ROARGH. Translated from Leavittese to English: I didn't hit anyone, and I'm disappointed to hear anyone would accuse me of doing such things.
The only source quoted in the Brett McMurphy Fanhouse piece, Paul Miller, the father of the player allegedly slapped by Leavitt in a November 21st halftime locker room incident, said this when interviewed by the St. Petersburg Times on Monday:
"I stand behind the university and Coach Leavitt 100 percent,'' Paul Miller said. "I truly believe there was no malicious intent to hit anyone. He grabbed his shoulder pad, but it was like a motivational thing. After talking with Joel, he was satisfied there was not a slap, not at all.''
The father also described any exaggeration of the incident as "total bullshit," or "total bull----", which would be much less striking since you'd have to say all those dashes and it really messes with the lyrical ring of the first version. Leavitt also firmly denies it, John Romano says it might be time for Leavitt to shut down the theatrics a bit, and the forecast of deep and eternal shitfire for Leavitt as a result of the incident is now altered to "a piddling shower preceded by changing testimony and accusations of shoddy reporting."
Bud Foster likes carrots. The veteran defensive coordinator at Virginia Tech will remain in Blacksburg for "a vault full of carrots." This seems like a bad deal for Foster due to the low commodity price of the vegetable, but...we're being informed that's a "metaphor." It's not our fault you're not writing in English.
Graphs will melt your brain and force you into Cartesian positions of intellectual love-making. Georgia Tech's defense pretty much let people do what they want for most of the season, and graphs, math, and numbers and such back this up pretty conclusively. Iowa's defense, in contrast, forced punts on half of their possessions and were even better than their points per game suggest (due to the turnovers and INTs for TDs handed over by the Iowa offense. This is a reminder that the Orange Bowl Halftime Show will not feature Harry Blackstone for the 22nd year in a row due to prop failure and death. Apologies.
Please, no tears on the keyboard. Pat Dooley's piece on Urban Meyer, whose team won 12 games this year and very nearly played for a national title, will surely tug at the heartstrings of anyone who pities someone who makes millions of dollars a year to coach one of the top football programs in the nation. REQ ORDER #34001 EXAMINE 'URBAN MEYER' COACH DROID FOR LEAKS IN CORTEX MANIFOLD REPLACE END TRANSMISSION.
There is this bit addressing the rumor that Billy Gonzales was dismissed due to his knowing about the party that sent Carlos Dunlap into a comfortable nap in the middle of the road in his front seat:
"That's absolutely not true," Meyer said. "In fact, that's the first I've heard of that one. Billy left because he was passed up last year for the offensive coordinator's job (which went to Steve Addazio). It was about the title."
Eyebrows. They are raised.
If you want to have fun, be the goat that bites people. Welcome to the petting zoo, Mark Ingram.