HOWARD SCHNELLENBERGER'S TOP 25

Every two weeks or so Howard Schnellenberger files his top 25 with us. What follows is the unedited and unaltered ballot as submitted by the legendary Florida Atlantic coach. 

1. SMU. Back at the top after a disappointing performance by suspenders this week. Apologies to the ladies in the parking lot of the Federal Highway Golden Corral for what they had to see following a large meal of steak fingers and good scotch last week. Or "you're welcome." You choose.*

*They don't have scotch for you at Golden Corral. But they have it for ol' Schnelly. 

2. Pumpkins. I like to cook 'em over a fire of burning dolphin carcasses. It's a flavor thing.  

3. Della Reese. Touched by an Angel doesn't begin to describe this lady's tender touch. Not afraid to eat in front of a man, either. 

4. Concussions. Don't understand why everyone's so deeply upset. They make your brain bigger. Some country of geniuses we live in these days. 

5. Oklahoma. It's the only state with the courtesy to offer a test strip. If you like the panhandle, you can get the rest of the state for free. Always respected that.  

6. Golf course pencils. A man shouldn't be afraid to write with mistakes. I also write dirty jokes on my molars with 'em for my dentist to see. He appreciates my good humor and my regular flossing. 

7. Every Which Way But Loose. Don't tell me apes can't win Oscars. If they went to space for us, they can win a naked golden eunuch for their performances in the cinema.

8. Metal Detectors. Run it over a lady on the beach. If she doesn't have a little surgical steel in her, she ain't lived hard enough to be with a real man such as yourself. 

9. Soy Sauce. Think of it as Visine for men. 

10. Fire ants. Cheaper than coffee, high in protein, and rich in spirit. Take them daily for best results. 

11. China. A country so dedicated to strength they even squat to defecate. 

12. Old Fashioned Parking Meters. The last meter I saw said "pay with your cell phone." By the time I stuffed the damn thing in the slot it was trashed, so who knows what they'll do with it. Next time I'll just park where I always do: right at the damned door, son.  

13. Mesh panties. Buy the big ones at Lane Bryant, cast 'em deep on a line, and you've got yourself as a cheap bait net as you'll find. 

14. Catacombs. Didn't know poisonous gas builds up in those things. Neither did my last freshman class. In related news: we have open scholarship slots are available at Florida Atlantic University. 

15. Legionnaire's Disease. If you've got that many men in a room for that long and it's not a bomb shelter, you've got other problems.

16. Men's Body Wash. They should make some for living men, too. Not everyone has a friend at the morgue like I do.

17. "Signalling left, turning right." It's the play-action pass of driving maneuvers. The key is selling the blinker. 

18. German Bread. There's reasons to be nervous around Germans and ovens, but this ain't one. 

19. Sock Garters. I like my socks like I like my wide receivers: tight, tall, tough, and preferably black. 

20. Recumbent bikes. If you like seeing tail pipes and sweating, it's the next best thing to an Istanbul bathhouse.

21. Turfman's Own Oregon Heifer Feet Jerky Heel Lifts. From Turfman's new line of products for ladies. Made for the larger lady in your life who might need an extra lift in the shoe followed by a lift of her spirits in the form of 100% Oregon beef jerky. Shrink-wrapped and 100% organic. 

22. Marimba. It's the abacus of the ears. I play mine at Leslie's Hideaway in Boca on Wednesday nights during the early bird. Stop by and say hello. 

23.  Grub hoes. Best sand wedge you'll ever use, a loyal friend in a public house fracas,  and a fine bottle opener in a pinch. Also good for digging holes, or as I sometimes call them while on the road recruiting, "dirt motels." 

24. Black Powder Place teaspoon inside gourd. Light fuse. Insert. Sit on pillow. It's the laxative that's kept Kentucky regular for two centuries. 

25. Manatees. You call it going green, but I ride 'em to work for pleasure and have done so for years.