EAGLE BANK BOWL VERSUS CABLE TELEVISION SELECTIONS

by Orson on Dec 29, 2009 3:03 PM EST

We compare the Eagle Bank Bowl to something else you could watching at 4:30.

Factor: Entertaining Curiosity.

Opponent: Con-Air, somewhere in its second hour on Encore.

Oh, it's never a fair fight when you're battling Nic Cage in hair extensions. As curious as the sight of Temple in a bowl game may be, a movie featuring Cage being somehow convicted of murder in a self-defense case, sent aboard a plane full of the nation's most dangerous criminals, and then somehow ending up in the arms of his wife and daughter after crash-landing on the Vegas strip is far, far less believable than a Temple bowl appearance.

This sentence also mentions every one of the most plausible elements of the plot. The rest is completely unfathomable and awesome gibberish, especially the part where the female prison guard fights off the advances of Danny Trejo. (No woman resists Machete.)

Factor: Wintry Desolation.

Opponent: According to Jim, TBS.

Winner: TBS. It will only be in the mid-30s in DC; in Jim Belushi's soul, it's always a twat hair above absolute zero. Nothing can wither the eternal spring in your heart if you don't grow cold and hopeless watching According to Jim.

Hard-hitting action.

Opponent: "World's Most Shocking Police Videos, TruTV

Winner: The Eagle Bank Bowl in an upset. We've now watched so many crash videos we can call out the recut file footage before it happens. "Oh, this is the one where the guy hits the pole, kills himself, and has the huge interstate light rack fall from the pole and crush his car." "This is the one where the RV leads police into the middle of the California desert and gets stuck on a rutted road." "Ah, the semi-truck that annihilates a black sports car loaded with stolen stereo equipment." All classics, sure, but a fresh new car crash is going to be broadcasting live from DC.

Historical significance

Opponent: Harold and Maude, TCM.

Winner: Hal Ashby takes this one, even if four touchdowns by Kevin Prince would make him the first UCLA qb to have double-digit TDs in a year since 2006. And if you want a damning example of why you should watch Hal Ashby's classic instead of this game, it would be that and watching Norm Chow plunge from the coordinator's booth after losing all hope coaching this offense. At least Harold appears to be having fun shooting himself in the face and setting himself on fire.

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Comments

At least it beats being at work.

by Kevin@LSU on Dec 29, 2009 3:09 PM EST reply actions

No, Not Really Dept:

I would rather be at work that to watch that abomination that is known as: ucla footbaw.

by Stacy Kiebler Luvs Me on Dec 29, 2009 3:14 PM EST reply actions

I missed the first half of the Indy Bowl yesterday because I was watching Baby Boy on HBO. Really.

by Halpert on Dec 29, 2009 3:14 PM EST reply actions

….rather be at work THAN to watch….
corrections never end….

by Stacy Kiebler Luvs Me on Dec 29, 2009 3:15 PM EST reply actions

The Temple novelty factor is why I’m leaving work in about 10 minutes.

by PSUgirl on Dec 29, 2009 3:18 PM EST reply actions

PSUgirl, that deserves some kind of medal.

by Orson Swindle on Dec 29, 2009 3:18 PM EST up reply actions

What are the odds of getting a televised post game cheer/pep talk from sweet, beautiful Rick Neuheisel? Because I’m pretty sure that would be worth missing an episode of According to Jim.

Seriously, how could anyone believe a scenario of Courtney Thorne-Smith making babies with Jim Belushi? They may as well have a pet unicorn.

by Big Jon on Dec 29, 2009 3:19 PM EST reply actions

Wait a minute, you’d actually miss Sports Jobs with Junior Seau for fucking Temple?

Hopefully tonight’s the one where Junior learns to snake the WWF practice facility shitters …

by fluffy_bunny_feet on Dec 29, 2009 3:21 PM EST reply actions

I still firmly believe that if the Universe were just, the correct Belushi brother would have died. John still would have done the drugs, but it would have killed Jim instead. That would make this world such a better place.

by That 5.0 Guy on Dec 29, 2009 3:28 PM EST reply actions

“lsu is considered the host/home team for the Capital One Bowl game, and due to some rule in the Napoleonic Code (not really, maybe), the tigers wear their white jerseys for their home games.”

Well put PSUgirl.

