POINSETTIA BOWL PREVIEW: LIKE THE HOLIDAY BOWL WITH POISONOUS PLANTS
by Orson on Dec 23, 2009 12:48 PM EST
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PrintVideo of tangential relevance at best: NO YOU MADMAN STOP:
Questions abound, like "How the hell did Utah beat nine teams?" By scheduling target practice, filling the range with slow, fat cattle, and using the big bullets to make sure they couldn't possibly miss. Jeremy Foley approves of the zeppelins gunned down by the crack hands at Utah, whose wins come against the following collection of armless pugilists:
-Utah State
-San Jose State
-Air Force
-Louisville
-Colorado State
-Air Force
-Wyoming
-New MexiLOLOLOLOL
-San Diego State
Doc Saturday's been on this all year, but it bears repeating: Utah has been the ripped, well-manicured pool-boy plowing through an endless stream of tipsy housewives answering the door in their bathrobes.
In contrast, Cal's been filching desperate handjobs in between failed passes at taken women, especially in conference: all of Cal's four losses came in the Pac-10 at the hands of rivals, including a brutal 42-10 loss to Washington to end the season. Those taken women hit back with loaded purses, for the most part.
Geopolitical Importance: A few interesting storylines, conference-wise. The Pac-10, should Cal lose, will start 0-2 on the season and further the theory that in-season parity for a conference may be exciting during the year, but usually shows up in bowl season as widespread mediocrity. The Mountain West, plucky, dusty pioneering types, will crow about their lack of AQ status if Utah wins, while they still lose little in the even of a Utes loss due to widespread suspicion of their wins. (/pool boy flexes.) The BCS will use either event to bolster arguments for itself you wouldn't buy after two pints of drank and a hastily huffed can of spray starch.
Human Resources Requests That You Fully Disclose: That Cal offensive coordinator Andy Ludwig was Utah's offensive coordinator last year, and that his understudy Dave Schramm took over, and if this were an action movie the two would spend the game exchanging grim, slightly homoerotic glances while the voice over reads nonsensical play gibberish before they clench in mansome fashion at the end. Broken tendencies all around for both teams in this game. Kevin Riley runs the wishbone! < --not likely! 
Mike Patrick has been a professional broadcaster for over thirty-five years. He collects rare moths in his spare time.
LEANING: Towards Utah, but only thanks to the Merril Hoge Decision-Making Wheel we used up there.
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LOL ORSON POINSETTAS ARENT POISONOUS WAT KIND OF JORNALIST R U LEANR TO DO RESEARCH U HAVE NO CREDABILITY LOLOLOL
by Golden Hand on Dec 23, 2009 1:02 PM EST reply actions
Mike Patrick’s looking increasingly like Mr. Bones, my favorite DC Comics character who regularly surprises fan boys that he’s actually black. Since he’s, you know, a skeleton in a business suit it’s kinda hard to tell.
by King Cockfight on Dec 23, 2009 1:06 PM EST reply actions
I thought I was experiencing deja vu when I realized Senor Swindle wrote the same thing twice…
by Philip on Dec 23, 2009 1:56 PM EST reply actions
Our starting guard Matt Summers-Gavin is out with a shaky brain and the nicest thing we can say about his backup Mark Boskovich is he is a hard worker (walk-on who earned scholly) who makes the team GPA look good (Pac-10 All academic 1st team, or something). Our four-year starter at CB is a game time decision due to a gimpy ankle and his backup is out with a shoulder injury! Starting your 3rd and 4th corners! Yay!
Riley is a mystery. In the game winning drives at Stanfurd and ASU he looked like Aaron Rodgers and in losses to Oregon, sc and washington he looked like Joe Ayoob (Cal qb 05).
Dear God lest us win!
What the hell is a Utah Ute anyways?
by oaklandbear on Dec 23, 2009 1:58 PM EST reply actions
They’re actually the “Utah YouTHS.” Quit saying it like a New Yorker.
by An 'eer with a beer on Dec 23, 2009 2:25 PM EST reply actions
Utah lost to Oregon by 7 in Autzen and took BYU to overtime. Their 3 losses are to teams that will likely end in the top 10 with Oregon, TCU and BYU. All were on the road.
