Might have to eat a few rats is what I'm saying, as long as eating each rat and piece of boiled shoe leather got you one step closer to victory.
It's a process is what I'm saying. And at the end, just like the Russians, we'd kill three out of every ten of us for no reason. General Neyland did it from what I understand. That is true, isn't it Bud?
[SID Bud Ford shoots himself in the head with a blunderbuss.]
I'm not saying we'd resort to that. But if one of 'em had to be my sweetheart for the winter, you couldn't do much better than Jude Law. He's a heartbreaker. You can tell from the eyes. Bet he's a snuggler too, and willing. All British men are just bisexuals waiting to happen. It's one of the reasons they go to war so well. Never lacking for company.
The British of the SEC are Vanderbilt, by the way, because they're bisexual and were last dominant in the 1930s.
Think I answered that question pretty clearly. Next?
Video's here. It's not a big deal, but it is funny. At least he didn't compare the game to 9/11 and Pearl Harbor like his mentor did, or make the unfortunate comparison Dennis Franchione made when he told his team "to go out there and exterminate the Tutsi Longhorns like the cockroaches they are, Hutu Aggie Nation!" Master of Motivation, that man.
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never realized
How much Derek looked like Bob Crane until this very second.
[no photoshop necessary]
follow us @rubrchickens
Is it just me
or did the actual analogy work pretty well?
However, Quentin Tarantino would like to disagree with you Re: any difference between German soldiers and Nazis.
No the analogy sucked. UT in the SEC is kind of like Romania during WW2
They have 100,000 in the army but only have 3,000 rifles that they have to share.
Alec: Chris, did you really buy a $1400 toilet?
Chris: Yeah, it's great. It's Japanese and has those little warm water jets that clean the undercarriage.
Eric: Chris, it's a toilet, you shit in it.
There's an Appeasement joke in there somewhere.
"Be worthy as you run upon this hallowed sod, for you have dared to tread where champions have trod."
by Silver Britches on Oct 25, 2010 4:33 PM EDT reply actions
People shouldn't judge Dooley too harshly for this
Most American’s knowledge of WWII comes from movies starring George C. Scott or Tom Hanks and to a lesser extent Telly Savalas…
and Dooley's paraphrasing
from the movie “The Longest Day”. It was a classic scene actually, where the German command is paralysed because the only guy who can make a decision can’t be reached.
Lecti Exurendo Sunt!
(Couches Must Burn!)
by MtnEer_in_SC on Oct 25, 2010 4:36 PM EDT up reply actions
that
is sadly true
You can't get there, from here.
by CoastalCowbell on Oct 25, 2010 4:36 PM EDT up reply actions
Sure, but let's be honest: George C. Scott and Savalas did a pretty good job.
A wolverine is really just an oversized groundhog. Also, the next man to call a stretch play gets sent to Botany Bay. Beat Michigan.
by ReadingRambler on Oct 25, 2010 6:58 PM EDT up reply actions 1 recs
He's very wrong
The most appropriate WWII nation for Tennessee?
by SEC Supremacist on Oct 25, 2010 4:38 PM EDT reply actions
or, possibly The Belgies
fight just long enough so that everyone doesnt forget that you tried.
You can't get there, from here.
by CoastalCowbell on Oct 25, 2010 4:40 PM EDT up reply actions
Yeah, and 1939 Belgium is the Kiffin era
Too stupid/cowardly/dickish to let the French and Brits bolster their defenses, helping set up the weak spot in the Ardennes because the Brits and French had to extend their front to the Atlantic along the Belgian border. Dooley is 1940 Belgium, screwed no matter what they did at that point.
I'd pick Florida as France
Won it all a few times in the past, had a good run the previous season, and had massive preseason hype and legendary defense. Despite the talented offense, poor leadership prevented it from doing anything but being sealed-off running a speed option through Holland.
Japan would probably be South Carolina. Given adequate time to prepare, they can shock the world with an early win but simply lacked the depth or consistent leadership to last.
GOURANGA!
by LongCat on Oct 25, 2010 4:51 PM EDT up reply actions 2 recs
I’d pick Florida as France
Dems fight’n words.
"In case you're wondering what the offense should look like, that wasn't it." - Urban Meyer
There french didn't have anyone on Addazio's level.
