Our legion of anonymously quoted and possibly fictitious NFL scouts give you the inside information on the composite worst prospects coming out of college in 2010.
EYES: Jevan Snead. Suffers from rare condition "degenerative double image elision," where the victim sees one person in an area when in fact there are two, or sometimes even three in the space targeted.
HAIR: Jimmy Clausen. "56 strands of blond hair in rapid retreat. His hair lacks the moxie and leadership you want in an NFL quarterback."
BRAIN: Jonathan Crompton. "Too preoccupied with finding smaller fish, crabs, and small grubs in the murk on the bottom of the river to read defenses properly. Susceptible to being baited in play, and with any thing: a disguised zone blitz, spinning reel, or sometimes just by dangling a nightcrawler on the end of a hook."
SKIN: Joe Cox. "Definitely not the healthy, spot free russet Corinthian leather you like to see on a white quarterback. In fact, by this special NFL scout-constructed sample tab I carry with me at all times, it is at least 17 shades off the normal for Caucasian quarterback. Yes, we measure that, too. It's your largest organ, unless your name is Peyton Manning. And then the answer there is "forehead."
SHOULDER: Sam Bradford. "Self-explanatory."
NON-THROWING ARM: Tony Pike. "That thing has so many pins in it by now he can't legally be considered human. At this point he's more machine than man, twisted and evil--wait, no, actually scratch that, he'd be perfect here."
THROWING MOTION: TIM TEBOW. "We've taken to calling it 'The Frittata,' because it's fluffy, scrambled, and requires breaking eggs."
LEGS: CHRIS TURNER. "His slow 40 time shouldn't bother him, since surviving four years behind Maryland's offensive lines should more than prepare him for the tire-iron party he'll go through as an NFL quarterback."
BALLS: RYAN PERRILOUX "Anyone named as a person of interest in a federal investigation before the age of 22 has a name: future Mr. Cincinnati Bengal, sir."
BALL SECURITY: JARRETT BROWN. "He's like a punt waiting to happen, but instead of going in the air on 4th down for a field position-changing kick, it goes out of his hand on 2nd down for a fumble. So, yeah, nothing like a punt at all, and just a fumble."
PENIS: RILEY SKINNER. "Overexposed in college."
ARM: JUICE WILLIAMS. "If his arm were a television series, I'd call it Lost, since neither made any sense or had any direction after four years, either."
OTHER SHOULDER: Colt McCoy. "If you can't throw with a numb arm, you're just not going to make it in this league, frankly. Troy Aikman couldn't feel the right side of his body for three years, and what do we call him today? Great. A brain-damaged, slurring, and possibly IQ-dented great."
GAG REFLEX: DARRYL CLARK.