THE LANE KIFFIN USC PRESS CONFERENCE
by Orson on Jan 13, 2010 11:55 AM EST
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SCENE: Los Angeles, CA. The USC Campus. A room of reporters wait for Lane Kiffin. AD MIKE GARRETT paces nervously in the background. An AIDE waits with him.
Aide: What do you want me to do?
Garrett: Stall. Just stall them a little longer. I'll get to the bottom of this. Just tell them Orgeron bit a raccoon and they're cutting his head off to see if he's rabid or something.
Aide: Orgeron's head, sir?
Garrett: Wouldn't be the first time. Whatever. Just keep them busy 'till I figure this out.
GARRETT runs to the corner to take a hurried call. Reporters notice a colleague looking at a laptop. The reporter begins pointing to his laptop frantically. They huddle.
Aide: Sir, the reporters are--
Reporter: IT'S STARTING!!!!
Reporter two: Oh god--
Garrett: Wait, he's not even here, and I can't get him on a HOLY MULEFUCKING SHIT.
The ESPN News online feed shifts, comes into focus. ALL GASP.
Mumbling very quickly, Lane Kiffin begins addressing the crowd of reporters assembled in a conference room at South Carolina.
Garett: Oh, you have to be fucking kidding me.
Lane Kiffin: Hello, everyone. It's an exciting time to be a Gamecock, that's for sure. I can promise you a few things. I can promise that you'll be real excited about this program. I can't wait to run out of the tunnel to 2010. I can't wait to beat Furman in Death Valley. I can't wait to take shirtless pictures of our players oiled up and wearing chains in front of a--
Examines the colors of the backdrop behind him.
--red and black sports car of some make and model. I can't wait to bring the passion and excitement our staff brings with us wherever you go. Here's my wife. She has tits.
Garrett: Oh god. He's at USC. The other one.
Aide: Why hasn't anyone told them they're in South Carolina? And that there's already a coach there?
On the screen, KIFFIN continues.
Kiffin: And now, I'd like to introduce assistant head coach and recruiting coordinator Ed Orgeron.
Garrett: That's why.
ED FUCKING ORGERON steps shirtless to the mike. He holds a rooster in his hand. The rooster has a Glock strapped to either leg with duct tape.
Orgeron: DISSANEW MASCOT ANNA NEW FIGHTSONG! LEARNIT ANNA LOVEITAH!!!
REPORTERS die from pleasure.
Garrett: Someone get me a seven million dollar check and Jon Gruden's phone number.
Aide: Seriously, where the hell is Spurrier?
Augusta National, 11th hole. STEVE SPURRIER is having a pastoral moment.
His phone rings.
Spurrier: clears throat Ballcoach here.
Assistant: Coach, Lane Kiffin's here to take your job. Says he's been named new head coach.
Spurrier: Really?
Assistant: Yeah. You gonna do something about that?
Spurrier: ...
Assistant: ....
Spurrier: ....
Assistant: Well?
CALL ENDED.
FIN
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Does the rooster drive a Prius out onto the field?
by SafetyDan on Jan 13, 2010 11:58 AM EST reply actions
For some reason I just want to believe that Spurrier answers the phone with a throat-clear and “Ballcoach here…”
by Dog Brewer on Jan 13, 2010 12:04 PM EST reply actions
@ 3
That’s the only way he answers the phone. I assume this to be a fact.
by Kevin@LSU on Jan 13, 2010 12:06 PM EST reply actions
That brings the list of people who would rather play Augusta National than coach S. Carolina to 15,299,319
by Ryno on Jan 13, 2010 12:06 PM EST reply actions
is spurrier no longer ending his calls with “click clack?”
by okiedomer on Jan 13, 2010 12:06 PM EST reply actions
Why on God’s green earth have we as a people failed up to this point to post a picture of Lane and Layla Kiffin on http://www.hotchickswithdouchebags.com/ ? This is an injustice that must be rectified.
by StillHateZook on Jan 13, 2010 12:06 PM EST reply actions
Seriously, this is the kind of COMEDY PLATINUM BOOBS MADE OUT OF DIAMONDS I knew we’d be getting the minute I first saw the Joe Schad tweet. Your reaction speed is quite impressive. +4 DEX, +6 vs Douchebags.
