HOWARD SCHNELLENBERGER'S TOP 25

schnellenberger

1. Suspenders. They just don't stop doing their good work.

2. Road flares. Been savin' me money on electricity for years, and they light a pipe like no one's business.

3. Roberta Flack. Ah, Roberta. Quite something in her day. I'd keep talking, but a gentleman never makes sweet love for someone in all possible variations on a catamaran off Key Biscayne for three days straight and tells.

4. White Pepper. It's the spice of stealth.

5. Wrigley's Juicy Fruit Gum. Great flavor, and doesn't lie about what it is. (Blackjack Gum. Hrmph. Tastes nothing like blackjack, and I'm a man who knows.)

6. The Lincoln Town Car. Drives smooth as a dream both on and off the sidewalk.

7. Lawn darts. Don't know why the rest of you bother with those tiny darts. I like mine to hit the board with authority, son.

8. Robert Mitchum. I'd have him higher if he weren't so feminine.

9. Turfman's Constitutional Suppositories for Vim and Vigor.

Glycerine, scotch, and benzedrine all in one convenient suppository. You could follow the directions, but I tell you, they're just as good when you avoid taking the Kansas City route with 'em and just pop them in the ear. Another fine product from the makers of "Turfman's Scotch for Bowling, Nondenominational Holiday Parties, and Emergency Rural C-sections."

10. Dian Fossey. Gotta respect a man who dies doing what he loves: being hacked to death by poachers.

11. Smarties. They've kept me cancer-free for going on 70 years now. Take seventy of them a day and you will be, too.

12. Herons. Win a staring contest with one and it's good luck. Choke one to death, though, and you've got free bait.

13. Manual transmission. A man should, at minimum, have to do three things in life with both hands: drive, work, and masturbate. I'd rather ride my mule to work, and frequently do.

14. Hail. It's life's way of making you sympathize with lottery balls.

15. Pocketknives: Those sand fleas just don't dig themselves out of your urethra.

16. Elevators: Because apparently some of you she-men can't just drag the top floor down to meet you.

17. Nicaragua. Great country. Eventful country. Volcanoes. Good for lava fishing. If you have to ask, you'll never know.

18. Worcestershire Sauce. Put three drops in your eyes in the morning and you don't even need to turn on the wipers when it rains.

19. A Smart Set Of Pantaloons. On young ladies riding horses and young boys bringing drinks.

20. Wooden legs. Conversation pieces, handy weapons, and rolling pins in a pinch.

21. Glass bottom boats. Like a convertible you drive upside down on water, but works a whole lot better than trying to do that. (Trust ol' Howard here.)

22. The Toyota Yaris. Gonna buy two and make 'em fight. Winner gets to be my new offensive coordinator.

23. Control top panties. They're honest and thoughtful.

24. Breadfruit. You're just a magic marker, two eyes, and a mouth away from having the best friend you'll ever have. You'll cry when you cut him open to get at the fragrant meat, but life's about contrasts.

25. SMU.

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