HARRY POTTER AND THE CAVE OF THE THREE TRIALS

HARRY POTTER and DUMBLEDORE approach the CAVE OF THE THREE CHALLENGES.

Potter: So, just into the cave then?

Dumbledore: Right. Just walk on in holding your wand.

Potter: Doesn't seem dodgy, sir? A pervy-looking old man just telling me to walk in holding my wand? Into a cave? I mean really, the ominous vaginal imagery here couldn't be more obvious without a whacking good rim of moss surrounding the entrance here.

Dumbledore: You must pass through the Cave of Three Challenges, Harry Potter. And I thought the beard gave me a fey but wizened dignity, actually.

Potter: /makes wanking motion.

Dumbledore: /rolls eyes

HARRY and DUMBLEDORE enter the cave.

Dumbledore: Harry, according to the scrolls of Nicholas Flamel, this cave contains three wizards you must best in combat. The first: Leavitt of Tampania!

LEAVITT OF TAMPANIA YELLS FROM ACROSS THE LAKE OF MINOR PLAYER DISCOMFORT.

Leavitt: Potter! Potter! Get over here and taste the alleged backhand of doom! It will possibly redden your face!

Potter: So, he's going to slap me?

Dumbledore: Yes. Or, well, possibly not. His power lies in possibly not slapping you or slapping you, but make no mistake, you will be disturbed by his sheer intensity.

Potter: Right. So, easy spell, stun, and Slappy Man goes down. What next.

Dumbledore. I fear for you Harry, because what you face next is fearsome indeed.

MANGINO OF LAWRENCIA AWAITS

Mangino: Get over here! You! You fucked up this time! You think you did all this by yourself? BULLSHIT. You lucked out in most of the crucial moments in all of your novels. Hell, in the Chamber of Secrets a phoenix had to save your ass. A BIRD ON FIRE HAD TO SAVE YOUR SORRY ORPHAN ASS. You make your dead parents ashamed with every weakling breath you take! I'd tell Cedric Diggory to show you how to be a man, but he's busy taking a dirt nap vacation you bought him because you're such a special guy. Nice fuckin' gift, scarface.

Dumbledore: As you can see, he's quite vicious and personal. Lesser men have perished beneath his withering insults. He may also poke you with his finger or thumb in the chest.

Potter: Blimey, that could crack my sternum. Look at it. His hand looks like a flesh pillow with five pink fire hydrants stapled to it.

Dumbledore: So move quickly past him, Potter. I recommend apparating a pot roast five feet to the left and using your cloak of invisibility to move past him to your final challenge.

Potter: Right. What now?

THE DETESTABLE MR. LEACH AWAITS AT THE END OF A CAVE

Leach: You preposterous and thinly veiled magickal Luke Skywalker! Were it not for the refusal of today's youth to view anything not dripping with CGI eye-fat, they would see what a transparent and superficial graft of the classic hero in mid-cycle you are, something Joseph Campbell identified in his seminal work The Hero With A Thousand Faces. For Zeus's sake, you even have your own luminous sword symbol!

Potter: What's this twat do?

Dumbledore. He will ask you to sit in a dark room for one or possibly two hours. You may be fed ice and allowed to use your cellphone. There is a chance you may be told things about pirates in great detail.

Potter: That's it? You call this a challenge, Dumbledore? They...they can't do anything even remotely intimidating in a real way, sir!

Dumbledore: No, but these guys don't have anything else to do and needed the cash, Harry. You'll understand that soon enough.

Potter: When, exactly?

Dumbledore: Oh, about five years after the last movie comes out, Harry.

FIN

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