After reading your blog, I believe I have developed a somewhat of a crush. That or the herpes are flaring up.

by Kevin@LSU on Dec 29, 2009 3:33 PM EST reply actions

If the reverse drug affect were actually true I’d be feeding rails of coke the size of 50 foot snow drifts to Casey Affleck.

by devidee on Dec 29, 2009 3:34 PM EST reply actions

Really though, who doesn’t want to see Temple beat UCLA in a football game?

by BocaHuskyUWowl on Dec 29, 2009 3:46 PM EST reply actions

Whenever people lament the death of John Belushi I feel the need to remind them that Chevy Chase was funny once. Which is to say, we didn’t have to suffer through his decline phase. I do wish Jim Belushi had died somewhere around 1979 though.

by Biggus Rickus on Dec 29, 2009 3:50 PM EST reply actions

Making Sausages Dept:

#12, I would love to hear about Temple whacking ucla, just do not want to see it, like I do not want so see sausages being made, but do like the end product on pizzas, sandwiches, blah, blah, blah.

by Stacy Kiebler Luvs Me on Dec 29, 2009 3:51 PM EST reply actions

Ms. Kiebler & Chevy Chase’s Careers Dept:

Chevy Chase may still be around doing lousy sitcoms, but his career was dead in the early 80’s.

What has happened to Ms. Kiebler’s career? She is not even making the rags anymore.

by Stacy Kiebler Luvs Me on Dec 29, 2009 3:53 PM EST reply actions

I’ll stomach it until Fox Business has Miss Diamond’s legs on at 5PM.

by yoyofutbawl on Dec 29, 2009 3:57 PM EST reply actions

@12: I’d root for the minions of Satan over ucla if the fate of the world hung in the balance.

by OJ's Last Fan on Dec 29, 2009 4:15 PM EST reply actions

QUOTE: Oh, it’s never a fair fight when you’re battling Nic Cage in hair extensions.

I believe you forgot an accent that Brando would have killed to pull off, Orson.

by Billy From Baton Rouge on Dec 29, 2009 4:35 PM EST reply actions

- I’m stuck at work – Let me know what you think of our next coach

by DanF on Dec 29, 2009 4:52 PM EST reply actions

I’m gonna watch the 1,148th rerun of a Man vs. Food episode. Because watching that lumpy bastard stuff his fat face warms my soul.

by EZ on Dec 29, 2009 5:18 PM EST reply actions

EZ,

That guy could unknowingly walk a tight-rope 1000 feet up, blindfolded and still have a better shot of dying of a heart attack.

by Kevin@LSU on Dec 29, 2009 5:24 PM EST reply actions

Actually watching UCLA lose to Temple is far more entertaining than I anticipated.

What a train wreck (and I’m a Texas Tech fan saying that).

by Wes Tex on Dec 29, 2009 5:47 PM EST reply actions

Is it too early to demand apologies from every west coast fan and hack writer who claimed the Pac-0 was the best conference in the nation this year?

by chg on Dec 29, 2009 6:03 PM EST reply actions

I had no idea I was in the market segment, “Potential BMW and Land’s End Purchasers”, through frequenting this site. So I’m a socialite, elitist…hmmm, this is good to know.

by Brandon on Dec 29, 2009 6:09 PM EST reply actions

Train Wreck Dept:

I’m having a great time NOT watching ucla in the “bowl” (should be “blows”) game.

I agree with Deadspin that the ucla-Temple bowl game is the:

Bottom of the Barrell Bowl game, worse of this awful bowl season.

by Stacy Kiebler Luvs Me on Dec 29, 2009 6:38 PM EST reply actions

the Owls just snapped the ball over the punter’s head into the endzone. 30-21 UCLA and Temple is melting down at the hands of a major program. Bummer…

by ColoBama on Dec 29, 2009 7:33 PM EST reply actions

Michael Bay and Nic Cage should be executed on national TV as a warning to other shitty movie makers.

by Brizzle on Dec 29, 2009 11:46 PM EST reply actions

Late to the party as usual, but I had to comment on the first matchup. I have to say that Temple making it to a bowl is far more unbelievable than even the fact that Nicholas Cage is able to make a steady and sizable income from acting, which is by far the most unbelievable part of Con Air. Also, I thought hyperbole was the lingua franca around here.

by Tanner on Dec 30, 2009 12:55 AM EST reply actions