CURIOUS INDEX, 11/19/09

by Orson on Nov 19, 2009 10:00 AM EST

Take a bow, Woody. From his comfortable, scarlet and gray bungalow in hell ("Heaven: too effeminate for my liking. Schembechler loves the place. Pansy.") Woody Hayes gets the necessary salute this morning, both for dotting the I in a smashing pair of grey slacks, but also for helping to create Urban Meyer, blessed be his name and his chins. Mille gratz, Coach Hornrims.

Everyone does that, sure. Mark Mangino can be rough, sure. This without context certainly qualified as "rough" talk to a player, with a possible toe across the line of baseline dignity infringement (even if Mangino were black, from a terrible upbringing, and saying this from a position of commonality.)

"Don't yes sir me, or I will send you back to St. Louis so you can get shot with your homies," Brown remembers Mangino saying.

What takes this quote from former Jayhawk Raymond Brown into the Asshole-o-sphere is that when Mangino said it, Brown's brother was recuperating from being shot in St. Louis. Mangino also threatened coaches with their jobs in front of players and generally behaved like a complete asshole to everyone and anyone around him. Defend it by saying "it wins games," and then look at 95% of all other coaches in the universe who do not act like complete assholes.

Partial assholes, cyborg performance evaluators without souls, hopeless charisma junkies (COUGH COUGH Houston Nutt,) fast-mumbling braheims, sparkle-eyed lunatics, outright con men, and earnest paternal types: they're alll part of the coaching ranks, yes. But how many of them are sold for spare parts the instant they hit a rough patch?

He chose...poorly.Zach Collaros failed to attend a mandatory diversion program required by the court that heard his fake ID citation in May, and should appear in court today to explain why/how that little oversight occurred. Collaros received the citation while presenting a fake Tennessee ID at a bar called "The Holy Grail" in Cincinnati. Advice for facing the judge today and surviving with your head intact and without receiving a maximum (though unlikely) 180 day jail sentence? The penitent man kneels.

Football r dum. If you know a heel who insists on the stupidity of football, just show them this and encourage them to fuck themselves with a route tree. (HT: Smart Football, of course.)

Mmmm, a delicious fisk. Besides foiling potential hotlinkers with pictures of a man exposing a good stretch of his lower intestine, the internet's oldest trick is the fisk, the line-by-line dismantling of a shoddy piece of rhetoric. It's old, it can be done very, very poorly, but fortunately BHGP is very good at it, especially when hitting up Maisel, who normally borders on the unfiskable.

Bonus Dog Strangulation Anecdote. In response to yesterday's post on how much harder Harvard/Yale used to be (you know, before tetanus shots, antibiotics, and padding ruined our fine sport,) Alasdair (a Harvardian himself) wrote in to let us know just how little of the hardness we really knew about. 1905 may have involved deaths, but 1908 got straight to pagan animal sacrifice. Jackie Sherrill, you ain't shit:

I saw your post on Harvard football being gangsta, and I must say that any discussion of turn of the century Ivy League football would be woefully incomplete without mention of Harvard coach Percy Haughton's motivation techniques before the 1908 game against the Yale Bulldogs. To wit:

"Legend has it that Haughton dragged a bulldog out before his players and strangled it before the wide-eyed disbelief of his players."

Considering Yale's other nickname is the Elis, I believe current Harvard coach Tim Murphy would probably have to choke a certain New York Giants quarterback before this week's game to even compete with his predecessor.

Don't answer the phone, Eli. Those Ivies are trixy, and you don't want your bleached white skull to become a prop in a Skull and Bones initiation ceremony before it has to. (And it will, Eli. Oh, it will.)

(ps. Strangling a bulldog in front of a horrified crowd isn't a big deal, as Florida does it in Jacksonville all the time.)

