DEREK DOOLEY ON THE GERMANS BOMBING PEARL HARBOR

See, here's the problem. We're like the Germans. We're on the phone with Rommel, and he's not around, we're like hey, what about spreading the cyanide pills around a little here, buddy? Little selfish, dontcha think? There's cyanide enough for everyone here! There's two things Germans and Russians never run out of: poison and anti-Semitism. Just stocked full of both, I tell you. 

And the Italians, they're just  whistling at women, living with their mothers, and thinking about shoes while letting the Germans do all the fighting, because they'd rather be eating dinner with their shirt off and checking out the odds for the greyhound races that day. Sometimes we do a little bit of that around here, too, but mostly we're like the Germans in World War Two in that we're fighting on all fronts. Bruce Pearl might not like this comparison. Just thought about that, actually.  

Oh well. 

The Italians of the SEC are Ole Miss, because they don't really care about war and are obsessed with dressing up. 

I mean, I don't want to say we're Nazis. I'm comparing us to Germans. You know, there's a lot of different kinds of Germans. Most people don't realize that. They're more than distant icy father figures in popular German cinema and harsh caricatures of relentless discipline. There's fat Germans, lazy Germans. They exist. They're called Austrians. 

I dunno. Maybe we've got this all wrong and we're the Chinese in World War Two: just in bad shape to start, and then killed in droves by Japan. Alabama'd be Japan because their leader is short and likes books about octopus rape. Don't print that. Anyway, we gotta be like Mao, just go up to the hills to survive. I don't mean that literally, since there's nothing to eat up there but venison and persimmons, and I don't think that would be overly kind to your digestive system. 

You'd probably shit jai-alai balls is what I'm saying. That'd hurt without benefit, and we don't hurt without benefit. Maybe we're the Russians. We just have to be like the last men in Stalingrad holding out in the winter. We'd have to fight. We'd have to stay strong. Might involve a little drinking. Heck, might involve a lot of drinking. Might have to eat a few rats is what I'm saying, as long as eating each rat and piece of boiled shoe leather got you one step closer to victory. 

It's a process is what I'm saying. And at the end, just like the Russians, we'd kill three out of every ten of us for no reason. General Neyland did it from what I understand. That is true, isn't it Bud? 

[SID Bud Ford shoots himself in the head with a blunderbuss.]

I'm not saying we'd resort to that. But if one of 'em had to be my sweetheart for the winter, you couldn't do much better than Jude Law. He's a heartbreaker. You can tell from the eyes. Bet he's a snuggler too, and willing. All British men are just bisexuals waiting to happen. It's one of the reasons they go to war so well. Never lacking for company.

The British of the SEC are Vanderbilt, by the way, because they're bisexual and were last dominant in the 1930s. 

Think I answered that question pretty clearly. Next? 

Video's here. It's not a big deal, but it is funny. At least he didn't compare the game to 9/11 and Pearl Harbor like his mentor did, or make the unfortunate comparison Dennis Franchione made when he told his team "to go out there and exterminate the Tutsi Longhorns like the cockroaches they are, Hutu Aggie Nation!" Master of Motivation, that man. 

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