LANE KIFFIN TO USC UNIVERSAL LITERACY VERSION

Let me be the first to say it: Bob Stoops to Tennessee.

Tommy Bowden, you have a bright orange call on line 1…

I think I speak for a lot of people when I say,

“Whhaaaaaa??”

Patterson will be announced quickly:

http://loserswithsocks.com/2010/01/12/giant-play-sheet-fedexd-to-knoxville-patterson-in-orange-by-wednesday-am/

Sometimes, you wish you could make shit like this up.
http://s3.amazonaws.com/twitpic/photos/full/56881632.jpg?AWSAccessKeyId=0ZRYP5X5F6FSMBCCSE82&Expires=1263350282&Signature=9IoMVIId0mi2va%2BAGQgU2wqkuTI%3D

Are you fisting me! Not sure if this is good or bad for Cal.

College Blogville just won the bloody lottery. Congatulations all.

You can’t die of schadenfreude poisoning, can you?

Can you?

Screw it, it’s worth it…

I am shocked, shocked that Kiffin would leave his current job so quickly and so close to Signing Day.

100 cocktails, Vandy J!

Seriously, Danielle Steel couldn’t write this shit!

How do you say “Stick ’em Up!” in Spanish?

Reminds me of that old Keith Richards song, “gotta walk before they make me run”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PuQq5Nreox0

Leach to UT.

Leach to UT.

Leach to UT.

Oh Lord please, send Mike Leach to UT.

ESPN just showed Urb at the basketball game checking his text messages. He was smiling.

Tommy? What about Bobby?

Suck it, haters!

dammit

Can’t help but feel like we dodged a bullet. He recruited like crazy and made Crompton actually kinda work for a second there.

@12: I’m with you. Oh all-knowing and benevolent COTG, make it so!

@16. And he also screwed around talking shit and acting like a buffoon. His dad scared me more than him.

On the bright side:

Layla Kiffin gets exposure in the nation’s second largest television market.

“Phil Fulmer, line 1 Mr. Hamilton…”

This rips my soul in two. On one hand, TN can catch AIDS. Its that puke inside of a pumpkin orange, and I’m not a dog person. Kiffykins is a fucking prick with a resume limited to moral victories and the genetic lottery. But, the court jester is gone and, as much as it stings to admit, I’m going to miss the little bastard.

I’m convinced that the only remedy is the Dread Pirate Leach sailing into Knoxville. Someone has to entertain us in the offseason. Yar.

I, for one, think Ron Prince would look absolutely stunning in bright orange.

Quick, schedule a home and home with USC. Free wins!

It’s as if USC wanted to piss the NCAA off even more.

1. -

I’m surprised Urban wasn’t sitting in the dark waiting to hear the gunshots. Although I bet the mother of all ROFLcopters just landed at the O-Dome about 45 minutes ago.

The most insane thing of all is that this is only the beginning. Given the parallel universe we have now entered, the Leach to UT thing is legitimately not all that far fetched.

20-

Mike Hamilton is busy right now. Busy talking to Steve Addazio.

Oh and, remember SMU? SMU was under sanctions, was caught cheating and given the death penalty. USC is about to go under sanctions for the Carroll era, so they hire “Walking Recruiting Violation” Kiffin. Anyone else see where this is going (and love it)?

@6 – if he does for USC what he did for the Raiders and Vols, I’d say buy your Rose Bowl tickets now. Seven NCAA referrals and a felony in less than a calendar year? Especially when the felony involves a getaway Prius? And now that the NCAA is breathing down the neck of the Trojans?

This will be the circus, Wrestlemania, the Hindenburg, Bonnaroo and a rustler’s hanging, all rolled into one.

Beauregard! Fetch my finest champagne and kettle corn, and gas up the Duesenberg!

The Volunteer Navy demands its Pirate Lord.

@29: Yar! There be plenty of booty for the plunderin’ in Knoxville!

Too soon?