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You just poured salt on a severed appendage with that last line Orson. Geese.

by Afletic Dawg on Nov 19, 2009 10:10 AM EST reply actions

God bless Woody Hayes for putting the Michigan game at the top of the priority list of every Ohio State team’s goals. I can’t always remember how we fared in our bowl game in a particular year, but I know how we did vs. the weasels. BTW, I do remember 41-14, so I’m waiting for Pete Carroll’s karma train to stop in Gainesville.

by Crabapple Buck on Nov 19, 2009 10:15 AM EST reply actions

The more layers of Mangino that get exposed the stinkier and greaseballier it gets.

Throw an extra flag for the “homies” comment, Whitlock will dine on that like the side of beef he smothers in KC Masterpiece every night for snack.

Collaros’ fake ID, no biggie. Missing the pretrial intervention? Stupid.

At least we can now see Collaros would be a good fit at Tennessee post-Crompton. Do those 180 days count as his redshirt season?

by InTheBleachers on Nov 19, 2009 10:17 AM EST reply actions

Who among us did not expect Woody to knee the drum major in the crotch?

by Counter Trap on Nov 19, 2009 10:27 AM EST reply actions

It’s funny because his brother nearly died!

You know, I know all those pass drops and make all those reads, but having seen it written out like that, should I ever have to do it, I’m likely to just curl into the fetal position and begin weeping softly.

by Harris on Nov 19, 2009 10:32 AM EST reply actions

Oh for the days when a coach understood the value of a nice, sharp crease. No anonymous pleated khakis for Coach Hayes. You can bet those were a snappy pair of gabardine Bill Blass, hand-tailored with extra room in the crotch for the coach’s prodigious man-marbles.

by Harris on Nov 19, 2009 10:37 AM EST reply actions

Orson, something tells me that if you weren’t a Gator you would make an excellent Buckeye. Not sure what it is…the arrogance, your quick wit, the long vocabulary, attention to detail, distaste for rodents…but whatever it is you’ve got it, in spades.

by TAFKastOSUB on Nov 19, 2009 10:37 AM EST reply actions

Paul Johnson is envious of Coach Haughton.

by yoyofutbawl on Nov 19, 2009 10:41 AM EST reply actions

“Collaros received the citation while presenting a fake Tennessee ID at a bar called ‘The Holy Grail’.”

1.) Flashing a Tennessee ID is risky behavior in itself.

2.) The judge should ask Calleros "What… is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow? "
If he answers correctly, he skates on the charge.

by GamecockTony on Nov 19, 2009 10:46 AM EST reply actions

@ #7

You’re implying those are all traits held by the Buckeye faithful? I would beg to differ.

by wfguiteau on Nov 19, 2009 10:48 AM EST reply actions

I wonder what Hayes would think of Mangino’s scolding of his players…
The line between the two in that respect, I am guessing, would be thin.

by Kecalf Bailey on Nov 19, 2009 10:48 AM EST reply actions

@ #7:

Perhaps you were not a visitor of this site when Mr. Swindle’s guest editor, Subcommandante Wayne, was making regular appearances?

by rjsplow on Nov 19, 2009 10:59 AM EST reply actions

I never knew Vick was a Harvard man.

by Dan on Nov 19, 2009 11:01 AM EST reply actions

“Current Harvard coach Tim Murphy would probably have to choke a certain New York Giants quarterback before this week’s game.”

Eli will choke well enough on his own. Again.

by PalmettoTiger on Nov 19, 2009 11:02 AM EST reply actions

re: smartfootball – that’s why i really like the tailback angle route against cover 2. if the mike backer plays it “by the book” he should pedal away on the “flat” look and the back should have inside position on the slant and only has to break one tackle to get to the open field. good stuff.

by ed on Nov 19, 2009 11:03 AM EST reply actions

Collares should also be told that in the Latin alphabet ID starts with a “J”

by Kerwin4two on Nov 19, 2009 11:04 AM EST reply actions

@ #7 More importantly for his Buckeye fan interview: what is his accelerant of choice for burning a couch.

