DOLLAR BILL DOUG PICKS: RIDE THE GOLF CART OF DOOM
by Orson on Nov 27, 2009 11:05 AM EST
53 comments
Dollar Bill Doug put down the turkey leg and vodka long enough to file this week's edition of his picks. Enjoy, provided you're not too busy kidney-punching an old woman in a Target for a slightly discounted Rock Band: Roxette Special Edition..
It's a relevant image, we swear.
RISK LEVEL 1: Having that extra scoop of mashed potatoes even though you're already so full you're about to barf.
Georgia Tech -7 vs. Georgia, 8 p.m. Saturday
It's Rivalry Week in most of the major conferences, and the theme of the week is a time-honored Thanksgiving staple. No, I'm not talking about turkey, stuffing, or togetherness; I'm talking about rage, the kind of seething resentment you can only feel toward family members you don't actually like but will end up stuck in close quarters with this week anyway. That pretty much sums up Georgia and Georgia Tech, barely 60 miles apart and filled with loathing for one another at all times -- no more so than this year, as Georgia is playing the part of the handsome, popular older brother who just lost his job and is having to move back in with his parents (wow, does that sound familiar?) while Tech is the perennial dork all of a sudden on the verge of making it very, very good and determined to stick it to big bro.
Anyone who (like me) saw Georgia's collapse against Kentucky last week should be scratching their heads at why UGA is only a touchdown 'dog to Tech in Atlanta this weekend. Yes, Georgia's run defense has improved immensely compared to 2008's late-season disaster, but the secondary is ripe for a pillaging from Tech's Josh Nesbitt, who'd be getting mad Heisman love if the Heisman voters were capable of looking past the top three teams in the BCS standings; yes, Tech's secondary stinks, but against UK, Joe Cox showed he's just as likely to heave one up to one of their defensive linemen.
If the Bulldogs keep the final margin within single digits, then they've surpassed the fan base's expectations by leaps and bounds. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm behind on my Nicolas-Cage-in-"Leaving Las Vegas" impression. Think I can drink myself into a coma by Saturday evening?
RISK LEVEL 2: Being seen with Jimmy Clausen in a public place
Ole Miss -8 at Mississippi State, 12:20 p.m.
Dan Mullen's first year amongst the downtrodden and yearning denizens of Starkvegas has gone much better than expected -- four wins, including two in SEC play, and a couple more instances in which they put monster scares into heavily favored opponents -- but over the past couple weeks it's begun looking like Mullen's gotten as much out of his '09 squad as he can. MSU got crushed at home by Alabama's defense, then shelled on the road by Arkansas's offense, and they limp into the Egg Bowl to host an Ole Miss team that's won five of their last six and should be feeling pretty good about themselves after stringing together two meaningful wins for the first time all year.
State's defense, ranked next-to-last in the SEC, is primed to get trampled by Dexter McCluster (430 net rushing yards in his last two games, which makes me wonder when "McCluster'd" is going to become as big a part of our lexicon as "Croom'd" was); MSU has a decent counterpunch in its arsenal in Anthony Dixon, but Dixon stands to meet a lot more resistance from the Rebels' front seven, which allowed neither Tennessee nor LSU to go over 100 total yards rushing. Particularly after last year's 45-0 bloodletting, it should be apparent that Houston Nutt isn't above running it up on the Rebs' hated in-state rivals when he thinks he's got bowl scouts to impress; there's every reason to think Mullen will fashion State into a revenge-capable outfit eventually, but there's just as much reason to think Ole Miss will be able to put more than a single touchdown's worth of distance between them and MSU this time.
RISK LEVEL 3: Disobeying your dad and screwing around on the slide
Clemson -3 at South Carolina, noon Saturday
It's become a cliché at this point, but that doesn't make it any less true: The Gamecocks suck out loud in the month of November, to a degree that even Steve Spurrier has not made a lick of progress in reversing the trend. Over the past five seasons, Carolina is 6-10 in November and an even more shocking 1-3 against Clemson, and if the Ol' Ballcoach can't get it turned around soon, a guy named "Dabo" is going to start speaking of him the same way Spurrier talked about Phil Fulmer all those years.