Don’t underestimate the Utes. What does a team have to do for some damn respect?
by Andre on Dec 23, 2009 2:27 PM EST reply actions
No repost of the Poinsettia Bowl song from a few years back?
by Red Dawg on Dec 23, 2009 2:27 PM EST reply actions
oaklandbear, you ask what is a Ute? Here, let me help you with that…
by Andre on Dec 23, 2009 2:29 PM EST reply actions
Oooh, I just love ‘Silence of the Lambs’ references.
Now, you must excuse me, I’m having an old friend for dinner.
by SC_Eer on Dec 23, 2009 2:44 PM EST reply actions
Andre-
Quit whining and you’ll get plenty of it.
by idahobuckeye on Dec 23, 2009 3:16 PM EST reply actions
quit whining……………and win a few of those games instead of losing them?
that’ll do it
orson, you say huffing spray starch like its a bad thing
by roscoe nutjobber on Dec 23, 2009 3:32 PM EST reply actions
#4
Kevin Hart awaits your call, sir. He already has a hat.
http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/columns/story?columnist=wojciechowski_gene&id=3236039
by Laugh on Dec 23, 2009 3:37 PM EST reply actions
If Utah is a muscular tanned pool boy, then what is Alabama but an overweight, overworked, balding middle aged partner in a corporate lawfirm with a second trophy wife, a hefty alimony pament, a Viagra prescription, and an occasional taste for naive, vulnerable coed interns?
by Ted Valentine on Dec 23, 2009 3:56 PM EST reply actions
Brooklyn Dept:
I thought a “Ute” was a young person from the Flatbush section of Brooklyn, NY. (definitely not Bed Sty or Canarsie, if you know what I mean).
Learn somethang new everyday.
by Stacy Kiebler Luvs Me on Dec 23, 2009 4:14 PM EST reply actions
#4: Never, ever, bring up the name of Joe Ayoob. Ever.
by Lawrence on Dec 23, 2009 5:31 PM EST reply actions
Wow, it took a whole 13 replies before we got the whole BAMA-Utes reference, shocking. Nice description there…of last year.
by bamachine on Dec 23, 2009 7:27 PM EST reply actions
I’ve always had a taste for naive, vulnerable coed interns.
by Kevin@LSU on Dec 23, 2009 11:59 PM EST reply actions
Not surprised at all that Cal took it up the butt in this one. Andy Ludwig was one of Mike Bellotti’s worst coaching hires at Oregon, where he was OC following.. Tedford.
Gary Crowton (!) was an upgrade from Ludwig.
by benzduck on Dec 24, 2009 3:41 AM EST reply actions
Question: if I took BYU and Utah in my bowl pool, would I have to give 10% of the winnings to the LDS?
by Go Big Rev on Dec 24, 2009 8:08 AM EST reply actions
Lets see….so Utah is playing in the San Diego Credit Union Some Chrismassy Poisonous Plant Bowl, and Alabama is playing for the BCS National Championship? Go get your pool cleaning kit…..
by Mr. Pelican Pants on Dec 24, 2009 9:32 AM EST reply actions
So I Orson updating the site today or am I the only one stuck at the office on this fine Christmas Eve. Current temp, 70.
by Kevin@LSU on Dec 24, 2009 9:51 AM EST reply actions
aww.. all you bums stop yer yammering about respect. you want respect then play a schedule of teams that know how to play the game instead of teams who ain’t been ranked since Hubert Hover and deserve no respect. you wanna see a team… check out the beat down I’m gonna put on Texas…..
by nick saban on Dec 24, 2009 11:36 AM EST reply actions
R – E – S – P – E – C – T Dept:
@ 24, Sabanator – I see Awabama played FIU, North Texas and Chatanooga earlier this year. Wow, what a murderer’s row of top teams. Man, now I see how you get all of the respect in the world. Ha!
And, Saban, you are so short, you play handball by the curb! Burn, baby!!!!!!!!!!!!
by Stacy Kiebler Luvs Me on Dec 24, 2009 1:40 PM EST reply actions
Wait, so there’s no Italians in Canarsie?
Not that I would know, of course. Mother nature thought it prudent to drop a moat around our bastion of civilizationhere behere between the Hudson and East rivers so I’d never be forced to set foot on the island of length dimension during the last ice age.
by Wooderson on Dec 24, 2009 8:13 PM EST reply actions
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