WEEK ELEVEN PICKS, PRIUS EDITION

by Orson on Nov 13, 2009 5:14 PM EST

Image source: Clay Travis.

Holly's in transit today, so picks will just have to be up to yours truly. As we have no problem talking to the air itself, let's get this monologue underway without delay.

Florida at South Carolina. The grumpiest 9-0 fanbase in the nation heads to Columbia to face the man who initially allowed them to look at 9-0 in the SEC and be grumpy, Spurrier the White, the

THUNDERCLAPS SPLIT THE AIR LIKE THE HAND OF GOD ITSELF--

--AND ISN'T THAT APPROPRIATE PHRASING, ORSON. IT IS I, CRAZY OLD TESTAMENT GOD.

Orson: [checks schedule] Schedule change?

COTG: YES OF COURSE I WANTED TO TAKE TOMORROW OFF TO WATCH THE NOTRE DAME PITT GAME.

Orson: Um, got any tips on how that might turn out?

COTG: YOU KNOW THE ANSWER TO THAT. NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, EVERYONE LOSES IN THAT GAME.

Orson: Right. Wait, were that means you were working yesterday, right?

COTG: HAHAHAHA YES. YOU'RE WELCOME FOR THE THING IN KNOXVILLE. I THOUGHT THE PRIUS WAS A NICE TOUCH.

Orson: It was. Can we do this quickly?

COTG: OF COURSE. I WANT TO GET THIS DONE QUICKLY, TOO. I'M TALKING TO YOU FROM THE STEAM ROOM AND WANT TO GET DONE BEFORE CTHULHU OF VHOORI COMES IN AND STINKS THE PLACE UP.

Orson: I'd imagine he smells horrible.

COTG: THAT ISN'T THE WORST PART. HE DOESN'T WEAR A TOWEL IN HERE. YOU TRY APPLYING ENOUGH MINDBLEACH TO GET THE SIGHT OF A PENIS COVERED IN SPIKES AND EYEBALLS OUT OF YOUR HEAD. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE YOU'D START CIRCUMSCISING THAT THING.

Orson: I see.

COTG: SOME GUYS IN THE GYM DON'T UNDERSTAND YOU DIDN'T SIGN UP TO ATTEND A TAPING OF THE 'DONG SHOW' YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

Orson: ...

COTG: LAUGH. THAT JOKE KILLED IN SODOM. NICE PLACE. NEEDED REMODELING.

Orson: HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA! Quite funny!

COTG: SMITEY IS MY NAME AND MIGHTY IS MY POWER. NOW, YOU MUST FIRST PICK SOUTH CAROLINA TO BEAT FLORIDA THIS WEEKEND. SPURRIER IS A LOYAL FOLLOWER.

Orson: I can't do that. You know I can't do that.

COTG: YOU REMIND ME OF ABRAHAM. I ASKED HIM TO DO A FAVOR FOR ME ONCE.

Orson: Yeah, but that didn't happen, right?

COTG: NO BUT I ASKED THE SAME THING OF HIS NEIGHBOR, TOO. NO ONE EVER TALKS ABOUT THAT.

Orson: Who was that?

COTG: MEL FROM WEST GILEAD.

Orson: Did he sacrifice his child for you?

COTG: CHILDREN, AS IN MORE THAN ONE. THERE WERE LIKE ELEVEN OF THEM. I MEAN, I LIKE MY CIGARS, BUT EVERY NOW AND THEN---WELL, SACRIFICE IS THE WRONG WORD...

Orson: Yes?

COTG: MORE LIKE "WINGED THEM FROM HIS ROOFTOPS LIKE COW PATTIES."

Orson: ...

COTG: ....

Orson: I don't know what to say.

COTG: WELL, THAT'S WHY NO ONE'S EVER HEARD OF MEL FROM GILEAD, NOW ISN'T IT? HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW HE WAS GOING TO DO THAT?

Orson: It's not like you're God or anything.

COTG: YOU APPEAR TO BE DEFICIENT IN VITAMIN A. THE A STANDS FOR ANNIHILATION.

Orson: Who else am I supposed to pick here?

COTG: TAKE TENNESSEE OVER OLE MISS. THE SOUTH SHALL RISE AGAIN, BUT MOSTLY BECAUSE THE NEW MADRID FAULT IS LOOKING OVERDUE FOR A GOOD SOLID SHAKING.

Orson: And?