Nearly five full seasons into the Spurrier era, the Gamecocks still have no running game to speak of, which means this game is almost certain to end up in the hands of Stephen Garcia, and whether they admit it or not, that's probably not where SC fans want it to be. Garcia has improved his decision-making immensely compared to last season but still has four picks in his last three games, and will be going up against a pass defense tied for second in the nation with 20 interceptions. Barring some miracle turnaround in the Gamecocks' late-season mindset, Dabo goes to 2-0 against the Evil Genius this weekend, and South Carolina gets reduced to haggling with Georgia over who gets to go to Shreveport for bowl season and who gets to go to Birmingham. If you can find a more depressing sentence written about SEC football this year, be my guest.
RISK LEVEL 4: Buying tickets to the national-championship game if you're a TCU or Cincinnati fan
Image is of no relevance whatsoever. We swear.
Arizona -3.5 at Arizona State, 3:30 p.m. Saturday
When even Dennis Erickson is saying stuff like "The good news is, there's only one game left," you know the vibes are not good in Tempe. Riding a miserable five-game losing streak and just bounced out of the bowl picture by UCLA, the Sun Devils have little to play for other than state pride, but the ASU student body apparently can't even defend the gold "A" on the mountain outside their stadium, so maybe pride has gone straight out the window too.
There is reason for the Sun Devils to hold out hope -- the suspiciously skimpy line on this game probably has to do with the emergence of the formidably named Samson Szakacsy as ASU's QB and an excellent defense poised to frustrate a Wildcat attack that will be without leading rusher Nic Grigsby. But the Sun Devils have gotten off to agonizingly slow starts over the course of their five-game slide, getting outscored by a total of 103-31 in the first halves of those games, so there's a high likelihood they'll be placing the burden of a big comeback on Szakacsy, who will be making only his second career start. By the end of this season, Sun Devil fans may be hoping Erickson's next golf-cart jump doesn't quite make it over the volcano.
RISK LEVEL 5: Making fun of Uga VII's death to a Georgia fan's face (seriously, we've got nothing to lose at this point and will dismember a bitch)
Kentucky straight up vs. Tennessee, 7 p.m. Saturday
Kiffin's Kids earned a bowl invite with last week's win over Vanderbilt, but otherwise the Vols are whistling past the graveyard this week -- they let Vandy hang around all the way into the final minutes of the game and have every reason to be worried about their prospects of stretching their win streak over the Wildcats to 25. (Which is the longest streak any one team in Division I-A holds over a single opponent now that Navy appears to have fashioned a leash and dog collar for Charlie Weis).
Tennessee's linebacking corps has been injury-decimated to the point of starting sophomore walk-ons, and it's showed -- they've allowed 691 rushing yards over the past three weeks, including 282 to Mississippi's Dexter McCluster alone, and guess what, Kentucky's Randall Cobb possesses a good portion of McCluster's considerable skill set. Between Cobb and running back Derrick Locke, last seen scooting around Georgia's front seven like they were traffic cones, Kentucky has never had a better chance to get back at the Vols than they will this Saturday. The swagger and mental edge that comes from having whacked a rival team 24 straight years still counts for something, but if you're really feeling blessed this holiday season and want to take a risk, put some cash on the Wildcats to pull the upset.
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25 years blah blah blah.