Considering Herm Edwards was in the running, this is a big win for the University of Spoiled Children.

I love to coach…da football…because I’m Kiffykins Kiffykins Kiffykins Kiffykins…

Sorry, I still love that psychotic shit (and can’t find the YouTube right now).

Two of the SEC’s flagship programs have, at this moment, Kippy Brown and Steve Addazio at their respective helms.

Somewhere, Joker Phillips, without even a hint of doubt, is making hotel reservations in Atlanta.

Kiffin, a huge dick, is a perfect fit for the Trojans.

No one expects the Kiffinquisition!

Can you imagine over 100,000 power towels? Once Mr. Prince gets back from the tanning bed, he’ll have an offer in hand.

Goodbye Kiffy.

YES YES YES BRING IT KIFFYKINS!!!

@35 – 100 cocktails, less the cost of replacing my laptop.

I wonder if UT burned the bridge with Dave Clawson? Also, has anyone contacted Little Wayans to see how he feels about this?

baaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahahahahaha Kiffykins fucked em over and Fulmer rocks back in his recliner, grabs a donut, and cracks open a beer to watch the fallout

USC to win SECE

It’s like going from Prime Minister of Khazakhstan to becoming the Sultan of Brunei

Lets get Layla Kiffin a USC song girl outfit.

It’s like a friend of mine just said – “I almost feel sorry for Tennessee”. Key word here – “almost”. What next, Spurrier to retire? At this point, anything is possible.

Kiffykins couldn’t remain in Knoxville, not without the promise of a visit from his one true love, Urban Meyer.

He just couldn’t go on. Addazio just isn’t the same.

Yossarian @ 12 Please no! I’m enjoying the schadenfreude far too much to have it ruined by that. I would really hate to hate Leach.

This is really simple math…with the early departures from USC, USC just had more cap room

Just now on Kiffin’s press conference: “I’m a supreme douschbag, so it is only fitting I go to USC. Thanks for your support.”

Has someone taken the sharp objects away from Holly?

kiffin’s presser was great….he looked like a 7 year old in trouble and trying to weasel out of it to the principal

But what will become of my sweet Layla?

Did Kiffin have time to meet privately with each of the Vol hostesses before he announced his decision?

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Can it get any better for an Alabama fan right now? We got a team that can play with anybody, led by a ruthless coach. Dawgs can’t blast Smart out of Tuscaloosa. Turns out Urban’s actually human (actually hope he comes back, need a good rival). Now the Vols losing their one-year coach to the mighty, but possibly soon to be crippled Trojans is icing on the cake. Kiffen was entertaining (in a “what an idiot” kind of way), but his dad was scary. Thank you sweet baby Jesus. Good luck with Coach Prince Tennessee.

48-

Nope, here’s how Kiffin opens his first USC press-conference:

“I’m looking forward to singing Rocky Top all night long at Stan-oh…wait…fuck.”

I think it’s safe to say that everyone in the SEC hates Lane Kiffin now.

Someone get Urban an EKG, his pulse has quickened dangerously in excitement and glee.

Well at least at U$C kifffies recruiting issues will be swept under the NCAA rug.

I’m calling Tommy Tuberville to Auburn and the Houston Coach Kevin Sumlin to Texas Tech.

THIS JUST IN…

Rich Brooks to Tennessee.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1J_CmSi6CVI

I just don’t understand. With the NCAA looming, the job would still be available once the smoke clears and the replacement muddles through for a few years. Al Davis was right. Amazing. Screwing over a pro-team is one thing, this guy doesn’t seem to understand that he just screwed over all his players and recruits, not to mention a program that gave him a shot when he’s demonstrated no consistent ability to win or build a program. Zero. There’s hundreds of assistant coaches who have toiled away for peanuts without the right last name and would never completely shit on the sport the way this guy has.

Oh, and I believe Orson just beat his bet about having to eat cheese by a whole 2 years. Congrats to your intestines, O!

