LO! THE FULMER CUP BEGINNETH

by Orson on Jan 14, 2010 12:18 PM EST

It begins: The Fulmer Cup Season 2010 is now open. The theme? THE YEAR WE MAKE (ILLEGAL AND PROSECUTABLE) CONTACT.

Pours out an entire bottle of Cheerwine for the dead homey Fulmer.

The SAS Wiki has become an unofficial but valued adjunct of EDSBS' efforts--now in our fourth year doing this--to categorize, classify, and tally the illicit behavior of college football athletes. Thus do we finally come up with a scientifically valid and indisputable record you may tote into message board discussion of "Who is most felonious?", and thus establish peace and logic on these internets forever.* The rules are posted over there, as is the Fulmer Cup Processing Station, an important repository of unawarded cases ready for processing by the Queen of Hearts, ourselves.

Queen of Hearts, btw, is both an Alice In Wonderland reference and a general rule to follow here. Bonus points are awarded as we see fit, and if you don't like it, off with your head. Additionally, we will exercise the right to reduce points on dismissed charges only if they're complete bullshit. For instance, Trent Pupello's Cup-winning charges last year were dismissed, but no one disputes his pistol-whipping several people in a parking lot. The points stand, and if you don't like it...well, you may speak with Monsieur Guillotine over there.

The first points awarded this year go to:

TIE: Notre Dame And Minnesota. Minnesota had a bar incident on New Year's Day, but the Fulmer Cup season for everyone begins the second the national title game ends, so the Gophers tie with the Irish for the kickoff points of the year.

Notre Dame's Michael Floyd was cited for underage drinking on January 8th, and thus earns one point for Notre Dame. Being blind drunk in Minnesota in January is the only way to cope, sure, but the points stand whether or not Minnesota is judged to be uninhabitable. Floyd fled the scene of a fight that drew police to the party in the first place, and admitted both to fighting with a Somali male at the party and to drinking. DON'T MESS WITH MOGADISHU.

The same fight also gave points to Floyd's teammate Shady Salamon, who earns one point for Minnesota. The Gophers also had two players nicked for underage drinking and punching security guards after their 14-13 loss to Iowa State in the Insight Bowl, but cannot count it due to the start date of the Fulmer Cup, and because losing to Iowa State does grant every player on the losing team one free misdemeanor each with a 24 hour expiry period.

We are the Pirates Who Cannot Handle Our Liquor. Carolina cops must be especially ticky-tacky, because picking up two drunk and slightly belligerent football players doesn't usually yield seven points. Ahoy, Fulmer Cup lead, though: cornerback Emanuel Davis and running back Brandon Jackson were drunk and hollerin' at 4:40 in the morning after a car accident of some sort in the parking lot. Then this happened:

A court record states Jackson was "unlawfully and willfully did appear intoxicated in a public place, the parking lot, Stratford Arms Apartments" on South Charles Boulevard on January 10, 2010 and "was disruptive in that the defendant did curse, shout at and rudely insult others."

We have no footage, but it had to look a bit like this:

Davis gets a disorderly and drunk (two points, one each,) but Jackson gets the full treatment of "being intoxicated and disruptive, resisting public officer, consuming alcohol by someone under 21, driving after consuming under the age of 21, and DWI." One point for each charge in the case gets seven points for ECU, which sounds like a lot until a Washington State player stages a three day standoff with ATF agents after his meth factory is raided and all hell breaks loose.

*Not at all.

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Comments

Theme music? THEME MUSIC!!

(This is our year, baby. Warren Norman and Zac Stacy have been training up, and will be running an embezzlement ring and shorting derivatives from the patio at SATCO by April. Minimum security means maximum points!!)

by Vandy J on Jan 14, 2010 12:30 PM EST reply actions

Being blind drunk in Minnesota in January is the only way to cope, sure

Yup.

Iowa’s stranglehold on the Fulmer Cup Big Televen Title is coming to an end. Minnesota’s clearly been ramping up for this year in the offseason with 4 arrests (2 assaults) during the football season.

by WhiteSpeedReceiver on Jan 14, 2010 12:32 PM EST reply actions

Put the Horns on the board.

http://www.kvue.com/news/local/Texas-football-player-arrested-81514527.html

http://www.statesman.com/blogs/content/shared-gen/blogs/austin/blotter/entries/2010/01/14/ut_receiver_buckner_arrested_i.html

by Jim on Jan 14, 2010 12:34 PM EST reply actions

I guess I will be mindfull of my manners in the Carolinas.

