FACTOR FIVE FIVE FACTOR PREVIEW: COLORADO AT OKLAHOMA STATE

Welcome to our Factor Five Five Factor Preview of Colorado at Oklahoma State. The Factor Five Five Factor Preview examines the Thursday Night Game, the matinee where you get to feel the pre-boob and perhaps side boob of the college football week, but are thwarted when you go for anything below the belt. And with that bit of adolescent horror-memory, let's get to the real collection of frustrated adolescents, the Colorado Buffaloes and the Oklahoma State Cowboys. One has trouble scoring, while the other can score, but found out that it's not all it's cracked up to be in the teen movies and love scenes from contemporary stag films JUST LIKE THE HEALTH FILMS TOLD US IT WAS GOING TO BE.

Category one: Nebulous Statistical Comparisons of Dubious Validity. Colorado has lost ten games in a row on the road, a streak surpassed only by Washington Generic and Washington State With Vibrating Rings For Your Pleasure and Most Definitely Not Theirs. They rank last or next to last in passing efficiency, punt returns, fumbles lost, rushing offense, scoring defense, scoring offense, total offense, turnovers lost, and turnover margin. This team allowed Toledo to score over fifty points on them. This team attempted to stop for a busy crosswalk, hit the gas, and is now wondering why there is a screaming old woman embedded in their windshield. This team is horrible beyond any concept words can convey, and thus we resort to song. Terrible, excruciating Chinese song:

Dan Hawkins' recruiting is Chinese karaoke howl bad, and it is coming back for an encore thanks to the university being too broke to buy him out, meaning they'll be sending out the Weber State Men's Water Polo Team for another year of savage beatings at the hands of the Big 12, but without prize recruit Darrell Scott.

He overcame a two year delusion that he was a white water polo player, and transferred him to a school that would allow him to play football.

Oklahoma State, in contrast, is not Colorado.

Advantage: Oklahoma State.

Oklahoma State, You've Been Factor'd!

Category Two: Mascot: Oklahoma's Pistol Pete falls into the category of mascot only describable as "accidental grotesquerie." Is he going to awkwardly ask a young girl if she's had the menses yet? Did he hear tell of a mysterious half-cougar, half warlock creature that lived in the old abandoned mineshaft out yonder guarding a pile 'o Confederate gold, and is he going to tell you about it while staring at you just a bit too intensely? Is he second away from gunning your family down with a cold glint in his eye for no reason whatsoever? Didn't you last see his face bobbing down the street in a Spanish religious festival's procession that ended with dozens of spectators being burned alive by a collapsing bonfire?

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You datin' yet, sweetie? You're twelve. That's about right.

Ralphie is an ornery Buffalo she-bitch who tramples her own trainers and once threatened to charge Tom Osborne and the entire Nebraska team in the tunnel in a prior incarnation. Additionally, her meat when cooked would be low in fat, high in protein, and wouldn't taste like spoiled muscadine wine and cigarettes like Pete's would.

Advantage: Colorado.

Colorado, You've been factor'd!

Category Three: Aura. The passionate OSU fanbase will be on top of the Buffaloes tonight in Stillwater, a place constructed for maximum noise and proximity to the crowd, an important factor if you're going to be making enthusiastic fellatio gestures at the opposing team indicating their deep degree of suck.

Also, we remind you that Colorado is terrible and slow.

Advantage: Oklahoma State.

Oklahoma State, You've Been Factor'd!

Category Four: Names.

Oklahoma State: Ugo Chinasa, Daytawion Lowe, Patrick Hoog

Colorado: Zach Grossnickle, Maxwell Tuioti-Mariner, Douglas Rippy

Advantage: Colorado.

Colorado, You've been factor'd!

Grudges? Scores to settle? Sheer cussedness? Does it matter? Colorado has every reason to be able to steal this game in the intangibles category, because Oklahoma State has to be overlooking them on an oddly scheduled Thursday night game in mid-November against a sludgy, thin, banged up Colorado team with a rolling atrocity of an offense and absolutely zero chance of competing head-to-head with the Cowboys at any position. So every gutty, hunch-driven bone in your body is telling you to pick an upset. This is the gambling equivalent of "listening to your body" when you're hungry, because shockingly your body needs cupcakes, beer, and fried chicken, and not things that won't clog its circulatory system and leave you waiting for someone to bust out a wall and snake a tube down your throat for six weeks of an emergency liquid diet. If you're thinking this you are bored and belong nowhere near a bettin' window. (We're typing this as much for us as for you.)

Oklahoma State, you've been factor'd!

EDSBS FACTOR FIVE FIVE FACTOR PREVIEW SUM: 3-2, Oklahoma State, You've Been Factor'd! This game will be horrible, but between Gundy and Hawkins the Rant Potential Factor is through the roof, so if anything tune into the postgame pressers out of morbid curiosity.*

*Please note that an earlier tally erroneously granted mascot to OSU. This was an error, because counting to five is really, really hard.

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