SCENE: Los Angeles, CA. The USC Campus. A room of reporters wait for Lane Kiffin. AD MIKE GARRETT paces nervously in the background. An AIDE waits with him.
Aide: What do you want me to do?
Garrett: Stall. Just stall them a little longer. I'll get to the bottom of this. Just tell them Orgeron bit a raccoon and they're cutting his head off to see if he's rabid or something.
Aide: Orgeron's head, sir?
Garrett: Wouldn't be the first time. Whatever. Just keep them busy 'till I figure this out.
GARRETT runs to the corner to take a hurried call. Reporters notice a colleague looking at a laptop. The reporter begins pointing to his laptop frantically. They huddle.
Aide: Sir, the reporters are--
Reporter: IT'S STARTING!!!!
Reporter two: Oh god--
Garrett: Wait, he's not even here, and I can't get him on a HOLY MULEFUCKING SHIT.
The ESPN News online feed shifts, comes into focus. ALL GASP.
Mumbling very quickly, Lane Kiffin begins addressing the crowd of reporters assembled in a conference room at South Carolina.
Garett: Oh, you have to be fucking kidding me.
Lane Kiffin: Hello, everyone. It's an exciting time to be a Gamecock, that's for sure. I can promise you a few things. I can promise that you'll be real excited about this program. I can't wait to run out of the tunnel to 2010. I can't wait to beat Furman in Death Valley. I can't wait to take shirtless pictures of our players oiled up and wearing chains in front of a--
Examines the colors of the backdrop behind him.
--red and black sports car of some make and model. I can't wait to bring the passion and excitement our staff brings with us wherever you go. Here's my wife. She has tits.
Garrett: Oh god. He's at USC. The other one.
Aide: Why hasn't anyone told them they're in South Carolina? And that there's already a coach there?
On the screen, KIFFIN continues.
Kiffin: And now, I'd like to introduce assistant head coach and recruiting coordinator Ed Orgeron.
Garrett: That's why.
ED FUCKING ORGERON steps shirtless to the mike. He holds a rooster in his hand. The rooster has a Glock strapped to either leg with duct tape.
Orgeron: DISSANEW MASCOT ANNA NEW FIGHTSONG! LEARNIT ANNA LOVEITAH!!!
REPORTERS die from pleasure.
Garrett: Someone get me a seven million dollar check and Jon Gruden's phone number.
Aide: Seriously, where the hell is Spurrier?
Augusta National, 11th hole. STEVE SPURRIER is having a pastoral moment.
His phone rings.
Spurrier: clears throat Ballcoach here.
Assistant: Coach, Lane Kiffin's here to take your job. Says he's been named new head coach.
Assistant: Yeah. You gonna do something about that?