@44- BamaTaxMan-
You just talking to brian whitehead?

Mwaaaahahaahahaha! This is too easy…..Which of my clients shall I install at Tennessee that will create another opening?

Huston Nutt? No, but I’ll shake more money out of Ole Miss to keep him. David Cutcliffe? Has a certain symmetry to it…..Will Muschamp? Maybe, but he wouldn’t create a new HC opening. (makes note – get Texas to pay Will $100k bonus to take his name out of the running). Butch Davis? Throwing his name in wll get him an extension from the silly bluebloods.

It’s going to be another banner year! (makes note to call his boat broker in the morning and put down deposit on 70’ Hatteras)

L. Keezy done gon’ all Hollywood on us and how soon will he send The Song Girls out for recruiting trips like those 2 broads reppin’ UT at games?

I could see any of the following having their phones ring tonight by the Vols: Tommy, Terry, or, Bobby Bowden (even if it’s just for a year to get some of those wins back from the NCAA ruling), Mike Leach, Ron Prince, Lloyd Carr, Al Groh, Rich Brooks, former Bethune-Cookman hc Alvin Wyatt (If you knew how slick the man dressed on the sideline, you’d give him a shot, too), and Tyrone Willingham.

Lost in all this is the fact that THE ORGERON will be in Los Angeles. This is apocalyptic enough to make me think that Kurt Russell is about to activate the Sword of Damocles and send us back to the dark ages

Kiffykins is in for a shock. Everyone knows USC recruits won’t settle for a Prius.

Never beat Florida. Has that in common with Peyton Manning.

WOW. I can’t pick my jaw up. Wow.

Petrino? No one has said it yet?

I guess Tuesday nights aren’t electricity nights in Arkansas…

He is who we thought he was …… a dick!

-Notre Dame hires a coach from the little forgotten school of Cincinnati.
-Leach, Mangino, and Leavitt, all the best (or only) coaches their schools have ever known, are fired.
-Urban retires
-Urban unretires less than 24 hours later
-Pete Carrol leaves USC
-Kiffin jumps ship for USC

This is no longer a coaching carousel, but a roller coaster, and I cannot wait for the next plunge.

The Reaper -

Petrino? Are you kidding? Kiffykins just made him look like fucking Joe Paterno.

and Norm Chow?!

 http://www.sbnation.com/2010/1/12/1248532/lane-kiffin-usc-coach-norm-chow-ucla

Here’s how it’ll go down:

-Patterson to Tennessee
-Muschamp squeezes in at Florida State
-Texas joins the Big Ten
-Texas A&M joins the SEC
-Arkansas and TCU join the Big 12
-Ty Willingham goes to TCU
-Fulmer takes over at Lubbock Christian and makes them the Miami of the 2010s

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kKlDnF-Y3IU&feature=player_embedded

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kKlDnF-Y3IU

This guy is gold. Those 2 up there are duplicates. my bad.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aYAsxnRaTAg

I don’t know if anyone here caught it, but apparently at the Florida-Kentucky game the cameras spied Urban Meyer looking at his text messages and suddenly getting a veeeeeerrrrry smug grin on his face

Reports of tear gas being dispersed on the students rioting on ol’ Rocky Top.

OOOHHH rocky top you’ll be hooo cough cough weeze weeze to me cough

Renaldo Woolridge is live-tweeting the riot: http://twitter.com/Swiperboy

KNOXVILLE, Tenn. (AP) — Gary Barnett has parachuted into the administration building and, according to intermediaries, is not leaving without a head coaching job. Various members of student government have secured an underground location to communicate with outside media via Twitter and house Barnett overnight.

Mike Leach

Apparently there is a riot going on at the campus in Knoxville and police have deployed tear gas and fie trucks are supposedly involved in some way.

Ed Orgeron supposedly told some of the early enrollees not to go to class so they could un-enroll and begin applying to USC.

