NEW TESTAMENT GOD SORTS THE UNDEFEATEDS (AND HAS A LUNCH DATE)

You're in clouds. Tasteful Swedish furniture surrounds you. The sound of Stevie Wonder's "As" plays at exactly the right volume. New Testament God addresses you. 

Yes, yes...

[gives you the one fingered sign for "need a second here"] 

...yes, Oprah, I understand. Look under your chair! It's a kitten. Ha, i love doing that. No seriously, I just put an adorable kitten under your chair. She'll evaporate in six hours without you suffering any painful memories of its loss. I know! It has no claws and doesn't poop either. It's the perfect cat. I'd make more of them, but my co-workers insist on just cranking out more of their kind. Yeah, that's the regular kind. Okay, O. Love you girl!  

Okay, so next on the agenda...college football!  You! Yes, you. Your team is undefeated. Congratulations! Diversion is important, and pleasure a sacrament, so enjoy your good fortune. We now have to decide what is to become of all of you. I'm first going to address--

[BEEPING NOISE] 

I'm sorry, that's my phone reminding me I have an appointment with Vishnu. Great guy, but little handsy if you know what I mean. But I forgive him! It's what I do. I'll be back in an hour or so, or more if VIshnu gets bent about me ordering steak and we have our usual disagreements. Me bless, and if you need anything in the meantime you can speak with my co-worker, who will be here to assist you. 

A CLAP OF THUNDER. The sound of "Raining Blood." A strong smell of cheese. 

OH MY GOD MY HEAD HURTS I SHOULDN'T BE WORKING HUNGOVER, BUT SOMEONE JUST HAS TO IT FEELS LIKE THOR TOOK A ROTTEN SHARKMEAT VIKING CRAP IN MY BRAINPAN. WHO'S WANTS SOME--I MEAN, MAY I HELP YOU? 

No, no, it's cool. Just sitting over here waiting to see what you're going to do with the undefeateds here. No hurry, it's not like it our lives on the line, and our jobs, and---

--THIRTY POINT LOSS TO OKLAHOMA AND DEVOURED WOLVES IN THE PARKING LOT IT IS, PINKEL! 

--Thanks and praise to you, oh God! 

THE SHINE NEVER COMES OFF THAT APPLE, I TELL YOU. YOU'RE ALSO WELCOME IN ADVANCE FOR THE LOSS TO NEBRASKA. LIKE BILLY MAYS I'M GIVING OUT BARGAINS AND EXPERIENCING CHEST PAINS GOOD LORD I HAVE TO STOP THAWING MEAT AND COOKING IT AFTER I COME HOME FROM THE BAR. WHO MAY I ASSIST HAHHAHAHA NEXT? 

Mid-major over here. 

YES YOU HOW DO YOU LIKE MY TRICK OF HAVING YOU BORN WITHOUT AN UPPER LIP? 

Makes flossin' and shavin' easier, chief. 

I LOVE AN OPTIMIST. YOU SHALL LOSE TO UTAH BECAUSE THIS WILL MAKE THINGS CONFUSING.  

Mighty 'preciative, chief. 

AND FOR THAT CHIEF BUSINESS I WILL ALSO HAVE YOU ACCEPT A JOB OFFER TO COACH THE BUFFALO BILLS. IT WILL SUCK, BUT YOU ALREADY KNOW THAT. 

Always grateful for the opportunity, Chief. 

I SHOULD HAVE GIVEN YOU THE TOM COUGHLIN TREATMENT AND TAKEN BOTH OF YOUR LIPS BUT YOU'D PROBABLY THANK ME FOR THAT, TOO, YOU TEXAN TWIT. NEXT! 

I was just hoping, you know, that we could get a shot at--

I HAVE FOR YOU A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH. 

So, we have to go to Arizona again? 

"GOD ENRICHES" YOU BY SENDING YOU TO ARIZONA TO MAKE YOU APPRECIATIVE OF THE SLIGHTLY BETTER DUNGHEAP YOU INHABIT AHAHAHAHA. KIDS TABLE FOR YOU NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS I'M AFRAID. ADDITIONALLY, I SHALL GIVE YOU THE POWER TO HEAR BCS CRITICS WHINING IN STEREO WITHOUT THE HELP OF ANY DIGITAL BROADCASTING DEVICES. TRY TO MAKE SWEET LOVE TO YOUR WIFE WITH THE SOUND OF DAN WETZEL IN YOUR EARS. 

I...I don't think that's physically possible. 

EXACTLY BUT THE BIRTH RATE IN IDAHO ISN'T SUFFERING IS IT? TOO BAD FOR YOU. CALL ME COMCAST BECAUSE YOU'RE GETTING SERVED POORLY AND IN A KIND OF RAPEY FASHION.

