COMPELLING REASONS TO WATCH THE ORANGE BOWL
by Orson on Jan 5, 2010 4:16 PM EST
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PrintDoc Saturday put out an open call for reasons to watch the Orange Bowl tonight. BANGARANG.
1. You have to. There are exactly three college football games left in the season: this, the GMAC Bowl Featuring Rust Belt Tebow vs. Troy, and the title game. Even if you count the GMAC Bowl and its endless shots of the USS Alabama in the harbor in Mobile ("MOBILE: WE'VE GOT FLOATING SCRAP METAL"), that's only three games until you're plunged teeth first into the hard, unforgiving curb of the offseason. Smell the roses while you can, even if they have BEES in them. < ---mixed metaphors 
3. It's Iowa. Notice the completely uniform confusion surrounding this game?
The stunned looks your friends give when asked to give an opinion as to what's going to happen here? Iowa is a team made up completely of dark matter, a theoretical cat in an unopened box preventing you from determining whether it is truly dead or not. Iowa plays solid defense. Iowa sorta kinda sometimes runs the ball. The rest is a muddle of Stanzi-centered mayhem consisting of three quarters of disaster, one quarter of raging Tyler Sashdom, and hammering Penn State while almost losing to Northern Iowa. It's not pretty. Hell, it's ghastly as slashed tires sometimes. But it is not predictable, and at least they've got that going for them.
4. The Orange Bowl Halftime Show. When entertainment merely consisted of "things it takes practice and a suit of rhinestones to do and have people clap at," the Orange Bowl Halftime Show was fantastic. They had people with legs who could sort of all do the same moves at the same time! They didn't even fall or anything!
This year's performance features Kool and the Gang. A music snob would mention that they weren't the band they were as pioneers of the LA funk scene of the 1970s. Those people can go sit on rusty spikes, because they wouldn't know fresh and exciting if it bit them in the face.
5. BEEEEEEEEEEEEES. Georgia Tech, if you have not had the pleasure of watching them this season, runs a triple-option attack that looks like a cross between square dancing and MMA drills. People fly at knees; there's some choreographed do-si-do-ing, and then someone's running through a heretofore unseen seam in the defense for a touchdown. Josh Nesbitt, Jonathan Dwyer, and Anthony Allen are all different runners: Nesbitt is the rabid ostrich, all legs and elbows, Dwyer is the angry Cape Buffalo, and Allen has the odd, flat-footed gait that makes him look like the fastest man with fused ankles ever.
6. Tyler Motherfuckin' Sash.
Timely. Deadly. Tastefully retro.
7. Adrian Clayborn. 9.5 sacks. A fierce defensive end, and a focal point due to being one of the read points on the option. Where he goes dictates the direction of many pitch plays, and Paul Johnson will shift blocking around based on what particular lineman Clayborn snaps in half before halftime. He also was the victim of a female stalker, meaning he must smell like sex and cookies.
8. Special uniforms! Because that always works well in bowl games!
9. Paul Johnson. Johnson's protuberant lips make for some of the best lip-reading in college football, ensuring that you can see every "You can't really be that stupid" he drops on his players mid-game. He also may threaten a official with a severe beating. He's done it before, albeit in another sport.
10. Because this is the last chance you have to watch FOX molest the sport of college football. It's the final molestation that's the sweetest. Trust us: we were raised Catholic AND in Boy Scouts.
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2 things:
1. Will there be another liveblog tonight? PLEASE!!!!
2. I used to tell my ex this all the time but it never worked. http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,581974,00.html?test=latestnews
by Kevin@LSU on Jan 5, 2010 4:26 PM EST reply actions
Tech fans deserve some credit for traveling to Miami. By doing so, they’ve entered one of the few urban areas that is more dangerous than the neighborhoods surrounding their campus.
by Ryno on Jan 5, 2010 4:39 PM EST reply actions
OBIE looks a lot like the Syracuse Orange but on steroids. Trademark infringement.
by yoyofutbawl on Jan 5, 2010 4:47 PM EST reply actions
@3 Meh. Midtown Atlanta is a tougher place to walk around at night than Miami Gardens (aka Opa-Locka). Suburban Dade County holds no fears for denizens of the 30318.
by Golden Hand on Jan 5, 2010 4:48 PM EST reply actions
The bowl-formerly-known-as-the-Orange Bowl was so much better when it:
1. Was actually played at the Orange Bowl
2. Had those skinny numbers on the field
3. Was announced by Bob Criqui*
4. Featured a penalty on a chuckwagon
- That’s 1980s Don Criqui, not the senile version featured on second-tier Big East basketball games.
