A MEETING OF THE OLE MISS MASCOT COMMITTEE, 10/14/2010

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A group of five students and various administrators sit down in the Archie Manning Conference Room in the Archie Manning Student Center, located at the corner of Archie Manning Drive and Archie Manning way. Athletic Director PETE BOONE walks in and gestures for all to sit. 

Boone holds up a cardboard cut out of Archie Manning's head. 

Boone: Archie Manning

Room: ARCHIE MANNING. 

Boone: We don't have much time, so I'd like to get right down to business. What have you decided about our new mascot, ladies and gentlemen? 

Student Chairperson: What? I'm sorry. I was--

[The chairperson's eyes are bloodshot red at nine in the morning.] 

Boone: Yes?

Student Chairperson: I just don't get up this early, usually. Sorry.  

Boone: ....

Student Chairperson: Do you have anything to eat? 

Boone: Please, we don't have a lot of time, and I have a pressing situation to attend to. 

Fifty miles off the coast of Mississippi, Houston Nutt stands on an abandoned oil platform wearing a tin crown and holding a blunderbuss. He is talking into a cellphone very loudly. 

Nutt: It's mine, Pete! All mine! No taxes! No FOIA requests! You tell those dadburned rapscalawagabums to bring the stadium to me! THE SOVEREIGN KINGDOM OF HOOTINDALEARANIA HAS BEEN BORN!

Back to the conference room. 

Boone: [rubs eyes , looks miserable] 

Student Chairperson: So, we chose Ackbar. 

Boone: I told you that was---

Student Chairperson: SIKE! Just fuckin' with you, dude. It's the bear, just like it was supposed to be. 

Boone: [Sighs.] Okay, then we've decided. Thank you for your "work" here, and know you've helped Ole Miss move into the future with confidence. Gladys, please have the art department contract some initial work---

Student Chairperson: [giggles] 

Boone: I'm sorry, aren't we done here? 

Student Chairperson: We already have some sketches done, sir. 

Boone: Really? You understand, that, um...these would already be the property of the university by definition, and that we could use them without any unnecessary---

Student Chairperson: Hey, Pete. Chill. Dad owns like five HVAC wholesalers. We're never going broke. God, I'm hungry. 

Boone: So what is this proposed mascot? 

Student Chairperson: Hey, Jessica, if you could just hit the projector there---

A projector flickers to life. The Chairperson turns off the lights.  An image appears on the wall. 

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Student Chairperson: Ta-DAAAA! You're welcome.

Boone: I love it!

Boone's assistant: He's so jaunty! 

Student Chairperson: That's one word for him! 

Boone: He'll need some tweaks, of course. 

Student Chairperson: I was going to recommend some candy, you know, to make him friendly to the kids. 

Boone: That's a great idea! 

Student Chairperson: And a van, to give him a kind of themed vehicle. Preferably a windowless one to save on repair costs. You never know when an opposing fan is going to wing a brick or some shit. 

Boone: I'm really impressed by your work here. This is what we're going with. Ole Miss is going to be proud of what we've done here. Gladys, open the checkbook and start writing. We need this on all kinds of branding: t-shirts, banners, websites, everything. I've got to go, but you've got a real future here, son! 

Student Chairperson: Archie Manning, sir! 

Boone: Archie Manning! 

Boone and others leave. The Student Chairperson picks up his cellphone and dials. 

Student Chairperson: It's done. 

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Mullen: The wire transfer will be in your account by noon today. Destroy this phone. Your plane ticket is in bus station locker #48 at the Greyhound stop in Oxford. This number is being disabled. I suggest you make your stay out of the country a long one. 

Student Chairperson: Ha. There's a cool new country in the Gulf I can go to. 

Mullen: Well, watch it. It might get crowded out there on that oil platform. You know how he is about oversigning new recruits. 

[THEY LAUGH] 

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