COTG: TESTINESS! ARIZONA OVER CAL BECAUSE I AM BUILDING MIKE STOOPS' HOPES ONLY TO CRUSH THEM MOMENTARILY, UTAH OVER TCU BECAUSE I SAID SO, AND OHIO STATE OVER IOWA BUT NOT BY MUCH BECAUSE I HAVE CURSED THE BIG TEN FOR THREE SCORE YEARS WITH AN OPTION FOR TEN MORE IF I CALL MY LAWYERS AND TELL THEM TO MAKE IT HAPPEN.

Orson: What did they do?

COTG: GARY BARNETT KNOWS WHAT HE DID.

Orson: Figures it would be him.

COTG: YES. I HEAR SCALES AND SMELL FISHY BRIMSTONE. THAT MEANS EYEBALL-DICK IS DRAGGIN HIMSELF IN HERE. MY SCHVITZ IS RUINED YET AGAIN BY THE OLD ONES.

Orson: I'm still not going to bet on South Carolina, even with our offense being as mediocre as it's been.

COTG: VERY WELL. SAY HELLO TO MEL FROM GILEAD FOR ME.

[SMITES Orson. Again.]

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Comments

I know that Pedialyte helps with the hangovers, but does it do anything for you if you’ve been SMITED? Or should that be SMOTE?

by A Clean Kick to the Facemask on Nov 13, 2009 5:22 PM EST reply actions

Grumpiest 9-0 fanbase in college football? Really?

Tell it to Greg McElroy…

by PeterPumpkinhead on Nov 13, 2009 5:24 PM EST reply actions

I knew I was in deep shit with Crazy Old Testament God this season when I ordered my Miami Redhawks media guide and got an annotated copy of the Book of Job in the mail.

by DevilGrad on Nov 13, 2009 5:25 PM EST reply actions

It’s like you took 1 part football commentary and put it in a blender with 2 parts old-timey vaudeville routine and 1 part Terry Gilliam.

by PeteJayhawk on Nov 13, 2009 5:28 PM EST reply actions

“I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHERE YOU’D START CIRCUMSCISING [sic] THAT THING.”

new challenge for Tebow….

by softbatch on Nov 13, 2009 5:36 PM EST reply actions

WINGED THEM FROM HIS ROOFTOPS LIKE COW PATTIES

+ 1,000 altars.

by dudis41 on Nov 13, 2009 5:36 PM EST reply actions

Ceiling Cat favors Ole Miss over Tennesse

by sober on Nov 13, 2009 5:52 PM EST reply actions

Is it just me or is anyone else having problems using the comment boxes? My lines don’t wrap in the window,
and I can’t see what I’ve typed once it goes past the edge of the box. If I put a hard newline, I can usually
control the way the post appears but occasionally it does trip me up with random line wrapping.

It’s possible this only started happening recently (upgraded to Ubuntu Karmic on my t61p).

Sorry to insert this metadata here, but would appreciate some stylesheet guru help or whatever this
is going to need. And on a related note, can we please get a preview box, Orson? Please? Pretty please?

by gamedaytribe on Nov 13, 2009 6:14 PM EST reply actions

Not just you #7 – same issue on Safari 4 on a Mac. Not a huge thing, as I don’t generally pay attention to anything i post on the OOOH LOOK GRASSHOPPERS!!

by Vandy J on Nov 13, 2009 6:20 PM EST reply actions

Thanks, Vandy J @ 8. Good to know it’s not just me, saved me some digging and nagging of
inappropriate people.

by gamedaytribe on Nov 13, 2009 6:47 PM EST reply actions

I’d like to thank COTG for towing my car from my own numbered space this morning. The scooter that took it’s place was a nice touch.

by JL on Nov 13, 2009 6:56 PM EST reply actions

and Tebus of Nazareth said “why has my Father foraeken me?”

by thetennesseethumper on Nov 13, 2009 7:13 PM EST reply actions

as usual, COTG has forgotten both Auburn and Georgia… it’s hell when he just ignores you

Orson – an extra strong high ball to you m’boy for the following:

YOU TRY APPLYING ENOUGH MINDBLEACH TO GET THE SIGHT OF A PENIS COVERED IN SPIKES AND EYEBALLS OUT OF YOUR HEAD.

SMITEY IS MY NAME AND MIGHTY IS MY POWER

YOU APPEAR TO BE DEFICIENT IN VITAMIN A. THE A STANDS FOR ANNIHILATION.