by Raider Red on Jan 5, 2010 4:55 PM EST reply actions
For half a second there, I read number two as Dean Stockwell… now THAT would be a broadcast to watch.
by PeterPumpkinhead on Jan 5, 2010 5:01 PM EST reply actions
If tonight’s game is any worse than last night, it’ll be like a bathroom wank picturing a church camp handjob. Please, COTG in whose name I work, don’t let that happen to us…
by Go Big Rev on Jan 5, 2010 5:03 PM EST reply actions
A Schrodinger’s Cat reference in a post that also discusses Kool and the Gang. Since my head hasn’t yet exploded, but still might, I’ll use this opportunity to say well played sir, well played.
by KyJake on Jan 5, 2010 5:08 PM EST reply actions
Raider Red,
5. Had a tie-in from the Big Eight instead of America’s most ACCtion packed conference.
by John on Jan 5, 2010 5:08 PM EST reply actions
The only reason Doc Saturday needs to watch this game is to make up for the utter trash we saw last night. When Stanzi and the Tech defense fuck up, it’s comical and you beg for more entertainment. When the mid-majors fuck up, it’s just small white kids throwing floaters that land 10 yards away from a receiver before bouncing straight up in the air.
Besides, the mood ought to be electric, you know?
by Tim James on Jan 5, 2010 5:13 PM EST reply actions
@6
that pic gets me everytime.
College Football humor has really suffered the offseason with the firings of Manginio, Weis and Leach. I really don’t know who will fill in the gaps – Spurrier doesn’t win enough to be funny (its actually kind of sad most of the time) and Kiffin only laughs at his own jokes. I can only hope that Houston Dale Nutt pulls off an improbable undefeated season because the quotes off that man would be fantastic.
by Wes Tex on Jan 5, 2010 5:14 PM EST reply actions
New all-white uni’s, a team from a tough, urban neighborhood traveling to a notoriously rough city, Fox announcers doing what they do “best”…this is the Sugar Bowl we’re talking about, right?
by jakldawg on Jan 5, 2010 5:21 PM EST reply actions
Obie should have been down at the AAA instead of pining for Ga Ga. That’s where the real music in Miami was being performed that night.
by AllWhoYonder on Jan 5, 2010 5:33 PM EST reply actions
Kool and the Gang??? They played the New Year’s Eve show at Jacksonville Landing a few years ago before the Gator Bowl in front of several hundred drunk Hokies and Seminoles, none of whom was listening to the band (and most of whom were scheming how to jump the line to get into Hooters before midnight).
How in God’s green earth did they get promoted from that to the Orange Bowl halftime show???
by acidengr on Jan 5, 2010 5:50 PM EST reply actions
You know Obie would let Gaga finish first like a true gentleman.
Free pre-game entertainment: The Obie Shuffle.
by Brian on Jan 5, 2010 6:04 PM EST reply actions
I wonder how many Iowa fans have been showing their blindingly pale body at the beaches down here in So Flo since folks can still hit the coast around 1-3 PM for some decent temps in the high 60s-low 70s.
See ya at 8 and GT and Iowa fans, avoid anywhere in Miami-Dade that isn’t South Beach, Aventua, Bayfront Park, or Biscayne Bay.
by Super C on Jan 5, 2010 6:14 PM EST reply actions
As a reason to watch, you forgot (Iowa backup qb) Vandenberg’s mom.
by doc on Jan 5, 2010 6:19 PM EST reply actions
Mmmmm, nothing like the Paul Johnson primetime buffet. I think I’ll start off my night with the steamed rage followed up with a healthy portion of the ol’ stinkeye, maybe try to mix in a couple sides of abject disappointment in execution and then finish off the night with some homemade post game media condescension…assuming Tech wins of course.
by Joe Tereshinski IV on Jan 5, 2010 6:22 PM EST reply actions
Georgia Tech: Where this shit really IS rocket science
OBIIEEEEE!
by idahobuckeye on Jan 5, 2010 8:25 PM EST reply actions
There’s catholics in the south? When did they let that happen?
by Wooderson on Jan 5, 2010 9:40 PM EST reply actions
er…
\is catholic
\\ born in houston country, GA.
by Wooderson on Jan 5, 2010 9:41 PM EST reply actions
“Are there catholics in the south” has evidently never been to Louisiana.
http://www.valpo.edu/geomet/pics/geo200/religion/catholic.gif
by Brian on Jan 6, 2010 1:39 AM EST reply actions
Uh, the Battleship doesn’t float in Mobile Bay, it is anchored in a concrete bed.
And yes, there are Catholics in the south, we just hate Notre Dame.
by Bill on Jan 6, 2010 9:41 AM EST reply actions
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