Deos fortioribus adesse-Tacitus
by CrimsonHayate on Oct 25, 2010 8:39 PM EDT up reply actions
Wouldnt UF be the US?
Former powerhouse, wins at everything. Current edition being led by confounded leader in over his head (ok, so US in ’00, ’92, ’80 – insert leader to fit your worldview)
You sold me...queer giraffes.
by Bourbon_Meyer on Oct 25, 2010 11:32 PM EDT up reply actions
Nice job graciously avoiding the political food fight.
“At least one of our Presidents over the last thirty-five years [when I started paying attention] was/is a dope who was/is in over his head” is a proposition that absolutely all of us can get behind, and need not tussle over.
I appreciate that.
by Blog Goliard on Oct 26, 2010 10:52 AM EDT up reply actions
Florida is definitely France
But more like early 1800s France coming off 20 years of kicking ass across Europe. And Urban Meyer is Napoleon. And this weekend is June 18, 1815.
Redcoats are comin biaatch!!!
by Hairy Dawg's Manifest Destiny on Oct 26, 2010 9:47 AM EDT up reply actions
Blucher and his Prussians (et al)
Never get any credit even thought they were the ones who won the damn battle.
by PalmettoTiger on Oct 26, 2010 11:34 AM EDT up reply actions
When battles need a winnin'
you can do a lot worse than having the Prussians on your side.
"They've just discovered a new use for sheep over there at Clemson... wool." - Lewis Grizzard
by GwinnettGamecock on Oct 26, 2010 12:32 PM EDT up reply actions
Derek Dooley muss sofort entlassen werden
Er schadet dem gesamten Freiwilligenfußball. Diese glorreiche Universität muss jetzt alle Spiele gewinnen, damit sie eine Chance haben im Musikstadtpokal zu spielen.
by schraderfan on Oct 25, 2010 4:44 PM EDT reply actions 3 recs
god damn my german is so rusty
I only got about half of that before I had to jump over to google translate…
by Oscar Whiskey on Oct 25, 2010 4:48 PM EDT up reply actions
Nice.
Freiwilligenfußball… I gotta remember that one. Musikstadtpokal, too.
by vineyarddawg on Oct 25, 2010 4:49 PM EDT up reply actions
That's just about the only time...
… I’ve ever actually laughed out of entertainment (instead of embarrassment, shame, or mockery) during a Godwinning.
During Derek's original PC, I mean.
Don’t get me wrong, Orson’s piece is funny, too… but it’s more like Joe Pesci funny, you know?
by vineyarddawg on Oct 25, 2010 4:46 PM EDT up reply actions
This man always finds new ways to make like him
God bless you, Precious.
"I've made a huge little mistake." - G.O.B.
Dooley with the media
is likely the only silver lining this season for Tennessee fans
If you win all your fights, you're pickin em
by imhugeinjapan on Oct 25, 2010 5:40 PM EDT up reply actions
I'd say LSU is Russia
It came off with a win in 2007 despite ditching the refined autocrat Czar Nickolas Saban for the man-of-the-people Lenin Miles. Now enemies can take advantage over their poor discipline and ineffective aerial attack to push them to the breaking point, but somehow those Cajun Commies manage to pull it out in the end.
GOURANGA!
They've purged a lot of talent in their troops
Their salvation is Signing day instead of winter, but if they can just make it there, they’ll be able to survive and hold off better-drilled opposition.
Still not the worst WWII comparison ever made by an SEC coach.
That belongs to Saban.
Although to be fair, at one point I compared UGA’s 2006 loss to Vandy to the Holocaust. To my half-Jewish friend.
by JoeDawg15 on Oct 25, 2010 5:01 PM EDT up reply actions 1 recs
I gotta ask
How is one “half-Jewish?”
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them, well, I have others."
That sounded snarky
Upon reflection I suppose it’s possible. After all, my old Army dog tags read “Roman Catholic,” and I’ve long since embraced Roman Polytheism. Based upon my age, I suppose that makes me 3/5th Catholic, 2/5 pagan.
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them, well, I have others."
Given our worship of the Trinity and booze...
… I’d say us Roman Catholics are pretty polytheistic anyways.
"I've made a huge little mistake." - G.O.B.
When one parent is Jewish and the other one isn't.
Yeah, I’m not too keen on comparing losses to the Holocaust or any particular episode of genocide for that matter. Call me crazy.
There's actually a right answer to the quesiton above.
