POORLY INTERPRETED EVENTS FROM THE OPENING ACT, 2009

by Orson on Dec 14, 2009 2:19 PM EST

USC's win at Ohio State. Ultimately an irrelevance for Ohio State (whose horrific gameplanning still deserves mention as one of the worst jobs ever done preparing for any challenge ever) and a false peek at hope for USC. Ohio State would recover to win the Big Ten, make the Rose Bowl, and ho-hum Tresselvania salutes their mundane fanged overlord who consistently drinks the unspicy, wholesome blood of his Big Ten victims. (Well, except for Purdue.) They'll lose to Oregon, and the Tressel Cycle that keeps the Ohio State ecosystem so vibrant and healthy will start again.

USC, meanwhile, would lose to Oregon, Washington, and Stanford, finish with offensive stats comparable to Northwestern's, and will be spending the holidays in El Paso dodging the Juarez Strangler and warning the locals not to look a wild Taylor Mays directly in the eyes. In retrospect, the victory meant little to USC in national terms because of their inability to win in conference, and little for Ohio State in terms of the dysfunction they showed on offense. Jim Tressel's been winning for years without a quarterback, and he'll be darned if he's going to start with that fanciness now.

Notre Dame's "So easy they can't fail" schedule/ The Michigan/ND Game. Universally cited by many (including this fine, faux-news site) as a reason Charlie Weis would get a pass for another year of unprosecuted felony theft, Notre Dame went on to lose to Navy, UConn, Stanford, and Pitt down the stretch, completing the death spiral beginning not with the loss to USC--a streak the Irish were at least used to--but in the week two loss to Michigan.

Tate Forcier's late heroics seemed both like the catalyst to The Rich Rodriguez Renaissance, something most people expected sooner rather than later, and the only thing keeping a powerful Notre Dame offense from winning a key rivalry game early in the year. Forcier, however, would spend the rest of the year running for his life and attempting to dig the Wolverines from the deep ditches the defense put them into time and time gain. This was the case in this game, too: remember that two deep incompletes called by Charlie Weis "to win the game" stopped the clock not once, but twice late. Forcier scored the game-winner with eleven seconds on the clock, eleven seconds that might not have been there if Charlie Weis didn't treat the college game with the unique respect usually reserved by wayward travelers for filthy truckstop bathroom seats.

The downfall of Weis began with his befuckwitted clock management down the stretch here, and if we'd all been watching a bit more carefully, the frustration of 2009 for Michigan would have been beyond apparent here, too. (Especially given the secondary's random waving at pass attempts and general confusion.)

Miami at Florida State. Easily the most thrilling game of the opening weekend's slate, and like most really thrilling things, completely misleading and in retrospect, a bit of a cheap high. Jacory Harris did look beautiful, but his beauty in this game (effortless deep throws, brilliant reads of the defense,) came against a Florida State defense currently sitting in 110th place in the nation in total defense and carrying the shovel it used to bury the Bobby Bowden era. Harris finished with 3,000 plus passing yards and a 23/17 INT ratio, but he looked like the second coming of Matt Leinart in this game, brimming with football bravado and an equivalent manbear charisma sure to impregnate women who dared brush too close to him. Two weeks later he was having a fascinating conversation with the soggy turf of Lane Stadium. Harris had a good year, but the effortless genius of this game was effortless because of the ease of moving the ball on the Seminoles, not because of Harris' innate perfection. (Which, to be fair Miami fan, still applies to his choice of pregame fashion.)

Still king of the pregame ascot.

Georgia at Oklahoma State. NINJA FAIL. You didn't know that Joe Cox couldn't play games in direct sunlight, and thus could not present even a feeble challenge to the Oklahoma State defense. You also didn't know not to bite the shiny, deceitful apple of betting on Oklahoma State to suddenly grow three sizes and start being a legitimate Big 12 title contender. You had no way of knowing how terrible Georgia's defense was this year, or that Oklahoma State only scoring 24 points on them was actually a sign that there would be deep trouble for Oklahoma State down the road, particularly versus Houston (where they ran out of bullets) and against Texas and Oklahoma (14 points and the shameful sombrero for the Cowboys' offense.)

We're a fool to do your dirty work, Mike Gundy, but we do it every time. See you again next year, when we'll happily swallow the hook you and T. Boone and a thousand points on offense against weak opponents tempt us again.

(Repeat previous sentence, edit and insert Mike Leach for Texas Tech's edition.)

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Comments

My understanding was that the Cardinal would be the ones getting the Marty Robbins treatment. Note to Stanfurdites: stay out of Rosa’s Cantina and if you must go in, wash your hands.

SC will be up here in the city in the Emerald Bowl, where Tommy Trojan will be appearing on stage at the End-Up. (You can’t get more butch than Tommy T.)

by Vandy J on Dec 14, 2009 2:31 PM EST reply actions

Not to be a hater or to seem like I drink Tresselball kool-aid, “Uh no thanks Jimbo, you can drink first and I will do it right after you I swear.” But you have to respect teams that go out and schedule tough non conference games. Look at Florida’s tough tough tough out of conference games. Charleston Southern, Troy, and Florida International? At least some teams put themselves out there.

