A FLORIDA/ FLORIDA STATE THANKSGIVING
by Orson on Nov 26, 2009 11:58 AM EST
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They gather under the already ominously warm glow of a Florida dawn. GOODMAN TEBOW appoaches with GOODMAN URBAN in full Pilgrim gear. CHIEF BOW-DEN and his assistant JIM-BO await them.
GOODMAN URBAN: I bring you greetings and the gift of blankets, Chief Bow-den.
JIM-BO: I'll take those. My kids will love them. We thank you for the gift, and reciprocate with the gift of a turkey.
GOODMAN TEBOW: Thank you. We have enjoyed the previous five you have delivered on this day of thanks. This should be as delicious. Our people are grateful, despite your worship of graven images, which we find deplorable.
CHIEF BOW-DEN: WHAT'S HE SAY SON?
JIM-BO: NOTHING, DIDDY.
CHIEF BOW-DEN: I SAY THANK YOU SON.
GOODMAN URBAN: Does he think you're...
JIM-BO: If he does manage to hear you say something, I request that you call me "Jeff." It was just easier this way, and he hasn't noticed yet.
GOODMAN URBAN: Of course...(giggles)..."Jeff."
GOODMAN TEBOW: Do we have any further items to discuss?
JIM-BO: Well--
CHIEF BOW-DEN: WHEN WE GONNA GIVE THE SIGNAL FO' THA AMBUSH, JEFFY?
JIM-BO fumes, reddens at the cheeks.
GOODMAN URBAN: You know Goodman Spikes is on the perimeter. You wouldn't want us to tell him you're a witch, would you? Because we will.
JIM-BO: No, no, no. This is a day of peace. We will save the fighting and quarrel over our disputed land for another day, even though you took our land from us in a bloody and unjust campaign of thievery.
GOODMAN TEBOW: Agreed that we should eat in peace, Jim-bo. Let us give thanks.
CHIEF BOW-DEN: WHASSA BRONCO NAGURSKI A-SAYIN' THAR, JEFFY?
JIM-BO: HE'S GONNA SIGN WITH US, BUT ONLY AT THE LAST MINUTE JUST LIKE ALL THE OTHERS, CHIEF.
CHIEF BOW-DEN: OH, OH. GOOD WORK, TOMMY.
GOODMAN URBAN AND GOODMAN TEBOW giggle, cover their faces.
JIM-BO (flustered): A prayer, then, first in our native language, and then in your barbarous tongue?
GOODMAN TEBOW: Of course.
JIM-BO:
Pu'rke hvlwe liketskat,
ce hocefkvt vcakekvs.
Cem ohmekketvt vlvkekvs...*
GOODMAN URBAN: makes wanking motion
JIM-BO: That's it. This never works.
GOODMAN URBAN (mock-innocently): What? What?
JIM-BO: Dicks. We're taking the turkey and going home. AND YOU CAN KEEP THE BLANKETS BECAUSE I KNOW THEY'RE LOADED WITH WHATEVER WHITE PERSON SICKNESS YOU PEOPLE OOZE AT ALL TIMES. Oldest. Trick. In the book.
GOODMAN URBAN: Well, besides the ol' fake truce one. That was pretty good.
JIM-BO: /fumes
GOODMAN TEBOW: Fine. Like we don't know that turkey is loaded with some kind of swampweed that will make us crap like sick minks for three days. We'll take our blankets. We'll see you Saturday on the field of battle. Just remember one thing. You know what was here in Florida before you or anyone else?
JIM-BO: Malaria? Holland and Knight? What?
GOODMAN URBAN: Gators. Here before you, and here when you're gone. They hold the deed. We're just borrowing it until they take it back.
JIM-BO: /hustles CHIEF BOW-DEN away. You die. You die and you go to hell, Pilgrim assholes.
GOODMAN TEBOW: I forgive you for that.
GOODMAN: URBAN: Goodman Spikes! Witch! WIIIIIIIIIIIIITCH!!!
CHIEF BOW-DEN: WHAT? WHAT DID SPURRIER SAY, TERRY?
JIM-BO: We're leaving with our eyes intact, that's what he said.
They flee.
*It's Muscogee, okay? Apologies to the Creek speakers out there, and Happy Thanksgiving.
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Well goddamn, a Holland and Knight joke, smallpox blankets, and everytime I read GOODMAN, I read GODDAMN. Today is a fine day to be alive.
by Burritobrosshits on Nov 26, 2009 12:11 PM EST reply actions
I can’t be the only one who read that as “Goddamn Tebow.”
by Holly on Nov 26, 2009 12:14 PM EST reply actions
Also, I have a laptop on top of my fridge, reading about college football, as I work on my turkey. Does this mean I have a problem?
by Erik on Nov 26, 2009 12:34 PM EST reply actions
Erik, you should be frying that turkey my friend.
by InTheBleachers on Nov 26, 2009 12:40 PM EST reply actions
Not at all Erik, you have your priorities properly arranged…
by Philip on Nov 26, 2009 12:59 PM EST reply actions
I regularly fry the turkey back home, but one does not really want to be outside this time of year in Minneapolis. Also I have neither the equipment nor a nice patch of empty dirt.
by Erik on Nov 26, 2009 1:27 PM EST reply actions
Two things I am thankful for:
1. This post
2. A guy reading this post while fist sodomizing a turkey
Bravo, all. Happy Thanksgiving.
by dudis41 on Nov 26, 2009 1:27 PM EST reply actions
WHAT DID SPURRIER SAY, TERRY?