THE SOUTH SHALL RISE AGAIN, BUT MOSTLY BECAUSE THE NEW MADRID FAULT IS LOOKING OVERDUE FOR A GOOD SOLID SHAKING.

each quote appears to have been saved from your bender on cough syrup 2 weeks ago and frankly should join the pantheon of fine fine EDSBS T-shirts – gracias amigo

by WarChiziken on Nov 13, 2009 7:17 PM EST reply actions

I’m kinda disappointed we went this whole week without any post about the guy missing his pinkie from the UAT/LSU game….

by Mr Dizzle on Nov 13, 2009 8:13 PM EST reply actions

@ 12
COTG SMITES THEE WITH POOR SPELLING!!

/forsaken/

by thetennesseethumper on Nov 13, 2009 9:01 PM EST reply actions

Well done, Orson, well done…

by Mark on Nov 13, 2009 9:04 PM EST reply actions

Anyone watching Cinci/Wf’nVU?

Think the Big East is protecting its national title contender?

Maybe the SEC replay guys can have a good weekend and everyone can talk about that “TD” this week.

by PeterPumpkinhead on Nov 13, 2009 9:15 PM EST reply actions

@PeterPumpkinhead – ME ME PICK ME. If that was indisputable video evidence, my intramural flag football team is going to the Rose Damn Bowl.

by opsomath on Nov 13, 2009 9:22 PM EST reply actions

That was a touchdown. Trace the edge of the goalline up to the ball (unfortunately the line judge’s crotch is also an important point of reference).

I too have the comment-box issue, both on Mac and Linux. No Windows, because I hate America.

by Erik on Nov 13, 2009 10:04 PM EST reply actions

Ballgame. It ain’t over till it’s over, of course, but that was the game, right there.

by gamedaytribe on Nov 13, 2009 10:47 PM EST reply actions

@19. No. If the camera angle were straight down the goal line, then sure, but it was from a couple yards to the left, giving a false perspective. No way to know from that angle whether he broke the plane or not, and the replay ref had no business overturning that call. Oh, crap, I just agreed with Lou Holtz and Rod Gilmore.

by Golden Hand on Nov 13, 2009 11:19 PM EST reply actions

I don’t understand this at all. In this land of abundant technology, money and love of football, why hasn’t
someone invented a thing you embed in the football that alerts a sensor across the plane of the endzone
when said football crosses it?

I mean, egads, there’s money to be made, football gods to be appeased and tv announcers to be rendered
further irrelevant. In the name of all that’s holy, I ask you, America, how has this not happened yet???

by gamedaytribe on Nov 13, 2009 11:35 PM EST reply actions

Query: What makes Cincinnati unworthy of a title shot, as compared to Alabama, Florida, and Texas?

How many ranked teams has Texas played?

by ds on Nov 13, 2009 11:44 PM EST reply actions

@22. Actually, the technology exists, and doesn’t require the technological difficulty of a remote sensor in the ball that is accurate to a millimeter from 6 inches to 10 feet. It’s called a photo-finish camera; been used in horse racing since well before Man o’ War. Have a high-speed video camera aimed permanently right down the goal line, motion-trigger it, and you could get your camera angle that the teevee seems unable to provide. But the SEC replay refs would still find a way to screw that up.

by Golden Hand on Nov 13, 2009 11:57 PM EST reply actions

Out of conference schedule:

TEXAS

Lousiana-Monroe W 59-20
at Wyoming W 41-10
UTEP W 64-7
Central Florida W 35-3

That’s amazing. Add into that a flawed Texas Tech team and a complete disaster of an Oklahoma team and I understand why this juggernaut is headed for the title. Wow. What a goddamned joke.

by ds on Nov 14, 2009 12:00 AM EST reply actions

@22: The problems with that: reliability (with the amount of force applied to the ball at various times, you’d be lucky for the chip to survive two plays), accuracy (pinpointing the location to within a fraction of an inch is practically impossible, not to mention determining whether the player was down first or not), and cost. Not practical.

@23: The right answer: Nothing. Cincy deserves a shot (and will even more so after beating Pitt, assuming that they in fact do so). But you know perfectly well why they won’t get a shot. Texas has name recognition. Cincy does not. Texas started the season high in the polls. Cincy did not. This is why the polls need to die.

by SpartanDan on Nov 14, 2009 12:00 AM EST reply actions