THAT’S WHY YOU DON’T HAVE A QUARTERBACK
Tennessee will graduate Jonathan Crompton next year, leaving Tennessee with no established successor to the Great Catfish under center. You can have your alternate theories, heel: blame the recruiting of Phil Fulmer or lack thereof, blame other quarterbacks simply not working out, blame the inability of Kiffin to snag a top-notch qb right out of the gate as a first-year head coach. (This being the least logical one means you as a fan will gravitate towards it.) All of these are missing the real cause of Tennessee’s quarterback shortage:
On different occasions and including July 26, the sports page has covered the fact that Coach Lane Kiffin had been having a tough time trying to find a top-quality quarterback to come to Tennessee that would be able to fit into his game plan.
I would like to offer a real possibility why he hasn’t been able to do so: 19 years ago, this child was killed by abortion, and so he is not here now available for recruiting.
Yes….BY TIME TRAVELING ABORTIONBOTS EMPLOYED BY THE SEC MUAHAHAAHAHHAHAH!!! You know all our secrets now, Tennessee. It’s part of the vast officiating conspiracy, which is co-funded by the SEC, ESPN, and the Elders of Zion. As we speak samples of Tim Tebow’s sperm are being turkey-basted into female sprinters in 1992, 95, and 98 in order to create an unbroken chain of succession between the Baby Rhino and his multiracial test-tube spawn. (Diversification is key; wouldn’t want it to be too obvious a ploy.)
(Auburn has the same project, but for some reason they chose to keep breeding different variations of Daniel Cobb over and over, including model 3.0, the “Chris Todd.” They must all smell like cookies or something.)
Daniel Cobb: his clones smell like cookies.
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1
der schatten says:
Just. Fucking. Wow.
November 11th, 2009 at 4:15 pm
2
karlhungus says:
The mere mention of Daniel Cobb makes me curl up in the fetal position.
November 11th, 2009 at 4:17 pm
3
Harris says:
I don’t . . . What . . . Is he . . . Owwww.
November 11th, 2009 at 4:18 pm
4
Signal to Noise says:
The audacity is impressive. The logic, not so much.
November 11th, 2009 at 4:18 pm
5
Holly says:
[head --> DESK] [head --> DESK] [head --> DESK] [head --> DESK] [head --> DESK] [head --> DESK]
November 11th, 2009 at 4:20 pm
6
Holly says:
…you know, that’s in letters to the editor, but it took me a minute to figure that out, because it’d be ENTIRELY FUCKING PLAUSIBLE for a KNS writer to publish something like that.
November 11th, 2009 at 4:22 pm
7
Erik says:
If a Notre Dame fan travelled back in time, would it be ethical to kill Baby Willingham, knowing the actions that the child would tkae in the future?
\GODWIN’d
November 11th, 2009 at 4:23 pm
8
bigthirsty says:
and thus this article –> http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,568528,00.html
finally makes sense to me
November 11th, 2009 at 4:25 pm
9
yoyofutbawl says:
This past Satidday, I watched a hell of a QB by the name of B.J. Coleman play against Happy Appy in Boone, NC. If his name sounds familiar, it[’s because Hello Kiffin ran him out of the program after beating out The Giant Catfish in the spring. Kiffykins felt he could get a top flight QB quicker if he wasn’t starting a soph.
He has an esseecee arm and two interceptions were bullets his receivers couldn’t hold onto. Brought them back from an 0-21 deficit to 20-21 before two late Appy TDs sewed it up.
Kiffy has no one to blame other than himself on this one.
November 11th, 2009 at 4:33 pm
10
Coop says:
Tennessee fans continue to make everyone else feel better about their own fanbase.
November 11th, 2009 at 4:39 pm
11
Boilerfan says:
At first I thought “he’d have to go back further than ‘92….” Then I realized how not young I am. Also, is driving a car older than juniors in college a bad thing?
November 11th, 2009 at 4:45 pm
12
Orson Swindle says:
Not if the car has a college junior in the trunk–WHAT?
November 11th, 2009 at 4:55 pm
13
Stacy Kiebler Luvs Me says:
Time Travel (SEC Officials Episode) Dept:
SEC officials should travel back in time…to…oh….let’s say TWO YEARS..and…
..get High Definition TVs to better review calls on the field during games?????
Instead of fining Urbster $30 grand to finance the cost of new sets for all games after the damage has been done?
Yes, Virginia, the SEC is that half-ass backwards, when 94% of the people living in the trailer parks have better TVs than the Zebras. (The rest are failed hippies who do not believe in technology either.)
November 11th, 2009 at 4:55 pm
14
Awesome Bill from... damn doesn't rhyme... says:
@yoyofutbawl:
Likewise, Clemson thanks Mr. Kiffen for dropping Tahj Boyd in their laps.
November 11th, 2009 at 5:02 pm
15
rjsplow says:
@ yoyofutbawl:
Don’t forget the left-over Fulmer QB recruit he basically rescinded an offer to because he felt as though the recruit wouldn’t fit the system. So he could have also had a redshirt freshman with a year in his system to at least provide some depth at the position this coming year.
Basically, Kiffin is the guy at the bar dissing and disregarding women who would go home with him that he believes are below him, holding out the somewhat delusional hope that some hottie will walk in right before closing time and need a ride home. Word from the wise: if you aren’t talking to her by midnight, you’re going home alone.
November 11th, 2009 at 5:10 pm
16
Brian O'Blivion says:
There should be another Colquitt punter clone being reproduced any minute now for Tennessee. Ya mean they didn’t have some Tee Martin clones lying around?