‘Thunder Muscle’ eh?

by tzubear on Jan 14, 2010 12:35 PM EST reply actions

Speaking of the Carolinas, Skip Holtz is the new coach of USF (according to the Orlando Sentinel).

by hobeg8r on Jan 14, 2010 12:38 PM EST reply actions

Justin Doe broke the provisions of his plea agreement. Does that count?

by BurritoBrosShits on Jan 14, 2010 12:40 PM EST reply actions

No. Old charges with new implications.

by Orson Swindle on Jan 14, 2010 12:41 PM EST up reply actions

Ah… cracking the seal on Fulmer Cup 2010.

Now it feels like the off season.

by CincySooner on Jan 14, 2010 12:41 PM EST reply actions

Everyone and their brother reporting Skip Holtz heading to USF. I am happy.

MIKE LEACH FOR EAST CAROLINA YARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

by JD on Jan 14, 2010 12:44 PM EST reply actions

Some points have already been scored by Texas too, their WR Dan Buckner:
ONSITE RESIST ARREST SEARCH OR TRANSPORT
TRN/TRS: 9127709965-A001 01/14/2010 – Held $5000.00
ONSITE CRIMINAL TRESPASS
TRN/TRS: 9127709965-A002

by AgSGT on Jan 14, 2010 12:51 PM EST reply actions

Come on… Shady deserves a bonus point for his name!

If you aren’t “drunk and disorderly” at Stratford Arms Apartments in Greenville, NC, you really have no business being there.

by GamecockTony on Jan 14, 2010 12:51 PM EST reply actions

If the rumors aren’t true, Mike Leach is currently planning a mutiny to make them true.

by wfguiteau on Jan 14, 2010 12:52 PM EST reply actions

What happens if a coached gets charge with a crime in the off season. Are points awarded in the same fashion?

by Kevin@LSU on Jan 14, 2010 1:03 PM EST reply actions

Slight correction, Orson. Being blind drunk is indeed the only way to cope with Minnesota in January, but you forgot to add that there’s always the option to do it a) at your local watering hole/sports bar/comfort of your own Barcalounger or b) in a shack on a frozen lake. Adding the possibility of death by drowining, hypothermia or alcohol poisoning, or a combination of all three, enhances the pleasure of intoxication by a factor of 2.57.

by Go Big Rev on Jan 14, 2010 1:07 PM EST reply actions

I guess the Gators should consider themselves fortunate that Dustin Doe’s arrest warrant for failing to fulfill his community service was issued on January 5.

by TLH Gator on Jan 14, 2010 1:13 PM EST reply actions

Wow, had tears from that video. Favorite quote “I have the strength of Zeus if he fucked a hippopotamus”. You need to make that one a recurring theme somehow, Orson.

by doc on Jan 14, 2010 1:19 PM EST reply actions

So Long SKIP, Hello Howard Schnellenberger.

Go Pirates!!!

by PirateGurl on Jan 14, 2010 1:21 PM EST reply actions

Is Fulmer holding that donut with the Force?

I could so see Phil-bert being a Sith Lord.

Or the Death Star itself

by Jojo on Jan 14, 2010 1:21 PM EST reply actions

And Boston College is heard from:

http://www.boston.com/sports/colleges/football/articles/2010/01/14/bc_linebacker_legrande_faces_dui_charge_in_new_york/

by SC_Eer on Jan 14, 2010 1:24 PM EST reply actions

Notre Dame’s wide receiver is willing to get in a fight with a Somalian, and our fans are worried about Lane fucking Kiffin.

I’m sure ND ResLife is handling this situation quietly and with appropriate restraint…which means that the guillotine is being sharpened on South Quad as we speak.

by Ancient Chinese Secret on Jan 14, 2010 1:38 PM EST reply actions

I suppose I’ll have to go with Skip Town now. It also honors the coach for what he’s doing after his players got drunk and stupid.

by Leavitt Town now Skip Town on Jan 14, 2010 1:39 PM EST reply actions

And from hence forth, Leavitt Town will be known to all as Skip Town, until the fabled day when Tampa finally stops running and embraces Sir Ron Prince.

by cantcatchuf on Jan 14, 2010 1:52 PM EST reply actions

Hopefully Spurrier wont cover up any charges this offseason like the last.