Hey, easy there. Comcast is some trademarked shit down here, son. 

RIGHT,  APOLOGIES THERE. SPARE ME YOUR LEGAL NOTICES I KNOW YOUR STAFF IS UNPARALLELED. 

Ha. Lawyers. 

INDEED. NEXT! 

Well, I---

OH YOU'LL MAKE THE TITLE GAME, STOOPS HAHAHAHAHHAA. 

I've got to win another one. I mean, can't I cut a deal here? 

The Reggie Bush option? See me about it after this meeting, sir. 

Will do. I'll talk with Pete about your references HEY WOLVES TOO COME ON--

I HAD SOME LEFT OVER FROM PINKEL AND BESIDES ONE NEGOTIATION AT A TIME YOUNG MAN.  WHO REMAINS? 

Hey, we're undefeated. 

[GLOWERS] 

We are. I'm not making anything up there. We're undefeated, and could stake a claim to the title game if--

PRESSING YOUR LUCK A BIT, DON'T YOU THINK? [twitches twitchy smitey finger] 

Well, yes, like Jim Delany says, we're quite happy with the Rose Bowl, I guess. 

ATTA BOY. NEXT! 

Over here, sir. 

NEXT! 

HEY! I said, I"M OVER HERE, AND---

....

Ah, the old unanswered prayer bit. 

IT'S A CLASSIC OF MINE. SUFFER AND YOU MAY LIVE ANOTHER THREE DECADES YE WHO ARE OH SO PERPETUALLY FAMILIAR WITH YOUR AGE AND GENDER. WHO REMAINS? 

I AM A BALL OF INTENSITY AND WANT EVERYONE TO SEE IT IN MY YELLING AND IRON JAW! 

OH HELL NO YOU DON'T I'M THE ONLY ALL-CAPS CHARACTER HERE. I SENTENCE YOU TO BE COACH AT AUBURN, WHERE YOU WILL EVENTUALLY BE FIRED IN A BACKSTABBING MANNER A THIRD-WORLD DESPOT WOULD CALL "DISORDERLY AND UNSEEMLY." 

WOOO THAT SOUNDS GREAT! 

FINE ENJOY LOSING TWICE TO LSU AND ALABAMA YOU INTENSE PERSON YOU. PS I'D AVOID PRIVATE PLANES LOWDER SAW WHAT WE DID OVER IN RWANDA AND LIKES OUR STYLE WHEN IT COMES TO HANDLING FIRINGS THE "NATURAL" WAY. 

NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT GRRRR INSENTITITTIES!!!! 

NOT SURPRISED. THERE'S TWO OF YOU LEFT. WHO GOES FIRST? 

Let's get this over with. I like to go fast and this is killing me. 

ON TWO-FER TUESDAY WE SPIN NOTHING BUT THE CLASSICS CHIP KELLY! 

So...stationary...so...slow...

NOT AS SLOW AS UCLA BUT THAT WILL MAKE LOSING TO THEM EVEN WORSE. SAY HELLO TO LOT'S WIFE FOR ME. QUITE A FILTHY MOUTH ON HER, BUT THEN AGAIN SHE'S A--

Don't say it. 

--SALTY OLD BROAD! HAHAHAHAHA NOW FOR THE FINAL--

So, how'd it go while I was gone? 

GOOD CHRIST--

Yes? [points to self] 

HAHAHA WELL PLAYED. YOU STILL SMELL LIKE FERRET CURRY. 

Vishnu remains overly friendly, and powerful in his fragrances. 

FINE FINE NO ONE CALLED. OKAY, I DIDN'T ANSWER THE PHONE. 

You never do. 

I KNOW I'M THE BEST LOL. SO THERE'S THIS ONE GUY LEFT. WANT TO DO HIS CASE TOGETHER? 

Sure. Who is it? 

Hey guys. Great day. Having one. Hope you are, too. Jenga birdman catastrophic taffy willow. Drake Nevis ate my BMW, but that's fine because he spit out a Bentley. Can't wait to get to play Georgia this weekend. 

I...I HAVE TO. NOTHING'S FELT THIS RIGHT SINCE THE CHILDREN'S CRUSADE. 

And I always love a fool. You go right ahead. 

CONGRATULATIONS, NATIONAL CHAMPION. 

Awww, thanks. I love you Grizzly Adams King of the Clouds and Torrence Fishburne! 

IT'S GETTING MISTY IN HERE. 

Back atcha, ma'am. Back atcha. 

You may notice there's not Utah. That's because neither God nor the Blogpoll knows what to do with them.