A MISSIVE FROM THE REPRESENTATIVE FROM UZBUCKISTAN

is there context that i am missing which might make this funny?

@ 1

Meet someone from Ohio and it becomes gold. Serious, go to youtube, type redneck rock in the search box, and find the kid bitch about Pryor. Then, re-read this as if that kid were speaking.

http://tinyurl.com/yfr936t

Ohios can only drive the Chevy Cobalt because it is made in Lordstown, OH. All that other crap is made up in Michigan.

I-O

oh you have no idea curious

I take it this is Orson’s mea culpa for all the Buckeye bashing? I accept your apology. By the way, Skyline is Cincinnati-based (although they do have locations in Columbus), and it is awesome. Wendy’s is the appropriate Columbus-based fast food chain. Just FYI.

I-O !!

… and boom goes the dynamite

We’re not saying anything bad about Wendy’s. It’s delicious in every way, and is the Jim Tressel of fast-food chains.

Michael Vick’s second career is as a lieutenant in TP’s posse. That is all.

Crank the Nickelback, school’s in session.

Then I’ll go home and shit into my platinum toilet for three hours, because THAT’S WHAT MAKES SKYLINE SO GOOD, BITCHES. It’s a workout and and a meal and a diet all in one.

This line will be copyrighted and sold on ebay – and I am having a plaque of sold gold made with this sentence engraved into it… to be hung above my platinum toilet

I think new readers should be given an EDSBS primer and then required to pass a basic knowledge-of-blog test before commenting.
Question 1: Subcommandante Wayne is: A) A fictional TOSU fan and EDSBS character who encapsulates the whitetrash, redneck, fiercely loyal and blindly optimistic stereotypes of Ohio State fans. B). The ruler of a sovereign eastern European province. C) Orson’s cousin and an EDSBS guest columnist.

Sweet. I have missed the subcommadante. I made a “gaytors” reference back in August and was attacked by somebody in a pair of jorts.

MTVs Jersey Shore Dept:

Next season, MTV should go to OHIO and gather SubComandante Wayne and friends and do a show called “Summer in Sandusky Ohio”, replete with Ohio versions of Snookie, The Situation, blah, blah, blah, drinkin’, fightin’ and stuff. It would be comedy gold, comedy gold Jerry!

i guess i should be grateful you did not quote lebowski at me. the video is delightful and full of educational goodness.

PS – i read enough to say: you have shitty taste in beer. if there is a greater insult, the move is yours.

SubComandante “the situation” wayne?

Obviously, Orson was the only one man/curious enough to take my challenge to Google “duck’s vagina.”

Remember, kiddies…rape isn’t funny. Unless it’s duck rape.

@ 15 – “I said touch it don’t mash it.”

That duck penis shit was disturbing.

Doug Worthington is obviously quite a gentleman.

Reading this passage from Wayne was is a fine start to the first work day of the year. One day and one lunch-covered LCD monitor down, 250 more to go.

Comedy like this is heart attack inducing. I need to retire from this website and socialize with my family.

O – Tremendous work, as always, but setting the bar awfully high for ‘10, don’t you think?

I feel dirty. So very very dirty.

/hold me

Oh don’t worry, Domer, the instant Terrell Pryor backslides from his first showing as a QB worthy of his hype YouTube will be swarming with Buckeyes calling for his head and yearning for the good old days of Troy Smith.

Doug’s immune to losing, and so is his dick, which is nine feet long.

Can I put this in the “endorsements” section of my blog sidebar? Attributed to EDSBS?

I’ve been blaring Guided By Voices and Afghan Whigs in my Chevy Cobalt, Scarlet with Grey mags, to celebrate the unvested vest and Dougie Wo’s violation of the perky duck. Seriously though, Central OH has a city wide face boner right now. It feelz nice.

It’s a workout and and a meal and a diet all in one

Jeez, it’s only January 4th and Orson’s swingin for the fences.

Re: Skyline … as a transplant from the southwest, Skyline does not qualify as “chili”. Rather, it is best described as Skyline Meatsauce. It’s only chili if you can stick a spoon in it and let go without the spoon sinking.

PS – Orson, brilliant as always. We don’t mind being mocked/patronized/generally fucked with in these situations. Any Buckeye worth his weight in Spicy Chicken Sammiches will agree that the rest of the conference is a fraud and that prior to Friday, the national black eye was warranted. One win doesn’t fix everything, but it’s sure better than getting trounced by Va Tech and having our coach refuse to shake hands with Beamer (or sitting out the Bowl season like UM and ND).

