ST. PETERSBURG BOWL BEEFIN' BILL OF FARE

by Holly Anderson on Dec 18, 2009 11:48 AM EST

We were clamoring for this to be called the Beef O'Brady's* Bowl almost as soon as we got over our initial shock and certainty that this whole thing was an elaborate internet prank, but it's St. Pete, so they've got a hardwired urge for ultimately futile efforts to class up the joint. Introducing the St. Petersburg Bowl Presented By Beef 'O' Brady's**, in the style of a platter of congealing wings being presented to your table of gaping exurban cakeholes by a junior college-slogging aspiring radiation technologist who's got a disquieting vacant look in her eyes, but who needs eyes to get a halfhearted blowjob in the back of your XTerra after close? UP TOP.

Mini Corn Dogs
Holy smoking hell, this place sells mini corn dogs, which we're guessing makes this a cut-rate poor man's dead hobo's Capital One Bowl. Your combatants are Central Florida and Rutgers, two 8-4 teams finishing second in C-USA and fourth in the Big East. If that's not unappetizing enough, we remind you that this is not the minor Florida football program coached by Howard Schnellenberger.

Killarney Chopped Salad (with crisp wontons, for that taste of Ireland)
Central Florida hasn't actually put together a bad season here, with losses to two ranked teams (Miami and Texas, both decisive but neither gruesome blowouts), eventual conference champ East Carolina, and Southern Miss back in Week 2 when the Golden Eagles still had a quarterback. Rutgers is still seemingly slogging away in the post-Ray Rice-era disinterest backlash, but ... look, we were going to say something nice about how they reeled off seven wins in eight games after that ugly opener with Cincinnati, dropping only to Pitt by a touchdown, but these guys lost to Syracuse, so no, the season is sans possibility of redemption; this is natural law and not open for debate.

Baby Back Ribs with Kickin’ Bayou BBQ, THERE ARE TOO BAYOUS IN THE NORTH ATLANTIC.
Your key matchup: True freshman Rutgers QB Tom Savage and UCF DE Bruce Miller. And this will be a matchup in the most intimate sense of the word -- Rutgers has allowed 34 sacks this season and Miller is 5th in the nation in backfield quarterback molestation. Joe Martinek is the team's leading rusher, but with UCF boasting the country's fourth-ranked ground defense, don't count on him getting very far.

Chocolate Eruption Cake (not making this up)
The line: Rutgers by 3. Chance that George O'Leary might say something horrible on television in the event of a minor upset to the swath of UCF fanbase clamoring for his departure: 1/4. Chance that his ill-timed choice of words will include the phrase "Chocolate Eruption": Even.

POST-MEAL PURGE
The best thing about this matchup by a country mile? Its proximity to Tampa. Your mileage may vary.
*linked because if we told you there was a Sister Hazel download on their front page you'd never believe us
**the only time we will type that ridiculous fauxpostrophe construction correctly, so help us Cranky Old Testament God.
The St. Petersburg Bowl kicks off on ESPN at 8 p.m. Eastern on December 19.

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Comments

they got pralines and cream. they got mississippi mud. THEY GOT CHOCOLATE ERUPTION.

by haveagreatday on Dec 18, 2009 11:52 AM EST reply actions

Between Wayne Terrell spitting hot fire like a young Kweli and the google mappery, you’ve done well this AM Orson. I am glad I crawled out of my whiskey-induced deathfog to pay a visit.

by DougoUConnPlaysFootball? on Dec 18, 2009 12:00 PM EST reply actions

[long-suffering passive-aggressive sigh]

by Holly on Dec 18, 2009 12:01 PM EST reply actions

And you really mean for us to believe you aren’t driving down from Atlanta to witness this thing?

by Leavitt Town on Dec 18, 2009 12:01 PM EST reply actions

[/slaps Holly on ass like a baseball manager]

[/realizes this was awkward]