I think it’s clearly karma coming to bite us in the ass for firing Fulmer like we did. Yesterday I was talking about how fucked SC was and how we could maybe get some of their good recruits. Woops.

Holly, the silence is deafening.

Da Coach O is going for his own reasons…he got bit by the Hollywood bug after doing “The Blind Side.” Now he’s looking for a good script (preferably one with Sandra Bullock, if she goes blonde again).

lost in all this is poor baby knox who had just gotten used to his name..

Keibler, Vols – LOL heheheheahahaaaaa………….

Holly is probably to busy rioting to comment right now.

honestly… if we liked it we should have put a ring on it. True words Beyonce.. true words..

Video of the students setting a mattress on fire outside the athletic facility.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HFInKcBYud4

Oh. My. God.
Best take so far was from doc saturday –
“Congratulations UT, you’re BGSU,” or similar.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_zKkcfq3gec

THIS IS ALL PART OF THE PLAN

@94 “It’s not about money, it’s about sending a message….”

I’m high as fuck and this is amazing

I see what neutered smokey@52 is getting at…but Kiffykins didn’t remind me of a 7-year-old nearly so much as a glib entitled frat-boy with a loserish streak who isn’t a tenth as smart and able as he thinks he is.

(Had more than one such wander in to my office this week, all wearing the uniform of the fratbot…which in this weather is inevitably completed with a The North Face coat/jacket/fleece to go with the same-branded backpack.)

P.S. We all know only one man can stop the riots…only one man can bring order and peace and harmony back to the suffering citizens of Knoxville…only one man is PRINCE enough! Bring him on!

What do we think of these hires? Pill – Trap goin’ ham…beyeotches!

WTF!?! I come home, I get high, turn on the computer and Lane, Monte, the Orgeron and Norm Chow are now coaching SC. Maybe we’ll be like those mid – 70’s Sooners teams that won half MNC’s because they were on probation all the time. This should be more of a circus than Kobe and Shaq. I like the circus.

http://sportscrack.blogspot.com/2010/01/urban-meyer-reacts-to-lane-kiffin-news.html

looks like the look of a man who knows he’s got the best job in america, and gainesville ain’t a bad place to get to hang out and coach some good old southeastern conference ballgames. tennessee, cincinnati, utah, stepping stone programs. enjoy your mediocrity. urban shall.

Suddenly I don’t care that we didn’t get Kirby Smart.

Leach dammit! I want to see The Pirate pull alongside the Vol Navy on gameday and unleash all the cannons and take their wenches.

Seriously, he would be pretty damned entertaining, if nothing else.

Two things I still have to get off my chest.

1) Try as I might, I can’t make any sense out of the word sequence “trap going ham”.

2) I sure wish ace reporter Scoops Callahan had been able to get a question in at Kiffin’s presser.

AJC has Vol recruits from Georgia heading for the hills (not the Smokies), or maybe for LA. One wants to talk to his daddy. Bad time for a total recruiting reboot.

Over at RockyTopTalk, a commenter sums up the mood in Knoxville: “Kiffin Delenda Est.” That would look downright Ivy League painted on a burning mattress.

Dream Season:

Alabama go undefeated, Check.

Alabama humiliate Florida, Check.

Alabama win the Heisman, Check.

Auburn look pathetic on the year and play in a nothing bowl, Check.

Alabama win the National Championship, Check.

Florida loses multiple star players to the NFL and graduation, Check.

Florida has leadership issues, Check.

The Tennessee program in shambles, Check.

God, it is great to be an alumnus of The University of Alabama.

Everyone else aside from Ole Miss and Arkansas looks pathetic. Can you say Alabama 2010 National Champions?

Hey SEC we’re gonna beat the Hell out of you. Rammer Jammer Yellowhammer, Give em Hell Alabama!

Well this has clearly turned into the most exciting offseason I canever remember. Orson will surely not lack for quality content and for that I am grateful.

