HARRY POTTER AND THE CAVE OF THE THREE TRIALS

by Orson on Jan 8, 2010 12:32 PM EST

HARRY POTTER and DUMBLEDORE approach the CAVE OF THE THREE CHALLENGES.

Potter: So, just into the cave then?

Dumbledore: Right. Just walk on in holding your wand.

Potter: Doesn't seem dodgy, sir? A pervy-looking old man just telling me to walk in holding my wand? Into a cave? I mean really, the ominous vaginal imagery here couldn't be more obvious without a whacking good rim of moss surrounding the entrance here.

Dumbledore: You must pass through the Cave of Three Challenges, Harry Potter. And I thought the beard gave me a fey but wizened dignity, actually.

Potter: /makes wanking motion.

Dumbledore: /rolls eyes

HARRY and DUMBLEDORE enter the cave.

Dumbledore: Harry, according to the scrolls of Nicholas Flamel, this cave contains three wizards you must best in combat. The first: Leavitt of Tampania!

LEAVITT OF TAMPANIA YELLS FROM ACROSS THE LAKE OF MINOR PLAYER DISCOMFORT.

Leavitt: Potter! Potter! Get over here and taste the alleged backhand of doom! It will possibly redden your face!

Potter: So, he's going to slap me?

Dumbledore: Yes. Or, well, possibly not. His power lies in possibly not slapping you or slapping you, but make no mistake, you will be disturbed by his sheer intensity.

Potter: Right. So, easy spell, stun, and Slappy Man goes down. What next.

Dumbledore. I fear for you Harry, because what you face next is fearsome indeed.

MANGINO OF LAWRENCIA AWAITS

Mangino: Get over here! You! You fucked up this time! You think you did all this by yourself? BULLSHIT. You lucked out in most of the crucial moments in all of your novels. Hell, in the Chamber of Secrets a phoenix had to save your ass. A BIRD ON FIRE HAD TO SAVE YOUR SORRY ORPHAN ASS. You make your dead parents ashamed with every weakling breath you take! I'd tell Cedric Diggory to show you how to be a man, but he's busy taking a dirt nap vacation you bought him because you're such a special guy. Nice fuckin' gift, scarface.

Dumbledore: As you can see, he's quite vicious and personal. Lesser men have perished beneath his withering insults. He may also poke you with his finger or thumb in the chest.

Potter: Blimey, that could crack my sternum. Look at it. His hand looks like a flesh pillow with five pink fire hydrants stapled to it.

Dumbledore: So move quickly past him, Potter. I recommend apparating a pot roast five feet to the left and using your cloak of invisibility to move past him to your final challenge.

Potter: Right. What now?

THE DETESTABLE MR. LEACH AWAITS AT THE END OF A CAVE

Leach: You preposterous and thinly veiled magickal Luke Skywalker! Were it not for the refusal of today's youth to view anything not dripping with CGI eye-fat, they would see what a transparent and superficial graft of the classic hero in mid-cycle you are, something Joseph Campbell identified in his seminal work The Hero With A Thousand Faces. For Zeus's sake, you even have your own luminous sword symbol!

Potter: What's this twat do?

Dumbledore. He will ask you to sit in a dark room for one or possibly two hours. You may be fed ice and allowed to use your cellphone. There is a chance you may be told things about pirates in great detail.

Potter: That's it? You call this a challenge, Dumbledore? They...they can't do anything even remotely intimidating in a real way, sir!

Dumbledore: No, but these guys don't have anything else to do and needed the cash, Harry. You'll understand that soon enough.

Potter: When, exactly?

Dumbledore: Oh, about five years after the last movie comes out, Harry.

FIN

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/wipes tear from eye
/acknowledges orson as realest of all real americans

by jon on Jan 8, 2010 12:48 PM EST reply actions

Ah, the offseason. This is the exact time when experimenting with hallucinogens pays off.

by BurritoBrosShits on Jan 8, 2010 12:58 PM EST reply actions

The actions of these coaches need to be distinguished. There were lots of nasty allegations against Mangino (including the player who may have received 2nd degree burns while crawling over a hot field). Those allegations were hushed through the settlement agreement.