@ #9 African or European?

by Deguello on Nov 19, 2009 11:04 AM EST reply actions

Orson, thank you for the Indiana Jones reference. “Raiders” was my all-time favorite movie back when you could accurately calculate your favorite flicks by how many times you went to the movie house to see it. (16). I liked “Last Crusade” as well. The other two? Meh. Indy just isn’t right unless he is pursuing some relic of Judeo-Christian value in order to save it from Nazis. When he gets too “multicultural” it spirals pretty quickly (Aliens? Seriously?) Plus, who doesn’t like killing Nazis?

Also, excepting the last two years, it isn’t Florida so much strangling the Dawgs as much as it is the Dawgs choking themselves. But the last two years, yes, definitely.

GamecockTony: I believe the answer to the question is a question, no?

by Gen. Stoopnagle on Nov 19, 2009 11:09 AM EST reply actions

Judge: Mr. Collaros, the photo on your drivers license bears a striking resemblence to Nu’Keese Richardson.

- I’d bet the line between them isn’t so slim. If this stuff about Mangina is true, then that’s a quantum leap from “tough love.” Those comments are just hateful.

by ohiodawg on Nov 19, 2009 11:14 AM EST reply actions

Orson, my eyesight may be as bad as a $EC official, or a Big 10 official, but that sure looks like an “F” and not an “S” in your calligraphy. What gives?

by Fire Ron Guenther on Nov 19, 2009 11:19 AM EST reply actions

The f-looking S is a figure often found in old time calligraphy to substitute for an S.

by JoeDawg on Nov 19, 2009 11:23 AM EST reply actions

Swindle, the day is coming when the Tebow child will forsake you for the riches of NFL fullbackdom, leaving only Steve Addazio’s magnificent playbook and 11th year senior Brandon James. And we’ll be waiting.

Signed,

Bulldog fans

P.S. Believe us, we can stand around quietly waiting and doing nothing else for interminable periods of time. We learned it from Willie Martinez.

by MaconDawg on Nov 19, 2009 11:31 AM EST reply actions

- your quick wit, the long vocabulary, attention to detail

the above suprised me. apparently we can add sarcastic as well to buckeye traits

by DanF on Nov 19, 2009 11:52 AM EST reply actions

@20, @21. Typography. Calligraphy is that thing girls do with a fancy pen when addressing wedding invitations, and samurai do with a brush when writing their death poems.

by Golden Hand on Nov 19, 2009 12:01 PM EST reply actions

You do not talk that way about the great city of St. Louis, Mangino. You are fatter than Charlie Weis himself, you live in Lawerence, Kansas, you are in last place in a division including Iowa State and Kansas State, you lost to Colorado, and your life sucks.

by Ancient Chinese Secret on Nov 19, 2009 12:32 PM EST reply actions

@Gen. Stoopnagle,

The dawgs are choking themselves in the same sense that Private Pyle was choking himself in that scene from Full Metal Jacket. Unfortunately.

by Sean Glennon's Jersey on Nov 19, 2009 12:37 PM EST reply actions

Maybe Collaros can try this: “Your Honor, I got confused on the dates. Hey, we’re Orthodox Greeks and use the Julian calendar.”

by SC_Eer on Nov 19, 2009 12:47 PM EST reply actions

@22- What’s the UGA’s excuse the other 16 years in the recent 20 year run?
Heck, UGA’s got a better record against Tebow (1 for 4 = 25%) than the past 20 years overall (4 for 20 = 20%). UGA owns Tebow! (relatively speaking).

by Irwin Fletcher on Nov 19, 2009 2:24 PM EST reply actions

In all fairness, Mangino is trying to win a Kansas, maybe it takes a bit more asshole than other places.

Also, call my cynical, I really don’t think that Mangino is really any more “asshole” than any other coach. He has less tact. Gee whiz, the stunts that coaches have pulled like Switzer in his hey day or Osborne with Phillips, is having a temper really that big of a deal? What is worse, Mangino, or a coach who smiles at you while pulling your scholarship?

by meatybob on Nov 19, 2009 2:45 PM EST reply actions