Would a Kentucky win really be an upset if they aren’t getting any points?
by benzduck on Nov 27, 2009 11:41 AM EST reply actions
When are you ever going to reach Risk Level X I Actually Put Money On the Game Instead Of Just Running My Mouth?
by Joshua on Nov 27, 2009 12:20 PM EST reply actions
Level XI Dept:
How ’bout these two higher levels:
Level XI – I Actually Put Money On the Game…. – Against the Wishes of TCOAN
Levle XII – I Actually Put Money On the Game… – Money From Jr.’s Piggy Bank
by Stacy Keibler Luvs Me on Nov 27, 2009 12:47 PM EST reply actions
You’re gonna have to repeat that, Josh, my head was buried between Holly’s sweater kittens and the sound of your voice was muffled by their pillowy softness.
by Doug on Nov 27, 2009 1:02 PM EST reply actions
Ooooopsss Dept:
Ok, here is the revised version, after reading the fine print that was right up FRONT (!#!$):
How ’bout this higher level:
Level XI – I Actually Put Money On the Game…. – Against the Wishes of HOLLY
by Stacy Keibler Luvs Me on Nov 27, 2009 1:33 PM EST reply actions
I know it’s early, but this weekend has been a great one so far. Texas were scared, and ’bama are down 2 TDs early to Auburn. What will FSU and Nevada do?
by softbatch on Nov 27, 2009 3:11 PM EST reply actions
1. Really good to see college pranksters are still doing there thing with the repainting of the A.
2. Josh Nesbitt for Heisman, I love it.
3. UGA isn’t the popular older brother who is well liked. He’s the former popular student turned pot head no good who got fired from his job at Zaxby’s because he was dealing out of the back door.
by Brian on Nov 27, 2009 3:12 PM EST reply actions
You don’t just walk into Peden Stadium and expect to come away with the MAC East Championship.
by BocaHuskyUWowl on Nov 27, 2009 3:23 PM EST reply actions
It wouldn’t hurt to take the points every now and then.
by Chg on Nov 27, 2009 3:38 PM EST reply actions
Hey Vols do get Lamarcus Thompson back tomorrow, so, you know, the journey of something something begins with a single step…
by etsuVol on Nov 27, 2009 3:47 PM EST reply actions
On the radio broadcast for the Iron Bowl, the on-field reporter asked Saban a question about how Auburn’s offensive tricks were affecting their players. Saban responds along the lines of “Well, we expected that it’d be a real shitshow. Pardon my language.” Nick Saban dares the FCC to charge him one of their puny “fines.”
by Hobnail Boot on Nov 27, 2009 4:16 PM EST reply actions
Nick Saban is probably the only person that people in Alabama would allow to use a word like “shitshow” on live broadcasts. And I’m sure he knows that. Cocktails to him.
by JD on Nov 27, 2009 4:21 PM EST reply actions
Isn’t Auburn supposed to be the team that runs a high-frequency offense? This is a terrible 2-minute drill.
by softbatch on Nov 27, 2009 5:57 PM EST reply actions
Malzahn and Chizik are lucky that Les Miles set the fuck-up bar so high last week. This was just a garden-variety fuck-up compared to that.
by JD on Nov 27, 2009 6:33 PM EST reply actions
Nick Saban doesn’t have time for this shitshow.
Seriously, Auburn’s offense today was run by some 11 year old with an XBox and a copy of Madden 10.
by Vandy J on Nov 27, 2009 7:16 PM EST reply actions
And somehow said offense scored 21 points on Alabama. If some sort of incompetence is required to score on Saban, then Addazzio might just hang half-a-hundred! Oh, Baldy Man, Urban reveals why he has kept you around…
by cantcatchuf on Nov 27, 2009 7:31 PM EST reply actions
Auburn continues the tradition of a meerkat offense fucking up a two minute drill. Any offense that has to check with the sideline every time in the middle a snap count fails because they can’t think for themselves. No huddle does not equal hurry up.
by Crabapple Buck on Nov 27, 2009 7:37 PM EST reply actions
Congrats to the barn on the moral victory and possible berth in the Papajohns.com Bowl!!
Aim High you crazy plainsmen/tigers/eagles/booger eaters!!
RM’fnT!
by crimsonbarrister on Nov 27, 2009 7:56 PM EST reply actions
A defense that is utterly incapable of getting a stop late in a rivalry game?
Time management skills that cause Les Miles to double up in laughter?
That’s our Gene!
