BRANDON SPIKES SHOULD WORRY ABOUT HIS SHARKLIKE TENDENCIES

by Orson on Nov 13, 2009 1:47 PM EST

Tim Tebow uses Bible verses on his eyeblack, which crazy kidnapping rainbow wig guy did, and now they're connected. Check, check, and blog post done.

The principle is transferable to so many other things, though. For instance, take Brandon Spikes. He is a fierce linebacker, swimming through blocks and sniffing out plays other predatory linebackers miss. He's practically sharklike, we tell you. Sharks have a lot of positives traits. They kill things well. They never stop moving. They often RSVP for parties well before others and have a natural sensitivity to the issues of LGBT other fish don't have. They're sharks, they're proud, and you can't take that away from them unless you kill them and eat them. Then you've pretty much taken everything away from them, because you've eaten them.

Is this Brandon Spikes' future? With the right insane associative rhetoric, IT VERY WELL COULD BE.

Sharks, who are just like Brandon Spikes and vice versa, can do the same to you, and that's the problem. Sharks eat things randomly. You might see Brandon Spikes eating a license plate on the side of the road because it's shiny one day, and then what are you going to do, Florida fans? Let's not even get on the topic of what happens to pregnant sharks around other sharks.

A pregnant shark at a New Zealand aquarium was bitten by another shark, unexpectedly releasing four baby sharks as visitors watched.

An aquarium spokeswoman said stunned visitors saw the injured shark and alerted staff that they had also seen things float from the gaping wound.

What happens when Spikes finds shark love and then bites open his beloved because, well, he's a shark and that's what sharks do? Do you know how much shark day care costs? Or how strained your relationship with your shark in-laws will become, especially because sharks have such difficulty dealing with their emotions anyway? What about when he just begins attacking men who look like Robert Shaw? Do you know how many barrel chested sketchoid guys with mustaches there are in Florida? He'll never have time for football.

(If this does happen, though, Chuck Amato should grow a mustache, and someone should film this for the benefit of NC State fans.)

WHAT THEN FLORIDA FANS? We're just saying, he might want to switch to decaf, because then you'll be stuck with all these shark babies you can't eat at once, sharkbacker Spikes.

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Tebow Scared Dept:

Tebow should be scared of Spikes, because they eat their own, man, just like that shark that took a bite out of the other one that was preggers. BTW, Swindle, keep the missus away from Spikes. That player ain’t right.

by Stacy Kiebler Luvs Me on Nov 13, 2009 2:23 PM EST reply actions

Ergo, why I do not read deadspin anymore. Just dirty, dirty, dirty.

by meatybob on Nov 13, 2009 2:31 PM EST reply actions

Wait, are you referring to LGBT in general or LGBT fish? Because I ain’t ready for gay fish, man. I just ain’t.

by Harris on Nov 13, 2009 2:45 PM EST reply actions

And how do you survive a shark attack?? Poke its eyes out!

http://www.environmentalgraffiti.com/ecology/surviving-a-shark-attack-poke-its-eyes-out-and-its-jaws-will-loosen/1166

by crimsonbarrister on Nov 13, 2009 2:55 PM EST reply actions

You shame us, crimsonbarrister. We should have used that.

by Orson Swindle on Nov 13, 2009 2:59 PM EST up reply actions

It’s so funny to watch bloggers try to fit Christians into their worldview.

by Tim James on Nov 13, 2009 2:58 PM EST reply actions

See, Orson, missing the eye-poking reference is just the beginning of the end that happens when you consent to attend an Auburn-Georgia game. So sad, you had so much potential.

by zzgator on Nov 13, 2009 3:02 PM EST reply actions

No shame…just quietly trying to do my part…

by crimsonbarrister on Nov 13, 2009 3:04 PM EST reply actions

So you’re telling me that Brandon Spikes’ son will look like Sharko from Sealab?

by SH on Nov 13, 2009 3:10 PM EST reply actions

Way to go Orson…see what you’ve done with that blood, blood, blood tag?

http://news.aol.com/article/shark-bites-teen-surfer-off-coast-of-new/766482

by zzgator on Nov 13, 2009 3:11 PM EST reply actions

Maybe we can call the Florida defense the Landsharks. They can hold their hand on their helmet like it’s a fin. I think it works well for other teams who’ve tried it.

by poster poser on Nov 13, 2009 3:16 PM EST reply actions

@ TJ

In the big scheme of things, its not really a “Christian” thing, its just the notion that seems very prevalent nowadays that someone uses one individual (or in this case, one faux-connection between 2 individuals) to extrapolate about a whole segment of society.

I still don’t like deadspin though. And I still think that Jenny Sternger (sp?) is hotter than Erin Andrews, so what do I know.

by meatybob on Nov 13, 2009 3:19 PM EST reply actions

Yeah, too bad Spikes isn’t a singing shark…http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/the-singing-shark

by Philip on Nov 13, 2009 3:22 PM EST reply actions

Did any of you actually read the article? Besides the headline (headlines=devices to get page clicks), it in no way equates Tebow to rainbow boy. The boldest assertion made is from a Forbes article the hypothesizes that Tebow’s eyeblack has led to a revival of religious signs at sporting events, which leads to a discussion of the one guy who became famous doing this in the 80’s.

Really kind of an interesting bit of knowledge.

by Awesome Bill from... damn doesn't rhyme... on Nov 13, 2009 3:36 PM EST reply actions

Unlike Tressel, this site never lets me down.

Was Tebow wearing his WWJD bracelet when he asked Coach Meyer to call a few extree timeouts on the Dogs last year? Rubbing a dog’s nose in his own sh!t isn’t very JC-like.

by beebo on Nov 13, 2009 3:41 PM EST reply actions

Yes, Bill. But it does haphazardly grab for pageviews by shoehorning in Tebow clumsily, and that deserves a thorough sharkening.

by Orson Swindle on Nov 13, 2009 3:45 PM EST reply actions

As a matter of fact, Jesus would have given Moody the extra carries since he had been working so hard lately.

by Tim James on Nov 13, 2009 3:58 PM EST reply actions

For some reason, this discussion of unremorseful, tenuous shoehorning reminded me
of this bit of brilliance.

Causality Bites. :)

by gamedaytribe on Nov 13, 2009 4:18 PM EST reply actions

@ 14

Yeah, OK, I did half-ass it post-title. My bad. I still don’t like deadspin.

by meatybob on Nov 13, 2009 4:41 PM EST reply actions

This article wasn’t too bad, but, yeah, Deadspin really went downhill when Daulerio took over as editor. It’s now TMZ with the occasional bit of sports thrown in.

I’m no fan of ESPN, but the “exposé” Deadspin did a few weeks back of ESPN personalities’ rumored sexual escapades was pretty despicable.

I miss the old Deadspin.

by Fightin' Englishman on Nov 13, 2009 4:48 PM EST reply actions

I think that deadspin missed the more obvious, blatant connection – the crazy hostage dude and Tebow both wear pants – and have hair on their arms.

I’d say that settles the matter.

And meatybob – Lisa Salters is cuter than Erin. I’m glad we had this little talk.

by Fat Charlie the Archangel on Nov 13, 2009 4:51 PM EST reply actions

I think this is what Spikes would look like on Spore:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6G9ZmJhkP60

by Mr. Pelican Pants on Nov 14, 2009 8:31 AM EST reply actions

And I vote that Rolando McClain be considered for the role of The Best Velociraptor In Football…..its the claws, the keen sense of smell, and communication.

by Mr. Pelican Pants on Nov 14, 2009 8:38 AM EST reply actions