SC deserves a Fulmer Cup

by DrB on Jan 14, 2010 1:53 PM EST reply actions

It doesn’t seem fair that non-bowl teams, whose seasons ended in November, should be held out of the Fulmer Cup action until after the national title game. After all, their offseason has not only begun, but has begun just as other teams are getting their reward for playing well and beating the non-bowl teams’ sorry asses. Maybe there should be a special award for these non-contenders leading up to the start of the season. Maybe a Junior Varsity Fulmer Cup, from the last regular-season game to the BCS title game, and only including those teams not selected for bowl games.

Think about it this way: those non-bowl teams have already begun to feel the offseason ennui and, in December, have resorted to all the drunk-driving, petty larceny, and sheep-shagging necessary to weather the brutal non-football months, and have already gotten some of it out of their systems by January. This just gives more of an edge to the bowl teams, right out of the gate.

Please, Orson, don’t make the Fulmer Cup like the BCS. Viva los perdidors!

by Cat on Jan 14, 2010 1:57 PM EST reply actions

my vote for the theme song….Lawyers, Guns And Money by Warren Zevon

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S5puAN1PGQw

never take vacations!!

by BoKno on Jan 14, 2010 2:02 PM EST reply actions

and while we are on the subject of crime, getting probation for armed robbery, even with a pellet gun, is bullshit

http://sports.espn.go.com/ncf/news/story?id=4825976

by BoKno on Jan 14, 2010 2:09 PM EST reply actions

I go with BoKno

Lawyers, Guns, and Money

“Well, I went home with the waitress the way I always do.
How was I to know she was with the Russians too?”

by SC_Eer on Jan 14, 2010 2:16 PM EST reply actions

What GamcockTony said…Shady seems like a point-warranting name.

by ohiodawg on Jan 14, 2010 2:18 PM EST reply actions

I think Cat has a good point. I think teams that don’t make a bowl game should get a jump on the Fulmer Cup. Each team ends their season at a different time. Just like the beginning of the season starts at a different time. Some teams play on Thursday and some on Saturday a few on Monday. Think of the non-bowl teams as playing on Tuesday, the early bowls on Thursday and the rest on Saturday. They all get a long time to accumulate valuable points. Just some will get an extra month to practice their mischief without being overwhelmed by their more successful counterparts.

by Crabapple Buck on Jan 14, 2010 2:45 PM EST reply actions

As is the case for the regular season, the preseason rankings may have been shot to hell after the first weekend of competition.

http://www.miamihawktalk.com/home/news/story/2010_fulmer_cup_preview/

by DevilGrad on Jan 14, 2010 2:49 PM EST reply actions

Go Cougs!

by dgdawg on Jan 14, 2010 4:49 PM EST reply actions

Wooooooooo early lead bitches. And they say Notre Dame players don’t have speed.

That being said, holy fuck do I hope ResLife (ND’s gestapo arm essentially) doesn’t feel like expressing their authority in their 1st run in w/ a football player under Kelly.

by NDEddieMac on Jan 14, 2010 5:10 PM EST reply actions

Wooooooooo early lead bitches.

Yeah, that lead lasted exactly……..3 WHOLE PARAGRAPHS!

by Brian O'Blivion on Jan 14, 2010 6:01 PM EST reply actions

CMU just hired an assistant from MSU. That has to make them the top contender in the MAC and potential dark horse for the Fulmer Cup title.

by Captain Kirk on Jan 14, 2010 6:37 PM EST reply actions

As with everything @33, as an ND fan I’m obligated to overblow minor short lived victories. It’s in the handbook.

by NDEddieMac on Jan 14, 2010 6:44 PM EST reply actions

Orson, no one calls it Mogadishu. It’s to be referred to as “The Mog”.

HT: Blackhawk Down
(Hollywood movies are always factually accurate)

by MrRedDevil on Jan 14, 2010 10:20 PM EST reply actions

Whoo! Irish points! Clearly Kelly’s already giving the team some Irish swagger.

by Mike on Jan 15, 2010 1:02 AM EST reply actions

OK what is the over/under of UGAy being on top of the heap this year????

NO DC in site, I can see it getting ugly or is the more freakin ugly then what it usually is in Athens quickly…

by MrGreggo on Jan 15, 2010 8:12 AM EST reply actions

USF won the 2009 Cup without Michigan State even on the board? Conspiracy! Shenanigans! Travesty! How can we live in a land where nine players charged with assault (possibly of women, for the bonus point), battery, and conspiracy to commit said assault and battery cannot somehow tie or exceed the Bulls’ 18 points?

If, however, all the plea agreements and convictions translates to an overpowering MSU lead in the 2010 Fulmer Cup, then consider my objections moot.

by Ein on Jan 15, 2010 10:50 AM EST reply actions