But you already knew that.
"Voetbal is pas totaal als je wint"- Coach Adun
"The greatest sin is to spurn the gift"- Coach Alistair
Yeah, I'm not really going to defend myself here
That said, his Jewish mother is pretty cool about the whole suffering thing. I attended one of her Hanukkah dinners once and her pre-dinner speech was “They tried to kill us all, they didn’t, eat.”
Saban didn’t compare the embarrassing 21-14 loss to Louisiana-Monroe to those events, but picked those historical references to illustrate that this could be a pivotal week for the Crimson Tide.
The only people that made a big deal out of what Saban said were retards who didn’t actually listen to what he was saying.
"Those are just facts and facts are just opinions and opinions can be wrong"
-Veronica, Better Off Ted
But wait a goddamn second
Isn’t Dooley supposed to be Rommel in this metaphor? Way to fall on your sword Bruce.
Also, Arkansas would be Spain. Way the hell out of the way and led by a fascist
I ain't got time fer nonna' yer ding-dang terr' -Charlie Prides Ghost
by ZombieJackTatum on Oct 25, 2010 5:24 PM EDT reply actions 1 recs
Petrino = Don Francisco Franco
nice
You can't get there, from here.
by CoastalCowbell on Oct 25, 2010 5:41 PM EDT up reply actions
If I were General Pershing...
…I’d have been highly disappointed that the highest rank Congress could come up with was the prosaic “General of the Armies of the United States”, instead of “Generalissimo”.
(Now, I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that MacArthur answered to that title anyway, even if Pershing technically outranked him.)
by Blog Goliard on Oct 26, 2010 11:23 AM EDT up reply actions
And they had a civil war that nobody cared about before said fascist came to power.
by robert guiscard on Oct 25, 2010 7:16 PM EDT via mobile up reply actions 1 recs
don't insult Poland like that!
Besides, with Caldwell as coach wouldn’t Vandy as Turkey be more appropriate?
TIGER HAND! GRRR! GRRR!
Aw, c’mon. You don’t remember Rock, Paper, Saddam?
Yeah, Barbara, I just compared Precious to Saddam Hussein. What are you going to to about it? Drawl at me?
Dooley is right...
Tennessee are the German XI Army. Years of glory that made them appear to be better than they actually were. In ’09, they had snappy uniforms and enthusiasm (Wild Boys) and they rolled through South Carolina (Netherlands), Kentucky (Belgium) and Georgia (France). Then in ’10, they turned their sights onto Russia (winning the SEC) with a new leader and are getting poleaxed by the cold weather (lack of talent). Sure, they get close to winning as they retreat (Battle of Kursk/LSU game), but the end is near. I expect Dooley to be in a bunker by the end of the year.
Lawrence Ross
After Kiffin left
I don’t think even the most ridiculous kool-aid drinking UT fan set his/her sights on winning the SEC in ’10
"You know, we had a lot of fun tonight. But there's nothing funny about vapor lock! It's the third most common cause of cars stalling. So please, take care of your car and get it checked!" -Joe Namath
by billycthulhu on Oct 25, 2010 7:46 PM EDT up reply actions
Forget it
He’s on a roll
Bull Sullivan "Toughest Coach there ever was"
by Another damn Dan on Oct 25, 2010 8:15 PM EDT up reply actions
14-0 SEC CHAMPS WOOO 2010 BABY ALL THE WAY!!!!!
______________________________________________
I will give my North Carolina for Tennessee Today. Apparently.
Geogia is clearly 1940s Britain
It’s all there: the nostalgia for past glories not seen for decades, the unjustified sense of superiority and entitlement, the fancy pants, the drinking, the Redcoats, the ENGLISH BULLDOGS…
Empire no longer .
by Hairy Dawg's Manifest Destiny on Oct 25, 2010 6:30 PM EDT reply actions
Neville Chamberlain+Spray Tan=Mark Richt?
Deos fortioribus adesse-Tacitus
by CrimsonHayate on Oct 25, 2010 8:42 PM EDT up reply actions
Because a black emblem in a white oval with a red background
Just screams “Britain!”
Riiight (or is it Richtig?).
LSU is clearly Finland
Doing more with Les.
Dooley = George VI
Overseeing the dismantling of an empire following the abdication of a traitor.
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them, well, I have others."
Could an analogy be made with recruiting hostesses and Lebensborn?