[/consults HR manual]

by Orson Swindle on Dec 18, 2009 12:02 PM EST reply actions

Beef O’Brady’s…. not just a Gay Porn Star’s name anymore!

by Cowboycane on Dec 18, 2009 12:10 PM EST reply actions

Good to see other people went and got drunk last night. Any way I could show these posts as evidence to my AA sponsor?

by Philip on Dec 18, 2009 12:11 PM EST reply actions

Hey! I just learned something new about the Westshore Hotel!!

by CKGator on Dec 18, 2009 12:14 PM EST reply actions

Orson – Rutgers QB is Tom Savage I think, from lovely Delaware County, PA.

by DanF on Dec 18, 2009 12:15 PM EST reply actions

Holly, grape job! Just one thing, though, Rutger’s true frosh QB is Tom Savage, not Martinek. I bet you could have all kinds of cunning literary fun with the name Tom Savage.

You other clowns should check the by-lines.

by SC_Eer on Dec 18, 2009 12:16 PM EST reply actions

Sorry Holly – terrible habit.

by DanF on Dec 18, 2009 12:18 PM EST reply actions

I see someone else has visited the Loganville Beef `O’ Brady’s on 78. That first paragraph describes it perfectly.

by softbatch on Dec 18, 2009 12:19 PM EST reply actions

Maybe the byline should be bigger, Holly. Or glittery. Or Blingee. Something to draw more attention to itself. Never mind the distinctly different writing styles…

by DrBundy on Dec 18, 2009 12:22 PM EST reply actions

I listened to part of that Sister Hazel song, because I assumed it was an ode to the deliciousness of the Killarney Chopped Salad and the Chocolate Eruption Cake. Very disappointing.

by Tony on Dec 18, 2009 12:26 PM EST reply actions

[breathlessly runs back into the blog]

I’ve done it so you don’t have to. Sister Hazel is a life draining mix of bad country and emo with top notes of John Cougar.

by ohiodawg on Dec 18, 2009 12:29 PM EST reply actions

13 – I say we need headshots to accompany the byline.

And for the writing styles – it is not as easy to notice the difference if you have incorrectly attributed the work to one person all along. Or I am not that smart.

by DanF on Dec 18, 2009 12:33 PM EST reply actions

Geez, what’s with UCF fans hatin’ on O’Leary? It’s not like he KILLED a guy…what? Oh? Really? Uh, never mind.

by Golden Hand on Dec 18, 2009 12:35 PM EST reply actions

@15 They are all of that, and yet they are wildly popular at the beach bars down here on the Souf Kah-linuh coast. (and yeah, I know the approved version on this site is Sakerilina, but here in the Low Country we be’s mo’ gullah)

by SC_Eer on Dec 18, 2009 12:38 PM EST reply actions

Beef O’Brady’s and Tom Savage. A match made in ’80s porn heaven, where mood still means something, by gum.

by Biggus Rickus on Dec 18, 2009 12:40 PM EST reply actions

It’s hard to say what it is I see in your
Chopped salad and delicious cake
Ribs can’t wa-ait, I can’t eat
Enough to prove, it’s all for Bee-e-e-ef

Was that so hard, Sister Hazel?

by Tony on Dec 18, 2009 12:41 PM EST reply actions

Nothing about Gatorade coolers being replaced by Blue Cheese and Ranch dispensers?
/remembers the old Beef’s commercials about tons of chicken wings and their only locations in Brandon and Valrico.

by mlmintampa on Dec 18, 2009 12:49 PM EST reply actions

The only saving grace of St Pete is Ted Peters Famous Smoked Fish.

Mmmmmmmmm, smoked mullet.

by yoyofutbawl on Dec 18, 2009 12:50 PM EST reply actions

St. Petersburg has beautiful beaches, great hamburgers, and I’m from there. WHAT MORE DO YOU PEOPLE NEED?

