HOWARD SCHNELLENBERGER'S TOP 25

by Orson on Dec 8, 2009 2:32 PM EST

1. Suspenders. They just don't stop doing their good work.

2. Road flares. Been savin' me money on electricity for years, and they light a pipe like no one's business.

3. Roberta Flack. Ah, Roberta. Quite something in her day. I'd keep talking, but a gentleman never makes sweet love for someone in all possible variations on a catamaran off Key Biscayne for three days straight and tells.

4. White Pepper. It's the spice of stealth.

5. Wrigley's Juicy Fruit Gum. Great flavor, and doesn't lie about what it is. (Blackjack Gum. Hrmph. Tastes nothing like blackjack, and I'm a man who knows.)

6. The Lincoln Town Car. Drives smooth as a dream both on and off the sidewalk.

7. Lawn darts. Don't know why the rest of you bother with those tiny darts. I like mine to hit the board with authority, son.

8. Robert Mitchum. I'd have him higher if he weren't so feminine.

9. Turfman's Constitutional Suppositories for Vim and Vigor.

Glycerine, scotch, and benzedrine all in one convenient suppository. You could follow the directions, but I tell you, they're just as good when you avoid taking the Kansas City route with 'em and just pop them in the ear. Another fine product from the makers of "Turfman's Scotch for Bowling, Nondenominational Holiday Parties, and Emergency Rural C-sections."

10. Dian Fossey. Gotta respect a man who dies doing what he loves: being hacked to death by poachers.

11. Smarties. They've kept me cancer-free for going on 70 years now. Take seventy of them a day and you will be, too.

12. Herons. Win a staring contest with one and it's good luck. Choke one to death, though, and you've got free bait.

13. Manual transmission. A man should, at minimum, have to do three things in life with both hands: drive, work, and masturbate. I'd rather ride my mule to work, and frequently do.

14. Hail. It's life's way of making you sympathize with lottery balls.

15. Pocketknives: Those sand fleas just don't dig themselves out of your urethra.

16. Elevators: Because apparently some of you she-men can't just drag the top floor down to meet you.

17. Nicaragua. Great country. Eventful country. Volcanoes. Good for lava fishing. If you have to ask, you'll never know.

18. Worcestershire Sauce. Put three drops in your eyes in the morning and you don't even need to turn on the wipers when it rains.

19. A Smart Set Of Pantaloons. On young ladies riding horses and young boys bringing drinks.

20. Wooden legs. Conversation pieces, handy weapons, and rolling pins in a pinch.

21. Glass bottom boats. Like a convertible you drive upside down on water, but works a whole lot better than trying to do that. (Trust ol' Howard here.)

22. The Toyota Yaris. Gonna buy two and make 'em fight. Winner gets to be my new offensive coordinator.

23. Control top panties. They're honest and thoughtful.

24. Breadfruit. You're just a magic marker, two eyes, and a mouth away from having the best friend you'll ever have. You'll cry when you cut him open to get at the fragrant meat, but life's about contrasts.

25. SMU.

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Comments

This doesn’t happen without excellent drugs. It’s not physiologically possible.

by Bobby Decatur on Dec 8, 2009 2:43 PM EST reply actions

Possibly his best ballot yet. The Toyota Yaris one was CHERCE.

by Golden Hand on Dec 8, 2009 2:43 PM EST reply actions

yo howie you forgot Carter’s mr rooster pills for when it’s time for cock-a-doddle-do…

by sonic beaver on Dec 8, 2009 2:45 PM EST reply actions

I’d put lawn darts ahead of Wrigley’s because nothing screams backyard fun and products liability like a toy that’s modelled after an deadly effective medieval weapon. But I’m just quibbling. Oh, and bravissimo.

by haveagreatday on Dec 8, 2009 2:49 PM EST reply actions

I’ve been stayin up nights worrying about Schnelly and his sand flea problem. Mystery solved. I can sleep again!