If only Bobby knew what had really happened to Spurrier. I’m thinking a Clarence-Darrow-at-the-end-of-Inherit-the-Wind type speech. “Much greatness lived in that man.”
Also, hurrah for Holland and Knight jokes. Are you sure you didn’t go to UF Law?
by Gator Bone on Nov 26, 2009 2:22 PM EST reply actions
Thanksgiving cooking tip: having EDSBS Live on in the background.
Still entertaining even if the episodes are “old”.
by softbatch on Nov 26, 2009 3:03 PM EST reply actions
Also read that as “goddamn Tebow.” I would think I could distinguish between the two, since I see “Goddamn (insert gator player/coach here)” much more than I see “Goodman”.
by Mattapherr on Nov 26, 2009 4:56 PM EST reply actions
Thats funny, my computer reads it as THAT GODDAYUM TEBOW.
by Mr. Pelican Pants on Nov 26, 2009 6:20 PM EST reply actions
Methinks that the Texas defense ate too much turkey this afternoon.
by cantcatchuf on Nov 26, 2009 9:47 PM EST reply actions
Texas A&M is being given a reminder that possession corners are a very bad idea.
by chg on Nov 26, 2009 9:48 PM EST reply actions
Is there a more accurate metaphor in history than Jimbo Fisher in a ridiculous get up holding a basket of yams?
by Counter Trap on Nov 26, 2009 10:38 PM EST reply actions
why is guy fawkes carrying tebow in a smallpox-infested blanket?
by PW on Nov 26, 2009 11:04 PM EST reply actions
Nice hate Swindle, there wasn’t enough of that around here this week.
Hope you & yours had a wonderful Thanksgiving wherever you are!
Good luck and best wishes for a safe return to Swindle Manor.
I’m drunk (up at 5AM to work the bird, 25 people in my house all day, my new TV didn’t arrive yesterday (FUCK YOU UPS!!!!) and did you see that crapastic lineup of NFL games today?), stuffed, and fortunately not traveling anywhere tomorrow.
So, in the spirit of the season, and to get my game face on . . . . . .
FUCK F$U!!!!!!!!
/sorry for the profanity
//I’m NOT sorry!!!
///may Saint Booby (and Jimbo) crap himself a little Saturday afternoon
by General Disarray on Nov 26, 2009 11:10 PM EST reply actions
Are there no hot, lesbian aTm fans?
Every time they score (which has been much more frequent than I was expecting) they show some ugly ass couple making out.
by Kecalf Bailey on Nov 26, 2009 11:34 PM EST reply actions
And then Colt McCoy said, “Get off my nuts, Tim Tebow.”
by Mrs. Saban on Nov 26, 2009 11:53 PM EST reply actions
@ 10
That’s pretty much how the turkey gets on your plate, except for the fist part.
http://www.halfsigma.com/2009/11/the-selective-breeding-of-turkeys-and-similarity-to-humans.html
Am thankful I’m not a “turkey inseminator”.
by SonOfBuckeye on Nov 27, 2009 8:24 AM EST reply actions
Just finished my 4am to 9am Black Friday shopping…and now get to enjoy this festive hate scenario…yea!
And it carries my all-time favorite EDSBS tag…EVAH! (God doesn’t care about football but he still hates Florida $tate)
SUCK IT NOLE$!
by zzgator on Nov 27, 2009 11:00 AM EST reply actions
OT, but
EAT SHIT PITT!!!EAT SHIT PITT!!!EAT SHIT PITT!!!EAT SHIT PITT!!!EAT SHIT PITT!!!EAT SHIT PITT!!!EAT SHIT PITT!!!EAT SHIT PITT!!!EAT SHIT PITT!!!EAT SHIT PITT!!!EAT SHIT PITT!!!EAT SHIT PITT!!!EAT SHIT PITT!!!EAT SHIT PITT!!!EAT SHIT PITT!!!EAT SHIT PITT!!!EAT SHIT PITT!!!EAT SHIT PITT!!!EAT SHIT PITT!!!EAT SHIT PITT!!!EAT SHIT PITT!!!EAT SHIT PITT!!! AND……..EAT SHIT PITT!!!
by TC#27 on Nov 27, 2009 11:06 AM EST reply actions
Was awful busy with the dinner preparations and the parents, but this made my week- along with the Holland & Knight joke! (already thoroughly covered)- and for this (and many things) i am thankful! THANKS Orson, Holly and EDSBS Nation (haha!) ugh, we’re all going into maudlin, over soused withdrawal as college futbawl winds down, ain’t we? sigh.
GO Gators!
by TampaGatorGal on Nov 28, 2009 2:35 AM EST reply actions
Just wanted to add that I, too, read the Lord’s name in vain before GCFOOE and the name of that guy who won’t be coaching Notre Dame next year.
Also, damn you Auburn.
by Gen. Stoopnagle on Nov 28, 2009 9:37 AM EST reply actions
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