Mack Brown sits in a crowded diner. A TOTAL STRANGER sits next to him.
Mack Brown: Hi, I'm Mack Brown. Yes, that Mack Brown, coach of the finest football team in all of college football, the Texas Longhorns. Why yes, that is me. Really. Here's my National Title ring to prove it. Why, it's nice to meet you, too.
I couldn't help but notice that...sandwich. Yes, that sandwich. The one that just landed on your plate. They do make a good one here, don't they? It's the best! The meats are all the kind of quality you'd have to pay double for anywhere else. It's a miracle you get so much for so little here, but still with the kind of loving care we try to put into coaching our football players. If I were a more literary man, I'd call that Sandwich the Texas Longhorn. I know, it's not imaginative, but it's representative of the kind of quality we try to put into our program every day for the fine men and women who make up the great state of Texas.
I mean, don't get me wrong. I know you ordered it. I know you're hungry, just like we're all hungry for the good things in life like success, and championships, and Colt McCoy. I know you want it as much as you've wanted anything in your life, both because you're human, and because frankly you're a little fat, and probably like sandwiches more than even the average sandwich-loving American does.
I don't mean that to hurt. You're not? No, not fifteen. Ten at most, and even then you're still lookin' pretty good.
And I know there's a sandwich on my plate. We're just fortunate like that here at Texas. There's sandwiches all over the place here. Big ones, piled with fresh ingredients and bursting with flavor. This one's loaded with chili peppers and will probably make me say a few things young children shouldn't say. I call it the Will Muschamp, because it's fiery, passionate, and can't be purchased in the state of Tennessee.
But your sandwich...it just looks so good. It's not that I need it, it's that Texas needs it, total stranger sitting next to me at a restaurant bar. Texas needs good sandwiches no matter how many they have. Tell me you want your sandwich to be part of the great things we have going on here.
TOTAL STRANGER: I dunno, I'm pretty hungry, and I know you already have one...
Mack Brown: I have puppies. Glorious King Charles Spaniels. Give me your delicious sandwich, and Hook 'em Horns.
Puppies: WOOF! WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF!
Total Stranger: Well, how can I say no to puppies!
Mack "Two Sandwiches" Brown: