CURIOUS INDEX, 11/23/09

by Orson on Nov 23, 2009 9:41 AM EST Comment 26 comments

It's like that now. Lane Kiffin did this accidentally.

Lane Kiffin is full of Super Mario Star Power at the moment, having topped Vandy after a dodgy start on Saturday and today receiving the news of Janzen Jackson's charges in the Great Filling Station Hold-up. Yes, the Vols' best player involved with the incident did get off without any charges, but he was in the gas station, and if you don't believe two guys were stupid enough to rob someone with their friend standing in line inside, then you clearly did not grow up in the South.

HERE'S YOUR PRIZE PONY LOOK PONY PONY PONY. Colt McCoy broke the all-time record for wins by a NCAA quarterback by winning his 43rd over Kansas and Mark Mangino. Mangino congratulated him by saying he was the best quarterback he'd seen who'd ever pissed himself in front of the entire class in second grade, and was this really good enough to erase the memory of that undying humiliation, especially in front of his schoolyard crush Kelly Simmons? Are you happy now, Texas fans? WE MENTIONED YOUR PRIZE PONY LOOK THERE HE IS. He beat David Greene's record, the Georgia quarterback you couldn't pick out of a lineup and don't lie you could not.

We'll have none a your fancy Mafia killin'. Joe Paterno is supposed to say this even though his team lost to Iowa and Ohio State, but at least he's making an untenable argument with style:

"What do you want me to say?," Paterno asked reporters outside Spartan Stadium. "Pick us. Maybe I could get on the phone and call somebody and say, ‘you owe me one,’ or ‘you might find a horse’s head in your bed’."

Iowa fans, laughing, will simply get on the highway and begin killing random people until their demands are met. The weapon of choice will be Tyler Sash thrown from a window at high speed, and his strikes will be fatal and swift. Keep your fancy la cosa nostra codes and stunt-threats; random highway-killin's been good enough for the Midwest for decades now, and it'll do in this case, too.

Ginger Ninja allows opponent obvious clues. If you thought Lloyd Carr's motioning fullback indicating a run every time you saw it was bad, there's always Joe Cox's telltale feet, the same ones that boldly sprinted into the mouth of ignominious defeat on Saturday night.

In the shotgun, if Cox lines up with his feet square and shoulder width apart, he’s going to hand it off. If he lines up with his right foot a step behind his left, he’s going to pass.

Cox in the fourth quarter threw two picks, was at least partially culpable for one fumble, and very nearly coughed up another one despite the lack of sunlight in the night game in Athens. NINJA LEAVES SCENE BY BECOMING INVISIBLE. Cox is horrible, but his cohort in conference-leading INTelligence? Jevan Snead, who shares the lead for picks with the Ginger Ninja.

We will boo you on the beaches... Cal fans booed Tiger Woods at halftime, rattling him, and thus proving that golfers, through years of playing in complete silence, are the highest-paid toddlers on the planet. SHHHH YOU MIGHT WAKE HIM CAL FANS. You know how he gets without his binkie and nappies.

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Or, you know, Iowa fans could just let Adrian Clayborn off his leash and point him in the direction of various BCS suits. That’d probably be more effective.

by WhiteSpeedReceiver on Nov 23, 2009 9:51 AM EST reply actions

Between Cox and Tereshinski I’m seriously re-evaluating the name Joe at this point.

by JoeDawg on Nov 23, 2009 9:52 AM EST reply actions

I believe we need a coaching sanity scale similar to the Tebow concussion condition. With Giggity, Miles and Kiffin all showing signs of the true crazy, it’s going to be sort of crowded at the top, however.

by Counter Trap on Nov 23, 2009 9:58 AM EST reply actions

And when Joe Cox lines up at all, he’s in over his head. The second string qb, though, is only a very little bit bigger than my average size twelve year old daughter.

All the “best” serial killers are from the midwest, with Ohio kicking in a disproportionately high number, including the first woman.

by ohiodawg on Nov 23, 2009 9:59 AM EST reply actions

As somebody who’s lived in numerous regions…

“if you don’t believe two guys were stupid enough to rob someone with their friend standing in line inside, then you clearly did not grow up around humans. We welcome you to society after being raised by wolves”.

by Not You on Nov 23, 2009 10:02 AM EST reply actions

McCoy’s win sucks for advertising… There is a radio commercial that has David Greene saying, “This is David Greene and I hold the record for NCAA wins for a quarterback,” then he starts peddling truck liners or something… Funny thing is that commercial played this morning on sports radio when i was on the way to work…

by Cocky Scar on Nov 23, 2009 10:15 AM EST reply actions

Joe will get Michael Corleone on the phone and the people on the board the Fiesta Bowl will all get have eaten jars of salsa and really pointy Tostitos in their bed courtesy of the Nittany Lions.

As for the fighting Mangino’s, there will a run on Denny’s and Shoney’s in the greater Lawrence region as he tries to drown his sorrows in syrup, butter, sausage links and country fried steak.

Yum-O

by InTheBleachers on Nov 23, 2009 10:19 AM EST reply actions

Freek at his finest. I love the easter eggs that he slips in there.