Now back to mindlessly laughing at everything elase you write.

by Tricky Dick on Dec 14, 2009 2:37 PM EST reply actions

Everyone seems blinded by the shiny light coming from the Oregon offense and forgets that they have no discernable defense. I will reserve comment regarding tOSU and the puntrific offense that is Tresselball until after the Rose Bowl. I have a belief that the Buckeye defense may have more to say about the outcome than anyone is willing to give credit. Oregon looked pretty mortal vs. Boise and Stanford. A fact conveniently forgotten. I may be alone, but I like our chances to make our BCS bowl record 5-3.

by Crabapple Buck on Dec 14, 2009 2:40 PM EST reply actions

Oregon looked dead against Boise State, not mortal. But their offense didn’t look mortal against Stanford. Just their defense.

by Jonathan K on Dec 14, 2009 2:52 PM EST reply actions

I agree with you crabapple…The one thing I would say though is the offense has to move the ball and not go three and out…It puts way to much pressure on the D… we can play a great defensive game against the ducks but they are going to score (i.e. USC game) but I agree that I like our chances but we NEED offense!!!!! We are still waiting on the Pryor coming out party…hopefully this is it!!!

by Chi Town Tress on Dec 14, 2009 2:57 PM EST reply actions

and exactly what part of the Tressel Cycle do the rabbit pellets play?

also….Orson…..you are a bit young to be bandying about with geezer rock like Steely Dan….but I love ya for it nonetheless

by WarChiziken on Dec 14, 2009 3:04 PM EST reply actions

Tricky, FSU is out of conference and put up almost as tough a fight as FIU. But rail away against UF’s non-con schedule if you must. You don’t have to respect a team that schedules 1 tough non-conference game when the rest of their conference is meh

by Kerwin4two on Dec 14, 2009 3:05 PM EST reply actions

Florida’s schedule works quite nicely, thanks, and its creator(s) should be credited accordingly.

No doubt, schedules get tougher when you play in title games.

by J-skool on Dec 14, 2009 3:08 PM EST reply actions

Oklahoma State only scoring 24 points on them was actually a sign that there would be deep trouble for Oklahoma State down the road

And yet, in contrast, Georgia Tech’s 24 points was not a retrospective of deep trouble for them at all in ACC play!

Sorry ACC, my mind cannot pass up a humorous observation.

by Tim James on Dec 14, 2009 3:23 PM EST reply actions

But the OkieState game did let the announcers trot out the party line on Joe Cox that would be rammed down our throat all year: “what a great story Joe Cox is.” I’m thinking that when a 5th year senior gets his first shot at the big time, you’ve got problems.

Also, Cincinnati Bearcats go on the road to favored, yes FAVORED and possibly ranked 21, Rutgers and win in a barn burner. Turned out that would be the script for the entire season.

by ohiodawg on Dec 14, 2009 3:27 PM EST reply actions

Shit, Weis should be glad he works for a more patient man. I would have booted his ass immediately after the game and made him walk back from Ann Arbor. I didn’t his being aggressive by passing, but low-percentage deep passes? TWICE?! No, no, no.

by Harris on Dec 14, 2009 3:29 PM EST reply actions

Thank You Very Much Dept:

OS ->Thanks a lot for giving USC top billing on this post, and reminding me of the satisfying win over the Ohio State Univ.

I do not care that USC’s bowl is so irrelevant this year that going to Northern California for the Nut Bowl, is being confused for the world famous Sun Bowl in border town Texas el Incomplete Paso.

Though USC did not get anywhere near the Rose Bowl this year, it will be a fun game, with the Ducks giving Tressle and Co a quack attack. (no Crabs, it was not much fun being on the receiving end of that beating.)

by Stacy Kiebler Luvs Me on Dec 14, 2009 3:32 PM EST reply actions

Dumb and Dumber Dept:

I do not know who is dumber:

a) The ND administration that gave Pear Bryant a 10-year contract, or

b) Pear Bryant screeing himself game after game against teams with less talent.

by Stacy Kiebler Luvs Me on Dec 14, 2009 3:34 PM EST reply actions

“stopped the clock not once, but twice down the clock. "

Fucking do this shit better!

by Jason on Dec 14, 2009 3:35 PM EST reply actions

If USC spends the holidays in El Paso they’re going to find it incredibly difficult to play in the Emerald Bowl in San Francisco.

Mind you, there are plenty of reasons why they could go to El Paso afterward. It would be typical of this past season’s play-calling. It’s an opportunity to think about what could have been. But perhaps most importantly, it’s close enough to Juarez that should Harbaugh happen to fall prey to a couple of gang-bangers visiting their cousins and end up in a ditch, there’s an angelic aura of plausible deniability.

by dc trojan on Dec 14, 2009 3:35 PM EST reply actions

fixing typos again…

b) Pear Bryant SCREWING himself…..

by Stacy Kiebler Luvs Me on Dec 14, 2009 3:36 PM EST reply actions

Gibberish. Get off the shit Man… a sad shell.

by Jason on Dec 14, 2009 3:42 PM EST reply actions

@ #2

Yeah Ohio St sure does play a tough out of conference slate. Navy, USC, Toledo, New Mexico State. Wait a minute, a service academy, two bottom feeders, and one good team? Is Ohio St’s out of conference schedule really that great?