Congrats to Bama. As a Horn fan, I know what it’s like to go on the road into an incredibly hostile environment, against an opponent that has a permanent jihad declared against you, take their best punch, and still manage to keep your wits about you enough to pull out the win in exciting fashion.
And it must be nice bonus knowing that your narrow win over an inferior opponent won’t be immediately labeled as evidence that you’re a BCS pretender who should be dropped behind TCU or Cincy or Boise.
by SteveInHouston on Nov 27, 2009 8:03 PM EST reply actions
Hey Doug, he doesn’t need to repeat it. You can just read it up there where he posted it. Congrats on your sexual exploits, though.
by PW on Nov 27, 2009 8:47 PM EST reply actions
@6 – do you have a phone number for said Zaxby’s? Everybody likes fried chicken and weed – UGA, not so much…
On Clemson/Carolina, predict Spurrier melts down and pulls off his best Woody Hayes coldcock aimed at Garcia. Jimmy flinches in South Bend. No one cares.
by IM A MAN IM FORTY on Nov 27, 2009 8:49 PM EST reply actions
Dollar Bill Doug,
Please leave the writing to Orson.
by Orson's Love Slave on Nov 27, 2009 9:15 PM EST reply actions
@steveinhouston
No worries. It’s better when the Horns are dismissed as lucky to be in the BCS. Just ask ‘the
best college football team evuh’. Let’s take care of the Huskers first and it will all fall into place.
by bevonyc on Nov 27, 2009 9:17 PM EST reply actions
Well if Auburn had one more week to prepare for a total of 3 weeks vs Alabama’s 3 days, it may have been closer.
by Mr. Pelican Pants on Nov 27, 2009 9:27 PM EST reply actions
@steveinhouston
What? like Texas vs A/M? It dont get much more inferior than Texas A/M…
by Mr. Pelican Pants on Nov 27, 2009 9:31 PM EST reply actions
MPP: Affirmative. Their football team has its problems too.
In all seriousness, the Ags have some excellent skill position guys. Fuller is a first round pick, and with a little more polish, Johnson could be as well. I like their RBs as well.
Christine Michael is going to make Horns weep for at least two more years. For some mystifying reason, Brown passed him over in order to recruit Chris Whaley who rewarded Brown’s faith by showing up 15-20 pounds overweight.
by SteveInHouston on Nov 27, 2009 9:45 PM EST reply actions
OLS, what is your problem with Doug? I think this is a pretty good weekly feature.
by PW on Nov 27, 2009 9:50 PM EST reply actions
1) PW, last week’s spitballing in the mag thread should get you up to speed.
2) THAT’S ENOUGH, DAVE WANNSTEDT.
by Holly on Nov 27, 2009 10:08 PM EST reply actions
Unranked Gators just beat #2 Mich St in men’s hoops!!! w00t!!
by MrRedDevil on Nov 27, 2009 10:08 PM EST reply actions
Bob Davie says that this situation is why Jarrod Brown sat behind Pat White all those years. I thought it was because White was better in every way possible…
by MrRedDevil on Nov 27, 2009 10:11 PM EST reply actions
Bill Stewart is barely competent, sometimes…
by MrRedDevil on Nov 27, 2009 10:17 PM EST reply actions
Bill Stewart doesn’t really know what just happened.
by cantcatchuf on Nov 27, 2009 10:18 PM EST reply actions
36 degrees and raining. Even if Boise St wins and is invited to a BCS game, half of their team will be long dead to hypothermia and pneumonia.
by cantcatchuf on Nov 27, 2009 10:23 PM EST reply actions
13-9 I’m tired of hearing about 13-9. Apparently, the Mountaineers were too.
Here’s a new number for you. 12-7
That’s Wf’nVU’s record against Pitt in Big East play.
It’s November 27, 2009, and PITT STILL SUCKS!
by SC_Eer on Nov 27, 2009 11:01 PM EST reply actions
Nevada cannot hang with the Idaho’s.
