MICHIGAN STATE PLAYERS STORM DORM IN DISPLAY OF TEAM UNITY, VIOLENCE

by Orson on Nov 24, 2009 2:57 PM EST

15-20 Michigan State players "stormed" a dorm at the campus of Michigan State University in an incident Sunday night, according to wire reports. The players hit women and men alike in the assault, so let it be shown that while there might be some tenuous link between domestic violence and football, the actual violence perpetuated by football players in this instance was free of any gender bias.

Where's my protein shakes, ma? I NEED MY PROTEIN SHAKES!!! FUCKING! PROTEEEEEEEEEIN!

The investigation into the matter is underway, and it's unknown how many football players were involved and what their specific roles were. The most important question, though: were they wearing ties when they did it?

UPDATE: Further news from The State News.com:

Brent Mitchell, a communication junior who said he was sent to Lansing’s Sparrow Hospital after being punched in the face, said some of the men wore ski masks, but others were recognized as football team members.

"I walked up and said, ‘It isn’t worth it.’ A guy with dreadlocks hit me and in the scuffle slapped, hit females to get them out of the way," Mitchell said.

Rich Rodriguez thanks you for the diversion of the local spotlight, slappy Spartans.

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Comments

This would never had happened if they had beaten ND. It is Charlie Weis’ fault.

by Crabapple Buck on Nov 24, 2009 3:06 PM EST reply actions

Shorter predicted Freep response: “UM players would have done something worse, except that they were at illegal practices. Rodriguez has a slight southern accent. Drew Sharp column to follow.”

by now_a_hoo on Nov 24, 2009 3:09 PM EST reply actions

I was hoping the “ties” link was to a clip of the panty raid from Revenge of the Nerds

by InScoresofOtherGames on Nov 24, 2009 3:13 PM EST reply actions

This demands a Freek masterpiece if anything does. I’m currently envisioning the slow-mo 300 fight scenes with women and mechanical engineering sophomores flying everywhere.

by Scotthany on Nov 24, 2009 3:16 PM EST reply actions

Yikes. Strange and unfortunate news.

In less serious, but more disgusting tales of horror from East Lansing, I once had a middle-aged and very overweight female Spartan fan barf her pre-game wine coolers all over me about 30 seconds after kickoff. It poured rain later, though, so it was fine.

by Ancient Chinese Secret on Nov 24, 2009 3:27 PM EST reply actions

It’s always good to see a team working this hard during the Fulmer Cup training camp season.

by DevilGrad on Nov 24, 2009 3:27 PM EST reply actions

Jason Whitlock Dept:

Perhaps Whitlock thinks the footbaw players that assaulted the nerds at the fraternity were fat guys depressed that they were not invited to the pot luck.

by Stacy Kiebler Luvs Me on Nov 24, 2009 3:35 PM EST reply actions

So did the students pull out a win in the second half like usual?

by fluffy_bunny_feet on Nov 24, 2009 3:36 PM EST reply actions

What an amusing weekend of college football antics.

And to think, none of them came from the Klan rallies in Oxford…

Ole Miss played ol’ bait and switch. “hey everyone, look over here!” then BAM, Michigan State’s running around slapping bitches.

by Leavitt Town on Nov 24, 2009 3:57 PM EST reply actions

oblig SPARTY NO!

by Erik on Nov 24, 2009 4:11 PM EST reply actions

Dear Brent Mitchell,

FYI your standard “I’m a nerd who thinks that punching men are rational” response of “It isn’t worth it” will never work. When you are bumrushed by angry, violent proned Spartans the best thing you can do is get into a ditch and lie flat.

Also if your “fraternity” is having a “potluck event” in a dorm you’ve got a whole host of problems other than getting popped by “a guy with dredlocks.” I’d start with why you’re calling your sorority a fraternity and why said organization is having a potluck that isn’t involving copious quantities of beer.

by InTheBleachers on Nov 24, 2009 4:17 PM EST reply actions

Easy there, big fella. At MSU, there’s at least a 50-50 chance that a “potluck event” actually involves pot.

by DevilGrad on Nov 24, 2009 4:25 PM EST reply actions

Somebody should have told these losers that Rod and Joe are going to be in Kalamazoo tonight… not East Lansing!

Although, I don’t know how any “Storm the Dorm” is going to top Utah State. That was… sad.

by Gen. Stoopnagle on Nov 24, 2009 4:42 PM EST reply actions

WTF!? Did they take anything? At least the Vikings pillaged when raiding.

by tzubear on Nov 24, 2009 5:01 PM EST reply actions

Considering the study cited by Slate is only regarding NFL teams, seems pretty obvious that the lack of a playoff system in CF is keeping our women safe.

by meatybob on Nov 24, 2009 5:03 PM EST reply actions

Except for the women in Michigan, that is.

by meatybob on Nov 24, 2009 5:04 PM EST reply actions

So, if MSU forgoes a bowl game, would this earn some Fulmer Cup points, since their season is over?

by Derrick in SD on Nov 24, 2009 5:07 PM EST reply actions

This may not be the time for levity (at this stage it’s all allegations, but if any of them have a basis in fact, any players involved should be off the team), but the commenters at that State News article provide:

“If you ever find yourself being attacked by an MSU football player, just yell "Wheel Route" and you’ll quickly find yourself being left all alone.”

by SpartanDan on Nov 24, 2009 7:27 PM EST reply actions