I take it “Jugs” declined your prose. That was just intellectually and emotionally brutal.

I take it "Jugs" declined your prose. That was just intellectually and emotionally brutal.

That’s going on the sidebar STAT.

Re: #27, CincySooner

Re: Skyline … as a transplant from the southwest, Skyline does not qualify as "chili". As a born Texan, I’ll second that thought. I don’t get where the folks in Cincy think that Skyline is heaven-sent other than to imagine that they haven’t made a trip to the South to try the chili there.

God I love skyline. Anyone who disagrees is not only wrong, but will face the wrath of COTG. It doesn’t matter that its not chili, if thats you’re hold up with it call it something else. It is delicious though.

Maybe as a native though my body has worked up the proper intestinal fortitude to withstand the beatings of skyline, akin to taking small doses of poison. Could also explain why i never have to use Chipotle Away. SMALL INTESTINES OF STEEL BABY! Skyline: does the body good… if taken in small doses over the course of 20+ years… and Delicious! Someone call them up, I got a new ad campaign.

In summary: Skyline, as well as the grungy [insert neighborhood] Chili place thats straight from the 50s and looks at you crosseyed if you don’t have cash, Delicous.

Gold Star still sucks though.

@31

We’ve tried Texan chili. It’s alright. But that’s like saying “I think the only reason texans like their chili is because they’ve never had New England Clam Chowder”. You are trying to compare things that shouldn’t be directly compared. You are able to like each for what it is. Just because its called chili doesn’t mean that its like everything else that’s called chili.

@27 The only thing worse than a beer snob is a “chili doesn’t have beans in it” chili snob from the dessicated moonscape that is ArizTexNewNorth Mexico. It’s just chili. To be extremely accurate, Skyline is a cinnamon-flavored spaghetti sauce, but that doesn’t mean it tastes worse than the burro meat braised with chipotles that is the epitome of Southwestern haute cuisine.

Psych bitches!

First beer snobs…and now chili snobs…I’m waiting for the off-season appearance of soft-drink snobs and their dissection of the finer points of Pepsi Throwback as proof of the superiority of cane sugar sweetened sodas.

@ 27

I forgot that chili is meant for holding up spoons. Thanks for the reminder.

‘Ethnic’ Juggalo?

Pepsi rhymes with balls.

@36

I’m a corn-syrup man all the way, baby.

I’d point out that Ohio has some damn fine microbrews, most notably Great Lakes Brewery, but the truth is compared to anyone from Oregon even the snobbiest beer drinker in Ohio is a Natural Light swilling philistine.

Now that I live in North Carolina, I’ve come to realize that good local beer is mostly a Midwest/Northwest/Northeast thing. I’m sure there has to be some decent southern breweries, but it’s been a year and I sadly still haven’t found them.

Orson, you magnificent bastard, this is truly the work of a genius. I will say that the relief was as great as the euphoria from the win.

A few points to be made:

Skyline also has chocolate in it, so don’t spill it on you, the stain will set.

meatybob – you mean high-fructose corn syrup. The better for making America obese.

Who believes that the chick on the Taco Bell ads ate her way to slim? This Jared from Subway type diets has officially crossed the line. Rich Brooks thinks its bullshit. I will miss Rich, maybe he can replace Corso.

1. 28 – FOUR

You sound like the kid on the playground who always gets made fun of until he finds some pot one day and the cool kids let him hang out for awhile at which time he immediately starts cracking on his old friends.

In other words, I resent you calling the rest of the conference a fraud.

41, Natty Greene’s in downtown Greensboro if you’re anywhere around that part of the state.

36 – Only the masses, self-conscious in their corn syrup uniformity, touch the corporate drivel that is ‘Pepsi Throwback.’ Yuppies drink Jones Soda (’Look! They printed my crappy photograph on the box!). Well-traveled yuppies swear by foreign-bottled soda (had a friend who would bring back crates of Fanta from Pakistan). But true connoisseurs have a proper fountain installed in their kitchen.

But screw that.

/goes to get a beer

I am convinced that Orson has multiple personality disorder and Wayne is the result. This stream of conciousness is just too authentic to be totaly fabricated.

SEE!? I knew there were soda snobs lurking. And I got the beer snobs cranked up again, too. Now I’m off to enjoy my cup of Cafe du Monde chicory brew…laissez les bon temps roulez! (Fingers crossed that this comment will flush out some coffee snobs.)

