NOIR RICH BROOKS GETS A SNUGGIE

by Orson on Dec 21, 2009 11:46 AM EST Comment 26 comments

Put it on, they said. I've done things in life. Undignified things. We all do. Some of us do it for money. I knew a man named Tim who sold potholders on the boardwalk in Malibu. Looked undignified to me, but Tim was a prince. Knew every hobo in his kingdom, every floozy passed out in the alley. Some men walk through this life in quiet dignity. Those men walk alone. It's their choice. I won't begrudge it.

Tim's not alone. He may be just the king of beachside potholders, but that crown's real.

I put it on and they laughed. Sometimes you need to laugh. It's like winning a few hands at the casino. You get the thrill. Your blood vessels dilate a bit. Someone brings you a drink and you forget how heavy your feet feel on the ends of your legs at the end of the day. A meaningless, dreary day, if it happens to be like most. You get the moment, and the dealer smiles, because he knows this isn't how it ends.

It ends with you down to your last chips sitting next to an empty drink. It ends with you walking away from the table broke, because that's life, a long walk through a pile of chips and drinks and easy talk at the tables playing games you know you'll lose. It ends with you wearing a snuggie, surrounded by people baring their teeth because they think they're happy.

You put on the robe, they laugh, but sooner or later you know the fruitcake is waiting. It's under the tree, or in the sock, and no matter how much courage you've piled into your system it sits there, waiting to win the staring contest between you and all that is dull and unbearable in life. You can't dodge it. The fruitcake's waiting. It wins every time, because it has an advantage you don't. It can wait forever, and it never goes bad.

Check your labels. That's not how we work. Sorry, no returns or exchanges. Sincerely, the management.

P.S. The fruitcake always wins.

So, Merry Christmas. And thanks for the robe. I'll wear it, because it gets cold, and an old man thinks of things a young man once laughed at, sweetie.

Yours,

Noir Rich Brooks

(HT: KSR via Stuart.)

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Fuckin’ Snuggies…

by Eer in the ALT on Dec 21, 2009 11:52 AM EST reply actions

I don’t think I even have to say it, but Coach Brooks, this is just bullshit.

by Signal to Noise on Dec 21, 2009 11:56 AM EST reply actions

“an old man thinks of things a young man once laughed at”

True, so true. I know well.

by SC_Eer on Dec 21, 2009 12:00 PM EST reply actions

I’m not entirely sure why, but this picture makes me very happy.

by westbrooke on Dec 21, 2009 12:00 PM EST reply actions

Only quality bourbon and mid-level bowl games can defeat the fruitcake, and Noir Rich Brooks lacks for neither.

by Jack Fact on Dec 21, 2009 12:04 PM EST reply actions

awkwardfamilyphoto’d!

And further proof that if you do anthing remotely embarassing or even just a little silly, it will be on the internet. Of course a man like Rich Brooks doesn’t have time for your tweeters, bookfaces, or bogs. Kids these days…

by Big Jon on Dec 21, 2009 12:07 PM EST reply actions

Will he be coaching the Music City Bowl in his snuggie?

by InTheBleachers on Dec 21, 2009 12:15 PM EST reply actions

Those blond bitches appear all too pleased that he’s wearing that one-sie.

by Brian on Dec 21, 2009 12:29 PM EST reply actions

First Weezer, now Rich Brooks.

It’s now official: Snuggies are pure awesomeness and we must all wear them at all times henceforth.

by Blog Goliard on Dec 21, 2009 12:33 PM EST reply actions

Noir Brooks HAS to meet the Detestable Mr. Leech. That article would explode into a supernovae of awesomeness

by gibbypoo on Dec 21, 2009 12:45 PM EST reply actions

Rich Brooks makes it possible to get through another mundane day of face tearing work. Good job Orson.

by AParker on Dec 21, 2009 1:18 PM EST reply actions

He has the look of murder about him –

He caught himself smiling as he realized that these people were not his friends. His only friends were death, bourbon and Smith and Wesson. He poured himself a finger of small batch. “Time for everybody to meet,” he thought as he half-squeezed the trigger on his airweight just to feel alive.

ps. this is my second favorite coach pick ever right behind Schnelly getting the electrolyte bath.

by haveagreatday on Dec 21, 2009 1:52 PM EST reply actions

Orson could probably make some serious money writing Bob Seger songs.

by Laugh on Dec 21, 2009 2:03 PM EST reply actions

@#9: Actually, Weezer has been the anti-awesome since Pinkerton.

by Ray on Dec 21, 2009 2:41 PM EST reply actions

You’re a USC fan if you don’t own a team snuggie…

by ahahah on Dec 21, 2009 2:52 PM EST reply actions

But look, I mean – is he going to be able to chase us? ‘Cause if I woke up lookin’ like that, I would just run towards the nearest living thing and kill it.

by Ricky tan on Dec 21, 2009 4:00 PM EST reply actions

@7 GODDAMMIT MAN, IT"S NOT THE MUSIC CITY BOWL !!!!!

This shit is 4reel. Nashville – Capital City. Center cut SEC/ACC competition. It’ is on. Deja Vu – one of the best strip clubs in the South. I believe the actual bowl game sponser is the Gaylord Bus Company and/or Gloryhole Entertainment.

I love Rich Brooks for all the wrong reasons. He is the “ghost of christmas future” that is not so distant for these old bones. Rich could write a book on how to age with attitude: Good posture, clean shirt, whiskey neat, terse look, and a subtle eye wink that hides a boodshot but diming marble. Person code of conduct, “it’s ALL bullshit.”

Do the right thing and for once open that bulky manilla envelope with the postage mark from Easily, SC. The Tiger Phoenix is rising. This is your 401K – take the cabbage and DO NOT, repeat, DO NOT run a read-option.

Remember the ’93 Peach Bowl, bitches.

by IM A MAN IM FORTY on Dec 21, 2009 9:39 PM EST reply actions

I ended up with a Snuggie at the company Christmas party, knowing full well it would end up on the net, I donned that bitch for the amusement of my co-workers. It helped the hilaruty when I peeled the paper off and yelled like a little kid, “Ooh, a Snuggie, I always wanted a Snuggie.” Damn bastards, they had stolen my first two gifts but no, they didn’t want to deprive me of the ultimate prize.

by bamachine on Dec 21, 2009 10:07 PM EST reply actions

err, hilarity

by bamachine on Dec 21, 2009 10:08 PM EST reply actions

Absolutely not. I won’t wear a snuggie no matter what the weather or my age. Let me freeze in the snowback along a muddy track before one touches my frail emaciated and ancient has-been body.

Especially one that says ‘Uk’ all over it.

Rich, seriously. Remember that you once ran from the deep field, sneered at a receiver’s head fake and batted the ball from his outstreached hands.

Show some dignity, man.

Sullivan013

by Sullivan013 on Dec 21, 2009 10:22 PM EST reply actions

@IM A MAN IM FORTY – try a more recent memory, say, 2006 gaylord hotels music city bowl… Haha 28-20… Will the tigers go down in flames? 4 straight losses?

by cocky scar on Dec 21, 2009 10:51 PM EST reply actions

@16: yes. You win.
“Hey, Carl, you remember anything?”
“I remember some things… just not being so old and black. Why am I black? And why am I wearing this suit? It’s ridiculous.”

by ronald on Dec 21, 2009 10:59 PM EST reply actions

this appears to be Coach Brooks attempt to influence what the “King of Kentucky” might wear once coronated

staring close at the picture makes me think that robe has pictures of him strangling other SEC coaches on it

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