November 11th, 2009 at 5:12 pm
17
Blog Goliard says:
Coaches throughout the mediocre-to-good range fit their players to the system.
Great coaches collect the best players they can get and build a system around them.
Because strategery is less important and far more fungible than either the athletic ability or the heart of a champion.
November 11th, 2009 at 5:25 pm
18
Ted Valentine says:
I occasionally have to drive through Knoxville on business. Like this gem, I can never decide if the local sports talk shows (ALL VAWLS ALL THE TIME) are real or produced by The Onion.
November 11th, 2009 at 5:25 pm
19
bigthirsty says:
-Story about how abortion affects college football programs = hilarious
-Comments that miss the point = fucking hilarious
November 11th, 2009 at 5:40 pm
20
Golden Hand says:
My people, they are teh retarded.
November 11th, 2009 at 5:48 pm
21
RIP Logan Young says:
Ben Leard is insulted by this post, as it is his sperm that spawned Cobb, Cox, and Todd.
November 11th, 2009 at 5:48 pm
22
nosleevesdawg says:
@15
Kiffins wife is HOTTTT so, while I get the point, you probably should have found a different example.
November 11th, 2009 at 7:14 pm
23
yoyofutbawl says:
14/15
Thanks. Did not know that about Tahj. Once dacoachO gettabildafensroundmemfisgain what will Kiffy do?
My guess is crash & burn. Al Davis might be more washed up than Sonny Jurgenson after 12 martinis but that does not mean he’s stupid.
November 11th, 2009 at 8:07 pm
24
NewAZTiger says:
Orson,
Close but no Cigar.
We actually Cloned Brandon Cox – he of Myasthenia Gravis and Ownage of UF – and went back 8 years before his birth and impregnated a woman to create Daniel Cobb. It was genius, in that the son is older than the father, and throws everyone off the time-travelling sperm show.
November 11th, 2009 at 9:22 pm
25
vw says:
Maybe you should take the turkey baster out of your ass. It might work better
November 11th, 2009 at 9:32 pm
26
Eric says:
I wholeheartedly believe this program is in place in all major sports. How else can you explain the never-ending line of Korvers in college/NBA hoops?
One question though: Would abortionbots really come from the SEC? That sounds much more like something you’d get from the Pac-10 or even the Ivy League.
November 11th, 2009 at 9:48 pm
27
Kennyhtml says:
NewAZTiger is right: It is the Cox-Cobb clone.
But you’re right too, they smell like cookies. That’s why its the loveliest village.
November 11th, 2009 at 10:01 pm
28
MiseanAUFan says:
“Ya mean they didn’t have some Tee Martin clones lying around?”
The Mobile Press put an end to that- they were tired of firing their sportswriters.
November 11th, 2009 at 10:18 pm
29
wreck17 says:
This post is dumb. This could never happen-
(Thinking about the possibility of cloning Paul Johnson to have a successor in place when he goes to a football factory program)
the technology just isn’t there. Losers.
November 11th, 2009 at 10:24 pm
30
Travis Henry says:
I think my contributions to future recruiting should be acknowledged here.
Thanks…and can anyone spare a few bucks?
November 11th, 2009 at 10:32 pm
31
robert says:
Ahhh! It finally clicks. God is punishing South Carolina for being so liberal and anti-baby/pro-abortion. Got it.
November 11th, 2009 at 10:32 pm
32
Plucky Purcell says:
You be-’little’ him, but I once had an Auburn co-ed tell me in bar that Daniel Cobb had the biggest dick she’d ever seen. I said “Did you say ‘had’ or ‘is’”. She giggled and said ‘yes’.
November 11th, 2009 at 10:52 pm
33
gamedaytribe says:
Even knowing it was only a letter to the editor, I can only echo Holly’s
[head --> DESK] [head --> DESK] [head --> DESK] [head --> DESK] [head --> DESK] [head --> DESK]
helplessly.
November 11th, 2009 at 11:23 pm
34
Brizzle says:
That might be the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard today.
November 12th, 2009 at 2:01 am
35
Lit3Bolt says:
Screw Tee Martin clones. I’m hoping there’s some debased half retarded horribly mutated Clausen brother who lives in an attic still out there that might want to go to Tennessee. Remember, no matter how bad he is, he’s still better than Nick Stephens, because Nick Stephens is the back up quarterback to a Giant Catfish (which has proved to be surprisingly teachable…which makes me wonder if Kiffin is using Matrix style teaching modules for Crompton’s genetically crippled moonshine brain).
November 12th, 2009 at 4:42 am
36
DougoUConnPlaysFootball? says:
Re: 32
You may have heard stupidest-er? Please share with the rest of the class.
November 12th, 2009 at 5:22 am
37
Vern says:
O. M. G.
November 12th, 2009 at 10:13 am
38
rwphonics says:
Thank Xenu that Cobb transferred from UGA, thus ensuring the Dawgs QB pool stayed untainted.
On another note…I played ball with Cobb in HS. All he did was throw deep to blazer Corey Patterson (yes, the MLB player), and be an amazing douce. We ran the wing-T! This was FAIL from the start.
November 12th, 2009 at 10:24 am
39
Drake McHugh says:
Cobb Clones: Good enough to beat Florida!
November 12th, 2009 at 12:04 pm
40
ed says:
man, i was pro-abortion until i found out that it might keep rocky top from pounding uga on a yearly basis. time to change my world view…
November 12th, 2009 at 3:35 pm
41
sevenDs says:
Cobb is actually from the Jeff Goerge product line. Unfortunately, these mutate with each generation. Good enough to make you think he deserves the job until he actually gets the job, then he makes you wonder why he even put on the uniform.
November 13th, 2009 at 10:07 am