Anyone that’s driven through Kentucky should know that Ale-81 is the best soft drink around. I think the secret ingredient is meth.

@41 You’ll have to come down to Atlanta, but both Sweetwater and ABC (Redbrick) are pretty good.

In Cincy I like the revival of the classics in Moerlein and Hudy, but I also had some Mt. Carmel beer last night that was pretty good too. Hudy now comes in two flavors, water and piss flavored water! I like it.

@41

I don’t know if you consider Charlottesville, VA “the south,” but Starr Hill Brewery puts out some fine flavors.

Oh has anyone tried the new Coca-Cola Freestyle machines? They might be only around Atlanta right now, but they are pretty sweet. Wiki apparently claims they have them in So Cal, GA and UT (Utah? I guess those Mormons like choices). It’s a touch screen drink dispenser with 104 different beverage choices.

I missed SCW. He should have at least a monthly post. Please add mroe. Being born and raised Ohio this hits pretty close to home.

Also, skyline is delicious. Anyone that disagree’s obviously a total bitch pussy who’s stomach can’t handle the truth!

DanF,

I re-read my post, and you’re right. I don’t want to hang with the cool kids.

What I meant to say was, people can say our football team swallows the mule, just don’t write off all Ohioans as Nickelback fans. THAT SHIT HURTS. We are the state that brought you GBV, The Afghan Whigs, The Breeders, etc. Whew. Now that we got that cleared up, here was my basic point:

In past seasons, when tOSU was rebuilding or getting perennially TROUNCED by Michigan, someone else in the Big 11 would step up and win the conference. However, for the past 8 seasons, OSU has almost won by default (with the exception of Penn State have a few decent runs). Believe me, kicking Michigan in their pretentious dicks every year is good fun, but after a while, it’s like, “can someone else carry the banner? We’re trying to rebuild here and no one else is stepping up.” Anyfuckinghow, everything I just wrote is thin. Purdue chickenkicked us and Iowa almost ripped our hearts out in our own house. Hopefully they’ll dump the Ramblin’ Wreck on Tuesdee.

The real question is, will Fox show lotsa pictures of Vandenberg’s mom even though Stanzi is starting?

Hey, Ohio also gave us Heatwave.

41,

Starr Hill (Charlottesville, VA) started shipping bottles and kegs around the region awhile back and they have a hefe-style wheat beer called “Love.” The name is apt.

And don’t sleep on the southwest when it comes to craft brews. The pH content of the water in AZ and CO makes great beer, the same reason New Yorkers swear they have superior bread. (although I can’t tell you why they think everything else there is superior)

That’s right zzgator, a water snob. WHAT OF IT?

AgnosticTheocrat @ 41: As a native Oregonian, I can confirm the fact that while the community as a whole is a peaceful, loving bunch, you do not want to get into a dick-measuring contest over microbrews.

Big Jon – Please send me a case of assorted Four Peaks brews, stat.

FOUR,

I kind of took your initial post in the wrong way anyway – as a Penn State fan from the Philly area I definetely understand not meshing with the national perception of what a “insert school” fan is.

I have some Guided by Voices, and even a little Breeders; but it looks like it is time to add some Heatwave to the ipod.

Water snobs. Check.

Domer Guy, Sadly I now reside in the Sunshine State but I would literally stab someone for a pitcher of Kiltlifter and an order of chicken tenders from Four Peaks Brewery. Sweetwater and Guthrie’s just doesn’t cut it.

Bunda is Back Jack Dept:

Thanks OSwindle for the bunda picture.
I like the thick babe on the right, by the way.

Water Snob Dept:

http://www.menshealth.com/men/health/metrogrades/drinking-problem/article/0d719cf736b40110VgnVCM10000013281eac/2

Bingo. Bango. Bungo.

Until he gets that car, look for SCW at the Georgian Heights Bookmobile stop – they have internet, right? Listen you, his dad is a Vietnam vet who will seriously destroy your semi-charmed existence in a Saigon Second.

@47 Kopi Luwak, still warm, triple distilled water in a French Press

Something I didn’t know until recently…You can get the cane sugar Cokes at a mexican market. They come in bigger bottles too. Jackpot. My Soda snobbery only goes as far as:

Stuarts Orange Cream Soda, baybee!

Doug Worthington reminds you that without his seed, all of your bitch-snobbery wouldn’t exists. He drinks red, white and blues, eats Wendy’s and crushes crease.

