CURIOUS INDEX, 12/17/09

Old Port Richey says you posin'. Oh, Leon Orr, the scourge of New Port Richey, a town so gully we...wait. New Port Richey? Never heard of it? It's like Bodymore, but with a Publix, no endless rows of crack houses, and in Florida and not hard in the least. It's New Port Richey. How weak is it? We went to high school there, something that should dispel any illusions about how gritty the place is. It's so hard they hang out at the Wendy's in Tarpon Springs, order a Frosty, and just wait for the mean muggin' to begin. Leon's ready, though.

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This merciless thug obviously adept at pulling six, or perhaps seven dollars out of his pocket at a time is also being pursued by Florida State, Miami, Tennessee, and notorious thug factory Boston College. WHO ARE YOU RECRUITING FRANK SPAZIANI? When will your rogue ways cease?

To put it in Hipstr Runoff terms: his personal brand is common among young black jock bros, and that is looking tough and carrying a gun like his name was 50 Cent, but without all the bullet holes. We at Florida have standards about our thuggishness, please, which you validate by fighting in the street, discharging automatic weaponry in public, or actually doing something (as opposed to mere posing.) Additionally, Kenneth Page says you're a busted-ass broke chump sadly deficient of stacks. Get your cheddar game straight and come back when you know a wheel of gouda from a box of Cheez-its, lawya.

Oh let's just all add on the five-car garage. The Pac-10's commissioner Larry Scott said he will consider expansion of the conference, thus setting in motion further fun hypotheticals involving BeiDa coming over to the Pac-10 in order to access the burgeoning Asian market (weak football, strong table tennis) and the University of Sydney just because they could boast the only football team that generates its own antivenom in case of onfield Brown Snake bite. At least the Pac-10 has pretty good options when it comes to expansion, though it does have to add two schools instead of one because it, unlike some other conferences, can count properly.

Economists predict strong swing upward in the El Paso whore market. El Paso bypasses much of the violence plaguing its sister city of Ciudad Juarez by being armed to the teeth and protected by a heavily patrolled stretch of border fence, but Oklahoma fans don't care and plan to stay away from the Sun Bowl anyway. This has to do something to do with OU fans' deep lust for prostitutes, something we base on watching no fewer than three OU fans at Club Madonna on South Beach get taken in the back for the full treatment. Three people=trend=scientific fact that OU fans love them some whores. This has been your pseudojournalistic math lesson for the morning, sponsored by Local Columnists: Making Sweeping Assumptions About Reality With Little Data for 90 Years.

Jahvid Best, out. Concussion treatment done right, even if it is painful to miss the final game of the year.

Fat baby pancakes, lawyaz. Marky M don't need your tears, just hand him an umbrella/ 'cause when it rains it pours, make him a richa fella.

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