CURIOUS INDEX, 1/5/09

She's blind, but awesome. I opt for heroic and awesome instead, since adding Christopher Walken to anything is to gild it in luminous glory forever. More cowbell forever, rockin' blind cowbell girl.

Don't act like you didn't see that, America. Instead, embrace her bravery, since what better symbol for a proud nation's bravery can we find besides blind cowbell, who like us is playing along to the beat, making her way through life, and racking up hilarious amounts of debt to Chinese overlords due to a compulsive shopping habit? None, we say.*

That is a real major, btw, because Rex "Rextacy" Grossman majored in it in college and graduated CUM laude, if you know what I mean. Fox is even worse than you possibly imagined, since they not only decide college football means rapidly flitting through random band and crowd shots (27 in three quarters for the band last night,) they also insist on doing their "branded reality" thing by subtly inserting product into every inch of the frame. When they broadcast their final BCS game tonight, their college football division and the small cubicle it occupies will be set afire by the College Football Liberation Front, and none will mourn their passing.

Dalton should have been bigger. Dalton may be a body double for Joe Cox, and certainly played like it last night, though no help from the TCU run game contributed to his Ginger Ninjahood. TCU bailed on the run early with only 20 attempts on the ground to 44 through the air, resulting in TCU's metamorphosis into a misfiring run 'n shoot team before our eyes. In the fourth quarter the TCU line broke altogether, and Dalton took as bad a beating from fat white guys as any man since Rodney King has had. That's how you get 1 TD, 3 INTs, and a Boise State defense that hasn't looked as good since they played Oregon in week one. Sadly, no falcon punches ensued. 512 yards of offense was what these teams were averaging by themselves; last night that was the combined total of the teams' offenses on the night.

Iowa fans discovering the wonders of cocaine, fresh fruit, and plastic surgery. Iowa fans are surely experiencing the odd sensations washing over any visitor to Miami:Why is this beautiful place also repulsive? Because it's Miami, that's why, which somehow always manages to show up to dinner looking stunning in a white suit, sits down, and then watches nonchalantly as a cockroach climbs from its pants leg and scuttles across the floor. Winfield Featherston had to get the Ramblin' Wreck to the stadium early, but still reports that Tech fans are badly outnumbered by Iowa fans. Barnhart points out Iowa's slightly suspicious rush defense, while BHGP is prepping for all possible variations of loss or victory, because when you ride with Ricky Stanzi you ride with the devil and sometimes he gives you eight curvy whores in a hot tub and sometimes he throws you to the wolves.

Tommy Tuberville Travels Texasward To Touch Tech's Tra-la-la. Tuberville is allegedly interviewing with Texas Tech, and would be a better fit than Leach in Lubbock because not only does he hate scoring, but he can also gladhand and act like a "footbaw coach" for the boosters who don't like them fancy brand nerd coaches. (Additionally, Tommy Tuberville teams have no need to score in order to win.)

Realness: Shit is getting there. Painting endzones at Rose Bowl means realness and shit getting there is a process moving every closer to completion.

*Purely metaphorical. We're sure she's a frugal, sensible shopper.

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