All the way with extra onions and slaw.
by hung like hussien on Oct 25, 2010 6:53 PM EDT reply actions
That, or KdF.
These jokes just flew over everyone’s head faster than a Me-163.
by robert guiscard on Oct 25, 2010 7:28 PM EDT via mobile up reply actions
Eh, maybe.
But if you ask me, the recruiting hostess thing is clearly a job for the Bund Freiwilligen Mädel.
by Blog Goliard on Oct 25, 2010 10:50 PM EDT up reply actions
Ach Scheiße...
…that ought to be “Freiwillinger”, oughtn’t it?
I hate declension.
by Blog Goliard on Oct 25, 2010 10:54 PM EDT up reply actions
Well, it's a bit tricky.
I’m pretty sure Maedel is singular. I’ve always heard it pluralized with an s on the end, but I’m not sure if it actually has a plural form since it’s umgangssprache.
If that’s the case, you should go with Bund freiwilliger Maedchen, or Willing Girls Association.
by hailtogeorgia on Oct 26, 2010 9:08 AM EDT up reply actions
Indeed.
And I would have gone with that until I looked it up, and discovered that the original was not the “Bund Deutscher Mädchen” as I had thought I remembered.
Dangit, why couldn’t the Nazis have done me the favor of only naming things using words I remember from school? Evil bastards.
At any rate, thanks for sharing the language-geeky moment, and for reminding me of the concept of umgangssprache. (Surely an important concept to those ancestors of mine who came from Baden, where the unofficial motto is “Wir können alles. Außer Hochdeutsch.”.)
by Blog Goliard on Oct 26, 2010 11:06 AM EDT up reply actions
That's pretty true.
I work with a bunch of folks from Baden-Wuerttemburg…the Schwabisch that they speak is pretty different from what I’m used to and it took me a little bit to pick up on the differences.
by hailtogeorgia on Oct 26, 2010 11:30 AM EDT up reply actions
First turkey insemination
Now D-day references, not to mention 9-11, and whatever Coach Giggity has come up with recently. The SEC is clearly leading America in the all-important category of coaches’ press conferences. That doesn’t even include The Hat, because including his quotes is just cheating, and you know it.
Surely the fine coaches of the other conferences can respond. An ex-Tennessee coach out west could rise to the occasion, couldn’t he?
.
by Longhorn in Canada on Oct 25, 2010 7:42 PM EDT reply actions
He mentioned octopus rape ...
and none of you even had to ask what that was.
Excuse me for my bellicosity. And spelling. Bellicosity and spelling.
by Blackheartnopants on Oct 25, 2010 8:16 PM EDT up reply actions
We've read Schnelly's book
Though, to be fair, it was consensusal. Not even cephalopods can resist that man.
by PalmettoTiger on Oct 25, 2010 8:55 PM EDT up reply actions 1 recs
Whooooo! Press confrence nashnal champyons!
I’m not making fun of anybody. That’s the phonetic spelling of how I would say that sentence.
"They've just discovered a new use for sheep over there at Clemson... wool." - Lewis Grizzard
by GwinnettGamecock on Oct 25, 2010 11:18 PM EDT up reply actions
Dammit
Like this year’s babyvols, I have potential but nothing of substance. I almost had something involving Les Miles and the Enigma machine, but keep getting distracted by Dooley’s shower hygine curriculum and how it could tie into “Das Boot” when they realized the whole crew had crabs.
And your question is?
Nick Saban compared an Alabama loss to the aftermath of 9/11.
P.S.-By the way, is it me or is the Dooley boy a little cockeyed?
Well, whaddayaknow? It IS Saturday!
I can accept being compared to the Italians.
They have great food, and they spend all day driving around on little Vespas saying “Ciao.”
/Izzard’d
Yes, I live in Starkville...WHO did I piss off in a past life?
by Queen Hoka-Hotty-Toddy on Oct 26, 2010 9:50 AM EDT reply actions
Who gets to be Anne Frank in all this?
Eat what the monkey eats, then eat the monkey. -U.S. Navy survival guidance
Your mother.
______________________________________________
I will give my North Carolina for Tennessee Today. Apparently.
Ranch Dip
Does the rat and boiled shoe leather come with Ranch dip?
#PokeyStix
The gall dang'd Germans got nothing to do with it!
/BufordTJustice’d
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