by im lloyd dobler on Dec 8, 2009 2:55 PM EST reply actions

I’ve already fallen into a deep depression that the off-season draws nigh. How I will miss the batshit insanity of this segment.

by CA Dawg on Dec 8, 2009 3:18 PM EST reply actions

DIAN FOSSEY IS A MAN!??!?!

by Skin Patrol on Dec 8, 2009 3:21 PM EST reply actions

Is it just me or is Schnelly beginning to sound like the Dos Equis “Most Interesting Man In the World”?

by Paco on Dec 8, 2009 3:21 PM EST reply actions

This segment is soooo much better than The Digital Viking. He IS the Digital Viking.

by Brizzle on Dec 8, 2009 3:26 PM EST reply actions

I thought USC will still be ranked around 10 in his poll at least

by Nordeezy_SC on Dec 8, 2009 3:26 PM EST reply actions

caused an audible response. I wouldn’t call it laughter. Is there an acronym for Ahhhrrrghgghhuueewwwwaahahah Out Loud? I think AOL is taken.

by lowercase on Dec 8, 2009 3:29 PM EST reply actions

and I was so hoping “defensive tackles with unpronounceable names” was going to make the list this week. Shucks

by WarChiziken on Dec 8, 2009 3:38 PM EST reply actions

#7, Dian Fossey did not have to wear her ovaries on the outside because she had already had a lot of balls.

by Anonymous IV on Dec 8, 2009 3:59 PM EST reply actions

@#9 – you are clearly crazy. I love Schnelly but the Digital Viking is pure gold. Its like a survey course on manliness.

by HailtheViking on Dec 8, 2009 4:14 PM EST reply actions

I laughed so hard at 18, I hit my head on a bookshelf.

by Harris on Dec 8, 2009 4:35 PM EST reply actions

Actually, SMU at #25 is not that far fetched, since they put up a better fight against TCU than everyone else in the MWC (except Air Force).

by diamondm on Dec 8, 2009 4:38 PM EST reply actions

@Paco. I agree. A cross between that guy and Colonel Gentleman from the Venture Brothers.

by Cincy's Dad on Dec 8, 2009 4:51 PM EST reply actions

I wish more of my family members read this blog so that way they would understand why they have white pepper, juicy fruit and smart set of pantaloons in their stocking. Well, at least I will have a good laugh on Christmas Day.

by Wes Tex on Dec 8, 2009 5:03 PM EST reply actions

It’s always great to hear from the man-miral of Task Force Testosterone! Give ’em hell skipper!

by alagator on Dec 8, 2009 5:06 PM EST reply actions

Where is the love? it’s in schnellenberger’s pants, barely being restrained by his suspenders

by NU Wildcat Offense on Dec 8, 2009 5:10 PM EST reply actions

Sadly, #22 should read Defensive Coordinator, my was it an atrocious unit to watch this year.

by Schnellyade on Dec 8, 2009 8:13 PM EST reply actions

Can Howard post his top 25 poll during basketball season as well?

Seems like a waste we only get his wisdom 4 months out of the year.

by tailgate shogun on Dec 8, 2009 8:38 PM EST reply actions

Tortoise shell condom used to rank up there until it went overboard in Key Biscayne.

by blazin on Dec 8, 2009 10:42 PM EST reply actions

With TWO hands? Damn, I must have been doing it wrong. All those years wasted!

by JD on Dec 9, 2009 2:38 AM EST reply actions

Ahhh…The Schnelly Top 25 how I have longed for its return, and much like Roberta Flack’s lady bits, I was not disappointed. In fact I was left craving even more.

by ccrider on Dec 9, 2009 11:20 AM EST reply actions

O., this edition of Schnelly’s top twenty five was quite entertaining…please email me the name of your pharmacist…I, too, would appreciate more of your brand of crazy.

by sb on Dec 9, 2009 2:31 PM EST reply actions