(admittedly, it’s also the southern end of the Jersey Shore/Long Island excess population pipeline. But the beaches ARE really nice.)

by TCOAN on Dec 18, 2009 12:54 PM EST reply actions

Where in the shit did I get …. ORSON WROTE THIS. YUP. ALL MISTAKES ARE HIS. (Fixed, and thank you all for once again being smarter than me, or at least caring more about Rutgers.)

by Holly on Dec 18, 2009 12:57 PM EST reply actions

I love how the strip club map has clusters of red spots all over it. Helping the comparison along between the clusters is the town of Syphilis, er, Zephyrhills.

by Grib on Dec 18, 2009 12:59 PM EST reply actions

Good Gawd, there’s a Beef O’Brady’s in Pearland. I might just have to roadtrip it down there to experience the awesome.

by bitterhorn on Dec 18, 2009 1:04 PM EST reply actions

Smarts & Darts Dept:

Holly, there iss book smartz and then there iss college footbaw smartz. You beat 99% of the populace on these two (the one percent? being with the bulldog)

by Stacy Kiebler Luvs Me on Dec 18, 2009 1:23 PM EST reply actions

“or at least caring more about Rutgers”

There’s a 432-step program for that.

by Counter Trap on Dec 18, 2009 1:28 PM EST reply actions

@12 De3scribes it perfectly, huh? Is a Honda a suitable substitute for an Xterra?

by chg on Dec 18, 2009 1:38 PM EST reply actions

Re: " the southern end of the Jersey Shore/Long Island excess population pipeline."

As a Southerner I always suspected something like this existed but thought it was more like the underground railroad with whiny Jewish couples and pushy, fast talking Italian guys making their way across fields in the moonlight.

by ColoBama on Dec 18, 2009 1:53 PM EST reply actions

So I looked on the Beef’O’Brady’s website and consulted their job opportunities line to see if there are any locations near my abode in Boston. I was given two options – one in Brewer ME 200 miles away, ok not too bad a commute. The other was in Dallas GA, listed as being 138 miles away… through a worm-hole, I can only imagine. Work at Beef’O’Brady’s and scoff at the limits of normal 4-dimension time-space!

by Clarence the Talking Mule on Dec 18, 2009 2:05 PM EST reply actions

TCOAN: I always contened the population pipeline was more closely linked to the I-75 cooridor and the Ohio characters like SubCom-Wayne. After all, it was a St. Pete Beach (TI) beach bar where the Ohio State linebacker saw his season end at the hands of a fuming junior college dropout (and Florida Gator devote). Some Ted Nugent-loving Michiganders also find St. Pete oddly compelling.

Another odd fact: the game is sold out as UCF has convinced itself that this game is its ticket to the Big East.

by Gone Gator on Dec 18, 2009 2:25 PM EST reply actions

Who else is craving a 46 oz Blarney Margarita and a big honkin’ plate of Extreme Irish Buffalo Nachos right now?

by PeteJayhawk on Dec 18, 2009 2:53 PM EST reply actions

Their website must have been done by the woman at the post office yesterday who took 10 minutes to add up 15 17-cent stamps using 10s, 3s & 2s, after they ran out of 17s.

by yoyofutbawl on Dec 18, 2009 3:10 PM EST reply actions

I think the juice I was drinking practically shot out of my nostrile when I realized that your googlemap search for strip clubs in tampa pulled up a “Howard Johnson”. Either that’s the name of a male stripper establishment, or perhaps the name of the trashiest sex establishment in the Tampa Bay area. Or a hotel chain. Whichever one.

by rjsplow on Dec 18, 2009 5:31 PM EST reply actions

@35 – All of the above?

by PeteJayhawk on Dec 18, 2009 10:03 PM EST reply actions

As a USF alum I can only hope this game is interrupted by a random missile strike on Tropicana Field. UCF and Rutgers both have their football programs leveled, and the Rays get the new outdoor stadium they’ve been looking for. Everyone wins.

by JD on Dec 19, 2009 12:58 AM EST reply actions