MUSTACHE WEDNESDAY: ROBB AKEY

by Orson on Jan 20, 2010 1:17 PM EST Comment 18 comments

The offseason marks the return of Mustache Wednesday. We kick it off in regal fashion with college football's second finest mustache next to Schnelly's: Idaho coach Robb Akey.

Happy Mustache Wednesday, motherfuckers!

Robb Akey has so many laudable qualities all exemplified by his mustache. He could easily serve as a voice double for Charlie Donovan in Major Leaguei>; he coaches a team named "the Vandals"; he went for two rather than going to overtime in an insane Humanitarian Bowl against Bowling Green because he, being a man of testicularity, consulted his mustache for the decision. The actual dialogue:

Robb Akey: "Hey, I'm going for two here, mustache. You're down, right?"

Robb Akey's Mustache: "Apussysayswhat?"

Robb Akey: "Overtime, that's what a pussy says."

Robb Akey's Mustache: "Ace-Trips-Drag-Z-Over-40. That's how heroes die."

Robb Akey: "Right."

Robb Akey is also only 43 years old and looks somewhere around sixty. There are two kinds of men in this world: those that look prematurely aged because they've allowed life to take whole chunks out of their soul, and those who look that way because they've accumulated badass at a rate twice that of the normal man. Robb Akey is clearly in the latter group, and for that we salute him and his magnificent pudenda-saddle.

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Certainly his halftime interview at the Pete Carroll Bowl in Boise is one of the top ten on-field interviews of all time. “You’re gonna love it!”

Also in the top ten: “Inside trout” by Joe Kines, “We’re not blockin’ or tacklin’” by Bobby Bowden, and “We thought they’d pucker up” by Bobby Johnson.

by Gen. Stoopnagle on Jan 20, 2010 2:17 PM EST reply actions

Charlie Donovan? Sounds more like Lou Brown to me! “C’mon, Dorn!! Don’t gimme that ole’ bullshit!!”

by The Gentleman Masher on Jan 20, 2010 3:20 PM EST reply actions

60 year old forehead? check.

40 year old mustache? check.

20 year old eyes? dreamy, and check.

Overtime? we don’t need none of that pussy bullshit.

by Pistol-Whipped Elephant on Jan 20, 2010 3:30 PM EST reply actions

his response to the mustache playcall should have been “that’s a helluvan idea….TEMP!”

by Jonesy on Jan 20, 2010 3:36 PM EST reply actions

He gives all the ladies in Idaho the “Akey Breaky Heart”.

by GamecockTony on Jan 20, 2010 3:50 PM EST reply actions

Pudenda Saddle is my favorite new phrase.

by Pudenda Saddle on Jan 20, 2010 3:56 PM EST reply actions

every bit of this makes perfect sense. we salute you, sir…and your crumb catcher

by LCG on Jan 20, 2010 4:09 PM EST reply actions

BTW, the color of that mustache is WIN.

by Go Big Rev on Jan 20, 2010 4:46 PM EST reply actions

Can you guys also smell that stache through your monitors? The stories those two could tell…

by jacketexan on Jan 20, 2010 5:28 PM EST reply actions

What? No mention that his sons’ names are Jack and Daniel?

by VandalCoder on Jan 20, 2010 5:43 PM EST reply actions

You know that ’stache sooo wants to tear that tool Chris Petersen a new asshole.

by EZ on Jan 20, 2010 7:13 PM EST reply actions

This also fails to mention the names of his two sons: Jack and Daniel. Akey is, and forever will be, Idaho’s No. 1 bad ass. Go Vandals!

by Tribefromthenorth on Jan 20, 2010 7:49 PM EST reply actions

Orson, sorry for this slight thread jack, but in the vaguely same vein as appearance I’ve recently seen something that troubles me. NFL network is airing this show called Full Color Football or something like that and it details the origins of the afl. Young Lamar Hunt figures prominently in this tale as we all know. Based on the few photos or videos I’ve seen of you I’ve got wonder are you the long lost love child of good ole Lamar? In the nicest possible way there’s some resemblance there. Just sayin’-there might be some nfl perks in this for you. Or at least something you can turn to cash and use for booze.

by Gene on Jan 21, 2010 1:36 AM EST reply actions

Little Known Fact: Vandals was chosen as their nickname after a campus vote, where it narrowly defeated “the Fighting Potatoes”.

by Rob Akey's Left Nostril on Jan 21, 2010 7:16 AM EST reply actions

Late to the game, but Pudenda Saddle will carry me through the day.

by ohiodawg on Jan 21, 2010 8:02 AM EST reply actions

The Vandals got their nickname when they Vandalized an opposing schools campus the night before a basketball game about a hundred years ago.

by Geoff on Jan 21, 2010 10:08 AM EST reply actions

RALN @ 14:

Moscow is North Idaho. All the potatoes are way the heck down in South Idaho. This is a sore point for those of us erstwhile northern Idahoans made to drive around with license plates advertising “Famous Potatoes”.

Though that was just one entry in a catalog of humiliations, starting when they stole the territorial capital from Lewiston, spiriting away the official seals in the dead of night. (No seals, no government…it was as simple as that back in the day. Nowadays they’d probably start by hijacking the state website instead.)

There was a longstanding half-serious North Idaho secessionist movement, in fact. Don’t know how many people still dwell on it these days, but back when I lived there, there was a guy known as “Diamond Jim” who held court in a Moscow bar as the self-appointed Governor of North Idaho. Though the full pipe-dream involved adding North Idaho to Eastern Washington, plus slices of Oregon and Montana, to create a new state, possibly to be called Columbia.

Sorry…it’s the offseason, and thus time for meandering digressions on obscure topics…

by Blog Goliard on Jan 21, 2010 1:33 PM EST reply actions