So the Vols do not lack for options in finding a quality head coach. Any of the options mentioned at Rocky Top Talk and others would be a great way to save face and get over this absolute clusterf—-

Here’s my thought: Assuming he’s willing to let bygones be bygones – why not restore the Pumpkin King to his rightful throne? He’s rested, ready, and has surely learned a thing or two from his time in exile. Most importantly, he bleeds orange, and UT needs someone to put a little luster back on that logo.

That or Leach. Oh my God the things you could do with Pre-Game. ENTIRE TEAM ENTERS STADIUM BY PIRATE SHIP!!! This. Must. Happen.

@ alex hamilton

January 14th, 2010
Nick Saban Leaves Alabama For Turkish Football League
Is reportedly paid 10,000,000 rubles, 600 young virgin girls, a HinD attack helicopter, and a goat
Saban: “I’ve always dreamed of the challenge of coaching the Fightin’ Falafel in the TFL. I guarantee in 3 years we’ll hoist the Vince Mohammed Al-bin S’dnbardi trophy over our heads. Allahu akbar!!”

Could the world handle the sheer awesomeness of Bruce Pearl and Mike Leach leading the same university? Maybe the Mayans really did know something about the apocalypse.

@106

Dream TWO DECADES

Florida wins most games since 1990 (202), Check

Florida has highest Win % since 1990 (79.216%), Check

Florida wins most MNCs since 1990 (3-tie Nebraska), Check

Florida wins most SEC Championships since 1990 (8), Check

Florida has winning record in last 20 years against FSU, UT, Georgia, LSU, Alabama, and even Auburn, Check

Florida has 2 Heisman winners, Check

It ain’t too bad to be an Alumnus from the University of Florida.

Yeah I know, we can play this game back to when Harvard and Yale were the important teams in college football, point is, Alex, don’t be a douche.

We’re all here to celebrate the beauty of Kiffykins, and you turn this into a ’Bama rant. WTF???

“Hello, Mark McGuire here! I took steroids? Tearful confession? HELLO!!! Is this thing even on?

That’s what we do, North 2. That’s just what we do.

(John Coltrane song playing in the background)

This story had not broke when I left work and I was out all evening.

Needless to say, upon returning home at 11 pm, I am shocked. WOW! Not that it was an impossibility that USC would hire Kiffin, but still — a former assistant who spent only 1 year at another major program. And all done seemingly at lightening speed. Did Kiffikins hate the South that much?

So now the drama of the TN coaching hire.

Yeah, and the big ole UF was very relevant before Steve Spurrier. No doubt, the Ole Ball Coach is the greatest of my lifetime……..until Saban wins his fourth SEC title and third National Championship next season,,, and then they are tied.

A douche? Whatever. It seems that the Viles aren’t alone in their discontent and that you also have some sand in your mangina North Number 2.

Still fuming from that beatdown in Atlanta?

I’m sorry, I can’t continue to post. I am having chest pains….or is it dehydration?

CRISIS AVERTED!!!

I had a few moments to think it over, and, after careful deliberation with my family, I will take an eight month sabbatical and return to the site to post in August. Until then, I will ask some random bald guy to write my posts for me and guide my statements in a manner consistent with the goals I have for posting to EDSBS.

From Crompton to Compton in under 30sec, simply amazing.

@110

We’ve had to listen to you Gator people for…

“Florida wins most games since1990(202),CheckFlorida has highest Win % since 1990 (79.216%), CheckFloridawinsmost MNCs since1990(3-tie Nebraska),CheckFloridawins mostSECChampionshipssince1990…”

WAY TOO FUCKING LONG.

Eat a dick. Or just shut up. Shutting up would be cool.

lane kiffin has burned so much karma in this lifetime, he’s coming back as a dung beetle with dyslexia the next time around.

After picking up my jaw, “Leach” was my Rosebud whisper…it would fit this fiction perfectly.
As to WHY, I think #20 nailed it.

Seriously though, I hope they don’t get Leach. Offense is too good.

