HOW TO MAKE A LINEBACKER DISAPPEAR COMPLETELY
While callers were peppering him unfiltered from the phone lines on his radio show in Louisiana, seemingly put through without so much as perfunctory sobriety screening as if the producers themselves knew this would be interesting radio and that Les would just deal with it, he had a plan. He knew that if he could get to the weekend, he would have the invisible linebacker at his disposal, and that the game would be his provided the usual storm of fake field goal, one decent touchdown drive, and a barrage of field goals and turnovers.
Les fistpumped, since both victory and the incriminating pictures of him, Mike the Tiger, and former Northern Exposure star Janine Turner caught in delicto flagrante would soon be his. (And with her just starting her Christoga business, the timing really couldn't have been worse, but sometimes the night calls to you with a fish hook baited with irresistible lust.)
ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THIS WEEK'S WEEKLY ARMAGEDDON GAME OF THE WEEK: The Wishbone admits as much: they need you, Cam, because this team is him and accessories, and not quality parts with an accessory quarterback. Attention Auburn: ROBOT SUITS AVAILABLE FOR PROTECTION OF QUARTERBACK.
WE'RE SURE HE RECOVERS SIX TIMES FASTER THAN AN MMA FIGHTER. Ryan Mallett's brain is still bruised, but sure, go ahead and throw him out there a week after he suffered a concussion and the entire national media is abuzz with a sudden concern for the braincases of our scholar-athletes who venture onto the gridiron. (HT: TSK) Dr. Gary Patterson says he's fine, and if you disagree we'll just yell about it until you come around to our way of thinking.
TWEAKING EXECUTION IMPROVEMENT GOT TO GET BETTER ETC. Repetition practice execution opportunity mistakes practice improvement better disappointed injuries progress frustration mistakes think heal execution personnel fix improvement broken herp derpa derp.
GETTING RID OF TURNER GILL WOULD BE VERY EXPENSIVE. Eight million bucks worth of expensive, actually, since Turner Gill's contract has no buyout, and the whole lump sum of his contract would have to be paid out within 90 days of his termination. Kansas is still paying Mark Mangino and Lew Perkins, making them the nation's third leading subsidizer of obesity behind corn syrup and the sadness that makes all fat men seek in food what humanity denies them in compassion and love. /sadfatmanhorn
WHAT THE HELL DOES ONE DO WITH UTEP. There needs to be a special bundled package of risky football teams you can bet on as a unit, and in it you'd find a number of 2010's most inconsistent teams: UCLA, Texas, and most certainly UTEP, who of course had to lose just when you thought you could trust them. (Holly's mid-major report is, as always, required reading and a labor of love. YARBNALLS.)
SAVE OUR SIDELINE REPORTERS. From the Gainesville Sun:
Elizabeth Moreau...was staying at the Hilton Garden Inn at 4075 S.W. 33rd Place when she got a call in her room at 12:20 a.m. According to a report by Officer Thomas Hayes-Morrison, the caller told Moreau the hotel was on fire and that she should block the door to her room with towels. The guest complied with the request. Then the caller told Moreau to remove the porcelain lid from the toilet tank and use it to break a window. After complying with the caller's instructions, Moreau told Hayes-Morrison, she became suspicious because the caller made some rude comments to her.
The gentleman responsible for this has to be a fine young person, we're sure, and entirely reasonable in his motivations. Either that, or Elizabeth Moreau just wanted an excuse to rage out and break a window with a toilet lid, which is also perfectly understandable.
BOLDNESS IN HEADLINING: Bruins Nation has it.