In contrast, Craig James’ son was the only allegation involved in Leach’s firing, to my knowledge.

by OldSouth on Jan 8, 2010 1:03 PM EST reply actions

The Hero with a thousand faces? orson you continually surprise me with how deep and thorough your knowledge is. i dont think more than 5000 people have read that book.

by lovettowl on Jan 8, 2010 1:08 PM EST reply actions

Good game last night. Great season. See you next year.

Great work Swindle

by ohiodawg on Jan 8, 2010 1:18 PM EST reply actions

More know about it than you think, these days. Just try to claim some where on the internet that [movie x] has the exact same plot as Star Wars (say, Kung Fu Panda) and you will get a litany of Campbell references.

Actually having read more than the spark notes, that’s a different beast.

by Scotthany on Jan 8, 2010 1:22 PM EST reply actions

Damn funny.

by Geoff Weaver on Jan 8, 2010 1:44 PM EST reply actions

Absolutely lost it at “flesh pillow with 5 pink fire hydrants stapled to it.”

by BullGator on Jan 8, 2010 1:51 PM EST reply actions

Ahhh, a wonderful end to a great CFB season. May Mr Leach find a broadcasting gig. Now to call & see if my girlfriend remembers me.

by yoyofutbawl on Jan 8, 2010 1:58 PM EST reply actions

There’s a long, hard hibernation ahead. Swindle and Co., please be fortified and sustain us.

That said, this is promising.

by CA Dawg on Jan 8, 2010 2:22 PM EST reply actions

Masterfully done Orson…. In five years TIME/LIFE will be selling best of EDSBS 5 volume sets on late night infomercials also.

Is it too early for the Fulmer Cup (sponsored by Kiffykins brand laxatives, “Because when your full of shit, your’e full of shit”) ?

by Gator Greg on Jan 8, 2010 2:43 PM EST reply actions

Brilliant, Swindle, just brilliant.

@ # 4, and 6 – I would think more than 5000 have read The Hero With a Thousand Faces since it’s sold over a million copies. But you never know, they may be laying around unread on library shelves. I first read THWTF back in the 70’s while experimenting with hallucinogens (#2) and have read three of his other books. Campbell is one of my intellectual heroes, along with Ayn Rand, Robert Anton Wilson, and now Orson Swindle (just to show how screwed up that experimantation can make you).

by SC_Eer on Jan 8, 2010 3:08 PM EST reply actions

I’ve read enough Harry Potter to my kids to enjoy the entire write-up, but the Mangino had me laughing so hard paramedics may be en route to see what is wrong with me.

And for Gator Greg at #11, the Fulmer Cup preseason rankings are now posted at MiamiHawkTalk.com.

by DevilGrad on Jan 8, 2010 3:53 PM EST reply actions

Great post Orson.

It amazes me how well read some of the people who take the time to post. Joseph Campbell in the same discussion with Mangino/Leavitt is simply insane. If someone mentions Dante or Milton this post may be mistaken from the Ivy League Football MessageBoards….

by Lowtide on Jan 8, 2010 4:15 PM EST reply actions

Pffft. Most Ivy Leaguers are too busy reading the latest trendy post-whatever academic babble or basking in their own awesomeness to bother with the likes of Dante or Milton.

by Blog Goliard on Jan 8, 2010 4:42 PM EST reply actions

I thought most caves were devoid of moss these days?

by Croc on Jan 8, 2010 6:07 PM EST reply actions

I should get in the business of repackaging the monumental writers of old as post-post-post-post-post-modern.

by cantcatchuf on Jan 8, 2010 9:26 PM EST reply actions

Apparating the pot roast? Is that right? That seems off…

by Hobnail Boot on Jan 9, 2010 2:45 PM EST reply actions

Croc you owe me a new monitor. This one has coffee all over it.

In response to your inquiry. I guess many caves are devoid of moss. I have been married for 11 years, so I don’t know much about most caves. I generally find the cave covered in moss. In fact, the entire cliffside and both paths in are often covered in moss as well.

by Captain Oblivious on Jan 11, 2010 3:07 PM EST reply actions