I second the motion on the Ale-8s, I have some family outside Lexington and I bring home a couple cases whenever I get a chance to visit.

And I’m not a big fan of the noodles + chili at Skyline, but those little hot dogs they make are awzum! Mustard, chili, onion, and finally, piled high with a nest of very fine shredded cheddar cheese, so good! Only problem is they are almost $3 each and kind of small so you need to eat like 3 of them (I usually eat 4 but I am bigger than most). Funny thing is I am born and raised in Florida (Tampa area) and there are a couple of them right here in Clearwater! I never even knew it was a Cincinati thing until I got older and paid attention to the stuff on the walls.

And finally, there is a pretty good microbrewery right here in Dunedin, called aptly enough, the Dunedin Brewery. Stop in if you are ever in the area.

Getting hungry now, and want a beer…

DanF,

I went to the same corrupt high school as Darryl Clark and my future in-laws are both Nittany Lion grads. My lady went to Indiana and her sister went to Michigan. One of my best friends played DB at Illinois during the John Mackevich abortion. Shit gets ugly over here in the fall. But we kiss and make up at Thanksgiving and unify to cuss out southern migration and the SEC as a whole (except Georgia and Auburn, since it’s tough to cuss at the uniforms that once housed Herschel and Bo, no matter where one is from – although I am sure that UF and Bammer fans will disagree).

Still Cautiously Giddy,
b

Since we are all on beer and microbrews…Can anybody recommend a good brew-pub in Seattle? I’ll take all suggestions, but I may only have time for one, so tell me your favorite.

Thanks!

@41…

http://www.duckrabbitbrewery.com/

Thanks, Orson.

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.

I’ll admit I have pleaded obsequiously for the Sub Wayne to visit again, and it was worth it.

His return is gloriously mind-fucking.

I’ll read the comments now.

Oh, and “nappy dugout” has set an unapproachable new standard.

Is it coincidental that all the defenders of watery Ohio “chili” save one are Tech fans, or merely expected?

Don’t forget White Castle is headquartered in Columbus, and Mezzo Mix rules the soda roost.

@71 Yeah, the “nappy dugout” takes me back to ’92, before Ice Cube was making family movies. Good call, Orson!

Just to clarify… for all the folks that took umbrage with my stab at Skyline.

Skyline is a fine feast, best enjoyed after a long night of drinking. There’s no better drunk food chain on the planet (taco bell, step back). Nothing finishes a night at Mt. Adams/Lookout like four coneys from Skyline.

But, since my arrival in Cininnati, I have made the personal decision to refer to their topping as Skyline Meatsauce. Please, respect my chili beliefs and I’ll respect yours.

grungy [insert neighborhood] Chili place thats straight from the 50s and looks at you crosseyed if you don’t have cash, Delicous

sounds like someone’s been to Pleasant Ridge Chili in the past month.

74
How could you be so wrong? Camp Washington is by far the best chili in cincy. It is natures perfect food.

Middle America says:

I think new readers should be given an EDSBS primer and then required to pass a basic knowledge-of-blog test before commenting.
Question 1: Subcommandante Wayne is: A) A fictional TOSU fan and EDSBS character who encapsulates the whitetrash, redneck, fiercely loyal and blindly optimistic stereotypes of Ohio State fans. B). The ruler of a sovereign eastern European province. C) Orson’s cousin and an EDSBS guest columnist.

D) A pseudonym for a guy who — I am nearly positive — attends my family reunion every year.

(That’s why all the expat Ohioans around here find the Subcommandante so dead-on funny.)

SCW reminds me of some kids in my hometown. Lima (pronounced Lie MA), Ohio. Also Wendy’s owner Dave Thomas stole his recipes and old fashioned goodness from a restaurant named Kewpee.
http://www.4burgers.com/United_States/OH/Lima/Kewpee_Hamburgers1066842234

All you know has been a lie!

#79: All too true, sir. And hometown prejudice requires me to note at this point that Harry Shutt, the Kewpee’s owner, lives in Spencerville (which is home to a lot of Waynes).

@76

I was trying to encapsulate all of the neighborhood chili places, but yes I live down the street from Pleasant Ridge chili so I had that place in my mind

Skyline is Cinci. Replace all that with White Castle—it’s Columbus food, but has similar effects.

@80 SpencerTucky does indeed house a lot of Waynes! I refuse to drive to anyone’s house if it involves a trip through SpencerTucky