I’m still chuckling at the End-of-Level-Flag-Lower-Via-Fist-Pound

by CincySooner on Nov 23, 2009 10:19 AM EST reply actions

That’d be half, not have. I swear I went to college, not just the community type a full blown 4 year institution.

by InTheBleachers on Nov 23, 2009 10:28 AM EST reply actions

Just shoot me in the fucking face now and get it over with because I can’t watch this tire fire of a season anymore.

by Silver Britches on Nov 23, 2009 10:36 AM EST reply actions

Hey, Orson, where’s that Cox-tell quote come from? I need to forward the link to Dave Wommack.

Man, those two freshman QBs that Georgia redshirted better be good, or they’re going to suck worse than this next year.

by Golden Hand on Nov 23, 2009 10:44 AM EST reply actions

Interesting quote on the Ninja. I don’t think I had noticed that before, but I will assuredly be watching for it against Tech this week.

That is, assuming of course I live to see this weekend. Who knew the four horsemen of the Apocalypse were named Nesbitt, Dwyer, Thomas, and Johnson? The Rapture can’t get here quickly enough.

by Red and Black on Nov 23, 2009 10:57 AM EST reply actions

@12 — It could be worse. You could have a Tech grad as your D coordinator (you know, the guy who gets paid to look for such things) who is apparently the only person capable of giving the Ninja an interception free game. See such tendencies maybe/kinda/sorta would have helped, you know with AJ Green out of the game and all.

by jd4au on Nov 23, 2009 11:12 AM EST reply actions

JoeDawg RE: the name “Joe”

You could always become “Broseph”. You’d be BroDawg.

Then again, the USC/Cal connotations might be unpleasant.

I like the sound of it, though.

by That 5.0 Guy on Nov 23, 2009 11:20 AM EST reply actions

Orson,

Thanks for throwing a bone to the boys from Baja Oklahoma. As tiresome as the faux outrage was, is that a window into the psyche of a typical Tejas fan?

by Farsider on Nov 23, 2009 11:21 AM EST reply actions

And in the shotgun, if Joe Cox lines up with his left foot in front of his right, Derrick Morgan will snap him in two.

Also, Joe Cox may suck but he scored two TDs on the Gator defense. They are getting lazy while Alabama is getting better (proportional to the clench in Saban’s sphincter, of course). I demand domination against a pathetic Florida State team.

by Tim James on Nov 23, 2009 11:34 AM EST reply actions

Tiger Woods is saddened and hurt by your boos and jibes. He will take his beautiful Swedish wife and sail away to warm tropical waters on his $22-million-dollar yatch until you apologize or Nike writes him another big check.

by SC_Eer on Nov 23, 2009 11:45 AM EST reply actions

@10:

Agreed.

Someone please just make the obese bully go away. Or at least beat the methed-up tigger trash that still celebrates the rape and murder of innocent people all for the cause of continuing to allow white people to own others as slaves for the “crime” of having more melanin in their skin.

Thank God for Hate Week.

by KennyGregoryRockThaCradle on Nov 23, 2009 11:48 AM EST reply actions

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZTyHPh-9kD8

Forward to 6:09…LSUFreek, I think your farking skills can be used here with Orson as Mel and either Colt McCoy or batshit crazy Texas fan as the paper boy.

by the ex-croominator on Nov 23, 2009 12:51 PM EST reply actions

@10

It’s a bad as I can ever remember. Even Ray Fucking Goff never lost to Kentucky at home. I want to claw my eyes to avoid witnessing what’s coming against GT.

by CA Dawg on Nov 23, 2009 12:52 PM EST reply actions

Wait…scratch that…ORSON as the paper boy, the rolled up paper as the EDSBS mag, and Colt as Mel.

by the ex-croominator on Nov 23, 2009 12:53 PM EST reply actions

Jack Woltz: Now you listen to me, you smooth-talking son-of-a-bitch, let me lay it on the line for you and your boss, whoever he is! Johnny Fontane will never get that movie! I don’t care how many dago guinea wop greaseball goombahs come out of the woodwork!

Tom Hagen: I’m German-Irish.

Jack Woltz: Well, let me tell you something, my kraut-mick friend, I’m gonna make so much trouble for you, you won t know what hit you!

by MrRedDevil on Nov 23, 2009 1:34 PM EST reply actions

GINGER NINJA COMMITS HARI KARI

http://sagamorejournal.files.wordpress.com/2009/03/harikari.jpg

by thedeuce69 on Nov 23, 2009 1:59 PM EST reply actions

Hi, I’m David Greene, and I sell insurance in Savannah with a bunch of ingratiated blue-bloods. Yes my life is as boring as a box of eggs, so I use drugs and alcohol to escape from my self created horror. Go Dawgs.

by Brian on Nov 23, 2009 2:36 PM EST reply actions

I was on the Farm on Saturday — the boos were indeed loud. The best part however, was Eldrick’s prediction that they would “own the second half . . . .” Oops

by JoePa's nephew on Nov 23, 2009 3:13 PM EST reply actions

“…f you don’t believe two guys were stupid enough to rob someone with their friend standing in line inside, then you clearly did not grow up in the South.”

Or anywhere else that produces a lot of guys named Nukeese or Earl.

by chg on Nov 23, 2009 7:46 PM EST reply actions

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