What difference does out of conference schedule make? OSU sos 50. Florida sos 8. Nuff said.

by Tractorr on Dec 14, 2009 6:54 PM EST reply actions

I’m sorry, but I can’t hear any shit talking from anyone who didn’t even win their own conference. You’ll have to speak louder until you’re at least the best team in your own conference before ragging on mine.

by jschairb on Dec 14, 2009 7:00 PM EST reply actions

Orson-

Jacory Harris still has that manbear charisma that can impregnate women who merely brush him. CANES BITCHES!

Oh, and I like our chances vs. Aflack. I agree with Crabapple, we need the fucking offense to show up. Otherwise, it’ll be a long night for me at Hooligans.

by idahobuckeye on Dec 14, 2009 7:02 PM EST reply actions

fuck this….lets get an EBSBS.com Bowl Challenge and lets see which commenter knows his stuff, conference loyalty be damned cuz Miles aint beating JoePa

by Mr. Pelican Pants on Dec 14, 2009 8:08 PM EST reply actions

PP, you might want to check Miles’ record in bowl games since he’s been at LSU. He’s wiped the floor with four straight coaches who have, at one time or another, been given the “genius” tag (Did Charlie Weis deserve it? Obviously not). And I’m pretty sure each of those teams was higher ranked than LSU going in. OK so you live in Louisiana but hate LSU. Like, really hate them. We get it.

by 4.0 Point Stance on Dec 14, 2009 11:08 PM EST reply actions

#5,

I don’t think the Vest will be extremely worried about getting Pryor a “coming out party”. Ohio State should first worry about running the ball at those small Oregon defensive linemen. Do what Arizona did, perhaps.

#22,

That’s great and all, but when has the “genius” tag ever been applied to Joe Paterno? He’s just an old man who crapped his pants on national TV.

by ReadingRambler on Dec 15, 2009 12:46 AM EST reply actions

Call bullshit on the claim that Oregon cannot play defense.

Oregon total defense: 32/120 in the NCAA.

Ahead of both teams that beat Ohio State (USC – 43, Purdue – 68), and ahead of 6 of the 11 Big Ten teams.
Also ahead of Navy, New Mexico State, and Toledo.

Even without correcting for the fact that we play offense on the West Coast, Oregon’s defense is better than most of Ohipo State’s opponents.

Our offense was comatose against Boise State, but that offense (#8 in the land) was held to its lowest point total of the season by the Ducks. Stanford’s offense: # 13.

The best offenses OSU faced all year were Wisky and Penn State, both in the thirties in terms of total offense ranking.

The Buckeyes also had their way with NMSU (#120), Navy (#84), Illinois (#50, ably coached by that kinkajou),
Indiana (#70), Purdue (#53), Minny (#113), Iowa (#93), and Michigan (#53).

Oregon will present the highest rated offense that OSU has seen all year, and one of the three best defenses.

SoS: Oregon #9, Ohio State #39.

But yeah, the Buckeyes’ defense totally kicks ass in a way that Arizona State (#12), or Arizona (#21), or Utah (#20) don’t. Riiiight. Don’t get me wrong, I think OSU has a very good defense. But ours ain’t bad, and ours has been tested by some really potent offenses this season.

by AZDuck on Dec 15, 2009 5:15 AM EST reply actions

Michigan vs. Notre Dame was a tell for a LOT of things to come…Just how bad Michigan’s defense was vs. how BAD the Fatted One would roll around and wallow in his own Mensa “shit for brains” attitude towards the college game….Put Tressel and Weis on the same collegiate team – if their egos could handle it – and you might actually have a pretty unstoppable duo….

by MIRuss on Dec 15, 2009 10:57 AM EST reply actions

Before talking shit about Florida not winning their conference, I would take a good, long look at my 10-2 record and my loss to Purdue in my milquetoast conference of mediocre offenses that make defenses in conference look “dominating”.

No commenter from the Big Ten should be allowed to talk shit about any other conference until the Big Ten wins two Rose Bowls and proves it deserves an automatic BCS bid more than a Boise State’d Mountain West conference.

by wfguiteau on Dec 15, 2009 11:12 AM EST reply actions

#22, the SEC (except for Spurrier) is JoePa’s bitches.

by M1EK on Dec 15, 2009 2:29 PM EST reply actions

I’m a Buckeye alum and the EDSBS take on tresselball is fucking hilarious and spot on. great stuff.

Watching Tresselball is like watching my kids eat their vegetables; it’s painful to watch and there’s lots of yelling and screaming involved, yet in the end it produces positive results (mostly).

by Doug on Dec 15, 2009 10:52 PM EST reply actions