…I’ll show myself out…
by Vandy J on Jan 13, 2010 12:06 PM EST reply actions
Absolutely brilliant. And after yesterday, no one would put this exact scenario past Kiffykins.
by JD on Jan 13, 2010 12:07 PM EST reply actions
So, How exactly Ty Willingham fit into this story?
by Uncle Rico on Jan 13, 2010 12:09 PM EST reply actions
Orson, I’ve gotten a lot of amusement out of your genius over the past year. But I just laughed till I cried.
by commodore_dude on Jan 13, 2010 12:11 PM EST reply actions
Gene wojciechowsk reporting on ESPN Insiders that the board is in talks to Fulmer to be either AD or Head Coach
this was taken from a message board so I assume it to be true.
if that happens.. I’m out. Done.
by bigthirsty on Jan 13, 2010 12:13 PM EST reply actions
Orgeron in southern California needs to be a reality show.
by RamGodisStrong on Jan 13, 2010 12:18 PM EST reply actions
The man will never have to pump his own gas again.
by She Blinded Me With Violence on Jan 13, 2010 12:22 PM EST reply actions
@14:
He should be Paris Hilton’s new BFF.
by commodore_dude on Jan 13, 2010 12:22 PM EST reply actions
You know how I knew this wasn’t real?
Spurrier didn’t end the call with “Yeeeahhh….clickclack.”
by PeteJayhawk on Jan 13, 2010 12:27 PM EST reply actions
The brilliance is in the total plausibility.
by Bobby Decatur on Jan 13, 2010 12:47 PM EST reply actions
Oh my God, if South Carolina starts using that rooster’s song as Virgina Tech uses “Enter Sandman”, there’s no stopping them. Ever again.
by Danny Wuerffel's Helmet on Jan 13, 2010 12:52 PM EST reply actions
Please dear God let Kiffin get robbed by three angry Tennessee players.
by Tew on Jan 13, 2010 12:55 PM EST reply actions
Beano Cook has just predicted
USC vs Ohio State
BCS MNC Game
not sure which USC (east or west) he meant, though
by The iPhoniac on Jan 13, 2010 1:02 PM EST reply actions
head ball coach… yeah I told you he could go…
by NittanyJackets on Jan 13, 2010 1:05 PM EST reply actions
Huffington Post FTW.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/01/13/layla-kiffin-picture-phot_n_421647.html
by Brian on Jan 13, 2010 1:12 PM EST reply actions
I bet all those people “rioting” outside the Athletic Complex in Knoxville were the perfect diversion for Petrino to sneak in the back door.
by ronald on Jan 13, 2010 1:16 PM EST reply actions
The perfect ending to all of this, you realize, has Leach coming to Tennessee and Georgia hiring Yaw Yaw Kines as D coordinator.
by ronald on Jan 13, 2010 1:21 PM EST reply actions
The real reason Kiffin left was Layla grew tired of shopping at CATO and having lunches with the girls at Buffalo Wild Wings.
by Touchdown74 on Jan 13, 2010 2:07 PM EST reply actions
@ 3 & 4
If he doesn’t than I sure am going to start answering my phone that way…
by Philip on Jan 13, 2010 4:20 PM EST reply actions
Ron Prince has reportedly expressed interest in the Tennessee job.
by the_white_tiger on Jan 13, 2010 4:21 PM EST reply actions
Really nice. Many thanks and please, please, please let it by Leach with Kines as DC. If just for the press conferences
by PeayHog on Jan 13, 2010 4:41 PM EST reply actions
Same thing happened to Jim Valvano when he showed up at Greenville, SC for a booster lunch. Honest mistake.
by Herb on Jan 13, 2010 4:44 PM EST reply actions
RichRod to Tennessee. Greg Robinson to take over at UM.
Heard it here first!
by ReadingRambler on Jan 13, 2010 5:06 PM EST reply actions
I’m still laughing ten minutes after reading that.
Had I read this on a spring day, I would have been cleaning Pepsi off my screen. Unfortunately it’s cold and flu season, so I’m having to do my best impression of a lab tech from CSI.
by sevenDs on Jan 13, 2010 5:18 PM EST reply actions
Come to the USC of the East and major in Petroleum infrastructure management. Gas don’t pump itself!
by 4wholefriedchickensandacoke on Jan 13, 2010 6:29 PM EST reply actions
There’s no question Layla would be gone the minute Kiffy got fired and stopped bringing in money. She is basically Ricky Bobby’s wife. “I am a DRIVER’S wife. I. DON’T. WORK.”
by JD on Jan 13, 2010 7:04 PM EST reply actions
As a rabid Oregon Ducks fan, the only thing that worries me about Lane Kiffin at U$C is Monte Kiffin at U$C.
by Matt on Jan 13, 2010 9:28 PM EST reply actions
It shouldn’t…because he cant defend the spread.
by Dee Jay on Jan 14, 2010 12:16 AM EST reply actions
Layla Kiffin, UF graduate and daughter of one John Reaves.
by Penis MacGuiver on Jan 14, 2010 3:17 AM EST reply actions
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