THE SEC CHAMPIONSHIP GAME BET, 2009

by Orson on Dec 3, 2009 10:50 AM EST

Last year Todd ended up singing "Higher" by Creed, a truly painful moment for music, art, beauty, and most especially Todd and anyone who listened to Todd sing it. Make a bet that Alabama will win, though, and pay the price--which Todd did like a man who lives up to his wagers.

This year, in an effort to top the agony of having to sing Creed, we only have one song that we could agree on as being so horrible, so intolerable, so completely excruciating to the ears and soul that it could stand up to the wager. It is a tale of fucking mutant animals, killing agents of the federal judgment, alcoholism, and dodging creditors. It is, without a doubt, one of the worst pieces of musical and lyrical excreta ever squeezed from the foul colon of Satan himself.

It is: "Rocky Top."

We're pretty sure that by singing lead on this over a karaoke track we will force our bodies to instantly grow a chinstrap beard. A straw hat may appear from thin air, as well. We're willing to take that chance in the name of forcing Todd to sing this ode to cromagnon living and bear/cat sodomy in the name of football, though. If you'll excuse us, we have to set out for the Alabama team hotel with a towel soaked in pure swine flu virus, because we can. Not. Lose. This. Bet. (Seriously: we might rather paint our bait and tackle to look like Big Al and post pictures on the internet rather than do this.) (And now someone is actually going to make this bet.) (EXPECTO HORRIBILIUCUS!)

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Orson and Todd:

Isn’t the purpose of a bet to have a winner and a loser – because in this bet, we’re ALL losers. As far as your proposed painting project, let’s let TCOAN weigh in on whether or not it’s really “Big” Al.

by BamaTaxMan on Dec 3, 2009 10:57 AM EST reply actions

this song should be donated to a fire

by collegegameballs on Dec 3, 2009 11:00 AM EST reply actions

I think a bullet would be preferable.

by DrB on Dec 3, 2009 11:03 AM EST reply actions

Even Kiffin couldn’t think of a brilliant promotional idea than this: rival fans having to sing Rocky Top

Either way, thanks for promoting the Vols!!

by ecuamerican on Dec 3, 2009 11:10 AM EST reply actions

Don’t forget (or let Todd forget) to add in the “wooo” part after “down on on rocky top”. It’s not on that recording, but the song just isn’t complete without it.

by gosouthgohard on Dec 3, 2009 11:12 AM EST reply actions

When you hear us sing it any concept of “promotion” will evaporate, sir.

by Orson Swindle on Dec 3, 2009 11:14 AM EST reply actions

If you’re trying to inflict maximum pain on the general populace, don’t go leaving out the “woo!” like the fellas in that YouTube clip did.

Though I would recommend doing one’s best to imitate chinstrap guy’s tuneless-hillbilly-yell singing style.

by Blog Goliard on Dec 3, 2009 11:15 AM EST reply actions

(Darn, was beat to it by #5. Well played, sir.)

by Blog Goliard on Dec 3, 2009 11:16 AM EST reply actions

Me thinks your bait and tackle would look more like Uga than Big Al.

by Silver Britches on Dec 3, 2009 11:18 AM EST reply actions

Yeah, I’m expecting a few choice expletives will be improvised during either rendition. I hope it’s filmed or recorded for our viewing pleasure

by ecuamerican on Dec 3, 2009 11:21 AM EST reply actions

I actually like the song, although that’s probably because every time I hear it, I end up standing on a bar stool with both birds flying and yelling “Fuck you rocky top! Whoo!”

/classy bammer

by Tater Salad on Dec 3, 2009 11:22 AM EST reply actions

Three things:

1) While the Osborne Brothers are well past their prime (and playing too fast because they’re tired of that song), both they and Rocky Top rule.
2) Tennessee’s official fight song is “Down The Field,” which only people who grew up watching the Bill Battle Show still remember.
3) @5, the woo! comes after “good old Rocky Top,” not “down on Rocky Top.”

/From the same county as Holly, but the hillbilly end of it, not the Oa Kridge end.

by Golden Hand on Dec 3, 2009 11:24 AM EST reply actions

Only terrorists and fags add the Woo

by etsuVol on Dec 3, 2009 11:28 AM EST reply actions

When ’Bama beat UT in ’92, I sat under the dorm window of a girl who was a UT fan from Oak Ridge, and played “Rocky Top” on the harmonica until things were being thrown at me.

It’s a wonder I escaped a war crimes tribunal.

However, the Osborne Brothers are always a welcome addition to Thursdays.

by Vandy J on Dec 3, 2009 11:33 AM EST reply actions

@Golden Hand:

I just hear it as “blaaah blaaaahh Rocky Top (wooo)” so I was giving my best guess.

by gosouthgohard on Dec 3, 2009 11:34 AM EST reply actions

I’m a Bama fan but I love this song.

