THE WORST QUARTERBACK PROSPECT OF THIS YEAR'S CLASS

by Orson on Jan 27, 2010 3:53 PM EST

Our legion of anonymously quoted and possibly fictitious NFL scouts give you the inside information on the composite worst prospects coming out of college in 2010.

EYES: Jevan Snead. Suffers from rare condition "degenerative double image elision," where the victim sees one person in an area when in fact there are two, or sometimes even three in the space targeted.

HAIR: Jimmy Clausen. "56 strands of blond hair in rapid retreat. His hair lacks the moxie and leadership you want in an NFL quarterback."

BRAIN: Jonathan Crompton. "Too preoccupied with finding smaller fish, crabs, and small grubs in the murk on the bottom of the river to read defenses properly. Susceptible to being baited in play, and with any thing: a disguised zone blitz, spinning reel, or sometimes just by dangling a nightcrawler on the end of a hook."

SKIN: Joe Cox. "Definitely not the healthy, spot free russet Corinthian leather you like to see on a white quarterback. In fact, by this special NFL scout-constructed sample tab I carry with me at all times, it is at least 17 shades off the normal for Caucasian quarterback. Yes, we measure that, too. It's your largest organ, unless your name is Peyton Manning. And then the answer there is "forehead."

SHOULDER: Sam Bradford. "Self-explanatory."

NON-THROWING ARM: Tony Pike. "That thing has so many pins in it by now he can't legally be considered human. At this point he's more machine than man, twisted and evil--wait, no, actually scratch that, he'd be perfect here."

THROWING MOTION: TIM TEBOW. "We've taken to calling it 'The Frittata,' because it's fluffy, scrambled, and requires breaking eggs."

LEGS: CHRIS TURNER. "His slow 40 time shouldn't bother him, since surviving four years behind Maryland's offensive lines should more than prepare him for the tire-iron party he'll go through as an NFL quarterback."

BALLS: RYAN PERRILOUX "Anyone named as a person of interest in a federal investigation before the age of 22 has a name: future Mr. Cincinnati Bengal, sir."

BALL SECURITY: JARRETT BROWN. "He's like a punt waiting to happen, but instead of going in the air on 4th down for a field position-changing kick, it goes out of his hand on 2nd down for a fumble. So, yeah, nothing like a punt at all, and just a fumble."

PENIS: RILEY SKINNER. "Overexposed in college."

ARM: JUICE WILLIAMS. "If his arm were a television series, I'd call it Lost, since neither made any sense or had any direction after four years, either."

OTHER SHOULDER: Colt McCoy. "If you can't throw with a numb arm, you're just not going to make it in this league, frankly. Troy Aikman couldn't feel the right side of his body for three years, and what do we call him today? Great. A brain-damaged, slurring, and possibly IQ-dented great."

GAG REFLEX: DARRYL CLARK.

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NICE.

by Winfield Featherston on Jan 27, 2010 4:00 PM EST reply actions

Trying not to think about how they evaluate that gag reflex.

by zzgator on Jan 27, 2010 4:09 PM EST reply actions

Sir Alec Guinness wants to have a word with you on line 1.

by Geaux Irish on Jan 27, 2010 4:18 PM EST reply actions

Absolutely awesome. Two things: One, I thought the Riley Skinner e-mail saga thing wasn’t that well known outside of Wake’s womens’ soccer team. Two: You forgot to include balls of dough on the end of empty plastic oil bottles for Mr, Crompton. He looks like the perfect pick for the Raiders.

by joe on Jan 27, 2010 4:21 PM EST reply actions

You could have saved yourself plenty of time and just said “Danny Sullivan.” Adding to what zzgator said, he must have blown somebody to get all that playing time. Otherwise he possesses all the characteristics depicted above, save balls.

by Big Jon on Jan 27, 2010 4:22 PM EST reply actions

That is awesome

by DrB on Jan 27, 2010 4:23 PM EST reply actions

darryl clark should be caveated with “exception: LSU”

by jd on Jan 27, 2010 4:31 PM EST reply actions

which should be caveated with “les miles clock management”

ad infinitum

by jd on Jan 27, 2010 4:32 PM EST reply actions

You forgot ATTITUDE: MAX HALL. He thinks this post is classless and he hates you.

by ronald on Jan 27, 2010 4:34 PM EST reply actions

FACIAL HAIR: Rusty Smith (FAU). There’s some dirt on your chin, son.

by Brian O'Blivion on Jan 27, 2010 4:45 PM EST reply actions

Baton Rouge misses your sweet sweet moxy, Ryan Perrilloux, in times of facing certain terrorist that infiltrated our bars, casino’s and sushi restaurants. Also the realization, that even though you were a dumbass, the last 2 seasons at LSU would have been immensely different, in a good way, although we would have had a hell of a time covering up your tomfoolery. It’s funny, the move that made Les Miles a righteous man among his peers ultimately set him up for certain failure in the since ,mediocrity is apparently not allowed in these parts.

by Kevin@LSU on Jan 27, 2010 4:46 PM EST reply actions

Legs should have been Taylor Potts. Hell of an arm but he can’t scramble for shit. I’m pretty sure a sloth could take him down if his line allowed a sloth to come off the end (and we’re not talking about the Goonies here).

by rraiderfan on Jan 27, 2010 5:36 PM EST reply actions