Does anyone here know why I’m experiencing Vertigo?
by Not the Mama on Nov 27, 2009 11:04 PM EST reply actions
Based on the way these rivalry games are turning out, I am very, very nervous in regards to the GT UGA game tomorrow night…Nervous.
by Brian on Nov 27, 2009 11:16 PM EST reply actions
I think Doug’s trying his UGA reverse psychology on his pick against Tech. That way, even if he loses the pick, he still wins!
I think this game will be comparable to what we saw in the Iron Bowl today. I think we’ll see another shootout. Take the over.
by Farsider on Nov 27, 2009 11:43 PM EST reply actions
@ bevonyc: Time marches on…new “best college football team evuh” on its way to bury your past…see y’all in Pasadena.
by Texgator on Nov 28, 2009 1:09 AM EST reply actions
@16 +100 cocktails! come on Baldy Man, bring it! oops- that’s next week. Come on Baldy Man, put something together that can beat the 106th ranked defense in the nation (or some such ugly number quoted by Fowler earlier)
by TampaGatorGal on Nov 28, 2009 2:53 AM EST reply actions
Just as frenzied Aubie warriors had tied the legs of Alabama’s championship hopes to one bent palm tree and its arms to another as the tribal population shrieked for more blood, the walls of the palisade collapsed under the feet of onrushing elephants and the clarion call of Say-ban was heard triumphant across the land.
Or something like that. All Chizik-basherd your boxes of crow are ready for pickup at the front desk.
by Grampaw Fug on Nov 28, 2009 4:29 AM EST reply actions
heard throughout the state of Alabama (in a perfect South Park accent)
“DEY STOL OUR HEISMA!”
by WarChiziken on Nov 28, 2009 5:51 AM EST reply actions
#41
You were up until 5:51am and that’s the best you can do?
Ask any Alabama fan if they would prefer to have Ingram rack up 225 yards and lose the game or have Ingram be shut down and win the game. While Ingram winning would have been nice, it is just a side note to the real goal. That’s what happened yesterday, one more step. It’s a great feeling when you win a national championship, of course you being and Auburn fan I guess you wouldn’t know (unless you are at least 60 years old).
by Temujin334 on Nov 28, 2009 8:08 AM EST reply actions
@17. +100 cocktails for meerkat offense. I no longer have to call it “that goddam shit that Climpson does, where you think they’re gonna snap the ball, and instead they pop up and look at the sideline like a bunch of dumbasses.”
Auburn’s problem is that they NEVER run their offense without all that motion and audible crap before the snap, so they have no way of speeding up in a game.
by Golden Hand on Nov 28, 2009 9:25 AM EST reply actions
@42:
That shit Clemson USED to do. But then we fired Mike “Duke’s defense was very confusing” O’Cain.
by Awesome Bill from... damn doesn't rhyme... on Nov 28, 2009 10:39 AM EST reply actions
How bout them Gamecocks?
4th place SEC-east beats the tar outta the ACC atlantic champs. Sucks to be Clemson. You think they can get Tommy Bowden (and his daughter) out of retirement?
by Spiller3Heisman on Nov 28, 2009 8:16 PM EST reply actions
Must have been OPPOSITE week…
Like Risk Level 80elevenbillion: Getting advice from a democrat on anything…
by cookinandsmilin on Nov 29, 2009 4:40 PM EST reply actions
0 – 5… LMAO.
Stick to comedy, stay away from football.
by LOL on Nov 30, 2009 8:58 AM EST reply actions
South Carolina rushed 58 times for 223 yards, mangling the hell out of Clemson in the process, and will not be going to either Birmingham or Shreveport (more likely destinations include Atlanta, Memphis, and Nashville). And USC fans are fine with Garcia’s hands, who is second in the SEC in passing behind only Ryan Mallett, is 8th on USC’s all-time passing yards as a sophomore, and threw for three TD’s in this weekend’s game to lift his TD to INT ratio to a respectable, neither great nor terrible, 17-8.
Other than that, you seem to know what you are talking about re: South Carolina.
by SM on Nov 30, 2009 11:10 AM EST reply actions
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