EAGLE BANK BOWL VERSUS CABLE TELEVISION SELECTIONS

We compare the Eagle Bank Bowl to something else you could watching at 4:30.

Factor: Entertaining Curiosity.

Opponent: Con-Air, somewhere in its second hour on Encore.

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Oh, it's never a fair fight when you're battling Nic Cage in hair extensions. As curious as the sight of Temple in a bowl game may be, a movie featuring Cage being somehow convicted of murder in a self-defense case, sent aboard a plane full of the nation's most dangerous criminals, and then somehow ending up in the arms of his wife and daughter after crash-landing on the Vegas strip is far, far less believable than a Temple bowl appearance.

This sentence also mentions every one of the most plausible elements of the plot. The rest is completely unfathomable and awesome gibberish, especially the part where the female prison guard fights off the advances of Danny Trejo. (No woman resists Machete.)

Factor: Wintry Desolation.

Opponent: According to Jim, TBS.

Winner: TBS. It will only be in the mid-30s in DC; in Jim Belushi's soul, it's always a twat hair above absolute zero. Nothing can wither the eternal spring in your heart if you don't grow cold and hopeless watching According to Jim.

Hard-hitting action.

Opponent: "World's Most Shocking Police Videos, TruTV

Winner: The Eagle Bank Bowl in an upset. We've now watched so many crash videos we can call out the recut file footage before it happens. "Oh, this is the one where the guy hits the pole, kills himself, and has the huge interstate light rack fall from the pole and crush his car." "This is the one where the RV leads police into the middle of the California desert and gets stuck on a rutted road." "Ah, the semi-truck that annihilates a black sports car loaded with stolen stereo equipment." All classics, sure, but a fresh new car crash is going to be broadcasting live from DC.

Historical significance

Opponent: Harold and Maude, TCM.

Winner: Hal Ashby takes this one, even if four touchdowns by Kevin Prince would make him the first UCLA qb to have double-digit TDs in a year since 2006. And if you want a damning example of why you should watch Hal Ashby's classic instead of this game, it would be that and watching Norm Chow plunge from the coordinator's booth after losing all hope coaching this offense. At least Harold appears to be having fun shooting himself in the face and setting himself on fire.

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