What’s Johnelle Smith doing these days?

@106 If Georgia State somehow rose up and beat Alabama next year (hey, Bill Curry’s done it before), 90 percent of the population of the Southeastern United States would die from pleasure on the spot.

Alex Hamilton – Posting about the aswesomeness of BAMA for a thread about Tenn on Florida blog at 2:30a on a Tuesday has many qualities of a douche.

However these actions are completely understandable, since any self-respecting Tide fan knows that you cruise Wal-Mart for babes on Wednesday.

@106,

FYI: bama fans said pretty much the same things to us verbatim in 92, 99, and 05; and each time we won the SEC the following year.

@104

the “trap” is the urban American slang term for an area where drug deals and women of poor morals can be found. Aka the ghetto or the ‘hood’. Hence if someone ‘be trappin’ then they are out working on a corner, if male, generally selling an illegal substance.

In this definition, ‘going ham’ is meant to mean crazy, insane, and/or excited. Basically spazzing out.

So when together, he is implying that the area where drug deals take place is in an excited state of general confusion. Or more succinctly, ‘trap goin ham’

I knew Alabama fans would be insufferable, but Jesus. Also, I just can’t stop smiling about this Kiffin thing. The only thing I know for sure about the SEC east next year is that Vandy will go 4-8 and finish last. Vandy: the most stable program in the SEC East.

Have a good job and not forced to live in Alabama, Check.

Looks like a great day to be an LSU alumnus!

didn’t know that kevorkian was in charge of hiring personnel at USC

Hamilton – Dennis Franchione and Mike Price just called to express their appreciation for your commentary. That means they liked it.

I hope everyone is beginning to understand why they should have rooted against Alabama in the NC game.

Boozy@124:

Thanks so much. My mind can rest easier now. It’s funny how just one little thing that a person can’t make sense of can keep buzzing buzzing buzzing back there in the recesses of one’s brain.

I must say that if ever Orson’s atrocious taste in music-type substances was entirely appropriate and came in handy, it was yesterday, when the Knox went ham and shit just got *un*real.

Sorry Alex- mentioning a guy who lost to Lousiana Monroe with Alabama in the same sentence as Urban or Spurrier is a no, no, Saban’s a good coach no doubt but at the moment he’s on the Fulmer level. (Oh, and its going to be funny watching Bama fans get all hyped up before realizing Urban’s going to be on the sidelines and Brantley’s going to make that weak secondary look like swiss cheese.)

Yeah, it ain’t about BAMA (or the Gators). I don’t know how we hide our secondary either.

But where are the TROJAN posters? That’s all I want to know.

“But where are the TROJAN posters? That’s all I want to know.”

At the beach.

There are no Trojan fans now. They are all busy being Laker fans. They’ll find out about Kiffin in September when the season starts up again.

Trojan fans are right here, dizzy with glee at the spittle-flinging indignation, indigestion, fury and HATE being disgorged. My fellow alumni and I, once we came to, decided Kiffen’s hiring fucking ROCKS. (Pardon the caps; I’m still buzzing.) Sure he’s a douche, but he’s our douche, and his utter lack of conscience will serve nicely when he’s throwing deep against ucla when we’re up by 30. Can he coach? Who the hell knows? His old man can and the Big O is to recruiting what Redbreast is to Irish whiskey.

Here’s what we do know: the guy’s a member of the family and he’s a got swagger we like. Could he be a total disaster? Hell yeah. But we’ve seen those before (see: Smith, Hackett et al). Whatever. Bring it, baby, and Fight On.

I am amused by the kiffster’s proving to all what everyone but UT faithful seemed to understand…that the kiffster is to college football what corrupt politicians are to elected positions…just do or say anything to obtain the desired results, or, for you bammer fans, the ends justify the means.

As for the bammers, enjoy…just make sure you clean up before going to bed…here’s a towel, now mop that stuff up before your mother comes home…no, I won’t tell her what you were doing with that thing…honest…