CURIOUS INDEX, 11/23/09

It's like that now. Lane Kiffin did this accidentally.

Lane Kiffin is full of Super Mario Star Power at the moment, having topped Vandy after a dodgy start on Saturday and today receiving the news of Janzen Jackson's charges in the Great Filling Station Hold-up. Yes, the Vols' best player involved with the incident did get off without any charges, but he was in the gas station, and if you don't believe two guys were stupid enough to rob someone with their friend standing in line inside, then you clearly did not grow up in the South.

HERE'S YOUR PRIZE PONY LOOK PONY PONY PONY. Colt McCoy broke the all-time record for wins by a NCAA quarterback by winning his 43rd over Kansas and Mark Mangino. Mangino congratulated him by saying he was the best quarterback he'd seen who'd ever pissed himself in front of the entire class in second grade, and was this really good enough to erase the memory of that undying humiliation, especially in front of his schoolyard crush Kelly Simmons? Are you happy now, Texas fans? WE MENTIONED YOUR PRIZE PONY LOOK THERE HE IS. He beat David Greene's record, the Georgia quarterback you couldn't pick out of a lineup and don't lie you could not.

We'll have none a your fancy Mafia killin'. Joe Paterno is supposed to say this even though his team lost to Iowa and Ohio State, but at least he's making an untenable argument with style:

"What do you want me to say?," Paterno asked reporters outside Spartan Stadium. "Pick us. Maybe I could get on the phone and call somebody and say, ‘you owe me one,’ or ‘you might find a horse’s head in your bed’."

Iowa fans, laughing, will simply get on the highway and begin killing random people until their demands are met. The weapon of choice will be Tyler Sash thrown from a window at high speed, and his strikes will be fatal and swift. Keep your fancy la cosa nostra codes and stunt-threats; random highway-killin's been good enough for the Midwest for decades now, and it'll do in this case, too.

Ginger Ninja allows opponent obvious clues. If you thought Lloyd Carr's motioning fullback indicating a run every time you saw it was bad, there's always Joe Cox's telltale feet, the same ones that boldly sprinted into the mouth of ignominious defeat on Saturday night.

In the shotgun, if Cox lines up with his feet square and shoulder width apart, he’s going to hand it off. If he lines up with his right foot a step behind his left, he’s going to pass.

Cox in the fourth quarter threw two picks, was at least partially culpable for one fumble, and very nearly coughed up another one despite the lack of sunlight in the night game in Athens. NINJA LEAVES SCENE BY BECOMING INVISIBLE. Cox is horrible, but his cohort in conference-leading INTelligence? Jevan Snead, who shares the lead for picks with the Ginger Ninja.

We will boo you on the beaches... Cal fans booed Tiger Woods at halftime, rattling him, and thus proving that golfers, through years of playing in complete silence, are the highest-paid toddlers on the planet. SHHHH YOU MIGHT WAKE HIM CAL FANS. You know how he gets without his binkie and nappies.

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