It’s written well, it’s performed well, it’s not boring, and the lyrics are actually quite funny. What’s not to love?

oh ya, that UT co-opted it. Well, that sucks but you can’t blame the song for that, it’s not its fault.

by Stu from Tuscaloosa on Dec 3, 2009 11:50 AM EST reply actions

Wait a minute. It sucks that the Vols have co-opted it, but the song’s a classic. And the federal agents not getting back down from RT…I always thought of that as a good thing.

by ohiodawg on Dec 3, 2009 11:56 AM EST reply actions

Jevon Kearse definitely has the trunk to pull off the elephant look. There’s more than one reason they called him The Freak.

by chaimy4life on Dec 3, 2009 12:05 PM EST reply actions

Times have changed in those southern hills. Today it’s more like Copperhead Road than Rocky Top. But I do enjoy a good singing of Rocky Top, which I’m sure would leave Orson and Todd out.

by SC_Eer on Dec 3, 2009 12:17 PM EST reply actions

I don’t think you should be allowed so simply sing Rocky Top. That’s too easy.

You should have to sing it while doing your best Whitney Houston impression (and I don’t mean crack and spousal abuse).

Or Slipknot. I don’t know what would be more embarrassing.

by Kecalf Bailey on Dec 3, 2009 12:29 PM EST reply actions

just for the record, my vote was for macarthur park.

by kleph on Dec 3, 2009 12:46 PM EST reply actions

rocky top is clearly the best of the sec songs. no contest, really.

by ed on Dec 3, 2009 12:50 PM EST reply actions

What’s wrong with creed? should I not look for you guys at the reunion show?

by Jerod Mayo's Area Code on Dec 3, 2009 1:17 PM EST reply actions

@ #13, so thats why all of you do it, huh?

by PeterPumpkinhead on Dec 3, 2009 1:20 PM EST reply actions

- that’s what I was thinking. Must’ve been a whole lot of fags and terrorists at Neyland when I was there to watch UGa whip the Vols.

/furtively wondering if I accidentally “woo’d”

by ohiodawg on Dec 3, 2009 1:30 PM EST reply actions

And that guarantees that TN wins.

by Alex P in Smyrna G on Dec 3, 2009 1:54 PM EST reply actions

Oh, Orson—if we find you hanging from an I-20 overpass in Atlanta at around 8 EST Saturday, we will know you took the easier way out.

by Counter Trap on Dec 3, 2009 2:15 PM EST reply actions

Floppy cock, you’ll always be, hung straight down to my knee,
BIG OLD floppy cock, floppy cock to my knee….

by Big Head Zach on Dec 3, 2009 2:24 PM EST reply actions

Thanks for playing some good music on the site. It’s a nice change from the screaming Germans and metal bands readers are normally subjected to.

Btw, I hate the Vols and everything else about their program.

by chg on Dec 3, 2009 3:21 PM EST reply actions

Greatest fight song in all of sports. That is all.

by Vol on Dec 3, 2009 3:48 PM EST reply actions

jeezus fuckin christ…. if you have to subject anybody or anything other than your showerhead to this godforsaken song, at least do it in a parody style…. like maybe Bob Dylan singing it or Trent Reznor

me I would do Lou Reed….nobody does “I don’t give a fuck – style” like Lou

by WarChiziken on Dec 3, 2009 3:57 PM EST reply actions

“Greatest fight song in all of sports. That is all.”

Fight songs do not have mandolins or “fiddles”. That is all.

by Counter Trap on Dec 3, 2009 4:20 PM EST reply actions

@30:

Ed Sullivan and Nikita Kruschchev respectfully disagree.

by Big Head Zach on Dec 3, 2009 4:45 PM EST reply actions

Add to that John Wayne, Gregory Peck, scores of commanding officers approaching Normandy Beach, and your mom.

Also, singing Rocky Top in space will cause the Earth’s magnetic field to weaken, allowing harmful solar radiation to slowly kill all organic life on the planet.

by Big Head Zach on Dec 3, 2009 4:48 PM EST reply actions

Good choice for guaranteed misery to the vocalist/bet loser. That accursed music is the reason I will forever detest Peyton “Leopold” Manning for hamming it up baton in hand with the Pride of Vol-Landers in Legion Field postgame circa 1997, as if shredding Bama’s secondary for three hours was not bad enough. Turtle-headed motherfucker. But for the urge to conduct Rocky Top, he probably would have stayed in the dressing room and I could enjoy his accomplishments of today. But no-o-o-o-o-o.

by Grampaw Fug on Dec 3, 2009 4:50 PM EST reply actions