HOWARD SCHNELLENBERGER'S TOP 25, WEEK WHATEVER, SONNY

by Orson on Nov 10, 2009 1:10 PM EST

schnellenberger

1. Suspenders, for the 746th week in a row.

2. Whole Plums. Codgers swear by prunes, but the pits are key. The digestive aid you can hear working.

3. Ted's Drive-thru Smoked Fish, Liquor, and Mens Finery, A1A, West Palm Beach. All your needs in one place.

4. Accountants who don't turn out to be housecats. I'll get you, Colby Nolan.

5. Clydesdales. Mass transit Kentucky-style.

6. Squirrels. You'd think they'd make great corners, but we tried that in '85. Got us to a bowl game, but I wouldn't dare try it twice.

7. Paraffin. Hair product, boat sealant, delicious snack.

8. Apollo 11. But not 13. John Swigert was a pantywaist.

9. David Allan Coe. That man can spell relief.

11. Post-hole diggers. Bury small amounts of gold doubloons in your backyard for a 401-karat retirement plan. Can also double as marital aid.

12. The English School of Feminine Landscaping. The palm trees let a man know he's found the oasis, ladies.

13. Lobsters. Great listeners.

14. Thunder Road. Only instructional driving movie a man needs.

15. Mrs. Butterworth. Nothing like that silhouette to stir a man's loins in the morning. Someday she'll talk to me, that flirt.

16. Chum. Breakfast of champions, aftershave of ladyslayers, and surefire friend-finder for a morning swim.

17. Turfman's All-in-One Flare Gun and Dentifrice Dispenser. Mind which end you use unless you want the wake-up call of a lifetime. Another essential product from the Turfman Company, makers of Turfman's Scotch: "If you can't join the Whig Party, you can always drink Turfman's."

18. Coriander. Grind a little onto your yarbles. Fresh as a daisy and smells like autumn. Ladies like it cozy down Mexico way.

19. Lima. Good town for a burro-throwin', lady-towin' man like myself. Their burros just love a good tossin'.

20. Grover Cleveland. Great president. Better hangman. The best muppet.

21. USC. God, John Robinson's got some work to do there, I tell you.

22. Orange Julius. Demand they leave the shell on the eggs. Makes a mustache firm enough to scrub the scum off a tugboat's hull. Which is what I'm doing right now.

23. Mack Brown. The man can rhumba like he's skinned and eaten Carmen Miranda. And we've all been there.

24. Bolo ties, aka. "The West Texas Emergency Sex Brake." Pull it for relief, ladies of the Llano Estocado.

25. Bathroom attendants. I don't pay 'em to applaud, but they do anyway.

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Comments

This is the best segment in the history of segments. We all believe it to be true.

by Pepper Rodgers on Nov 10, 2009 1:23 PM EST reply actions

this honestly makes as much sense as any other coach’s ballot i’ve seen this season…

by beckett929 on Nov 10, 2009 1:29 PM EST reply actions

Bravo. This feature is my Digital Viking of the football year.

by Domer Guy on Nov 10, 2009 1:31 PM EST reply actions

Important distinction: A1A runs through Palm Beach, not West Palm Beach. I assume Coach Schnellenberger doesn’t hang out on the wrong side of the intercoastal unless he’s playing jai-lai or going to the airport en route to whatever place where one might hunt komodo dragons.

by Claws on Nov 10, 2009 1:36 PM EST reply actions

26. They don’t ever pour the ‘Gatorade’ over my head. In that cooler is what’s left of my game time cocktails.

by Three Putt on Nov 10, 2009 1:46 PM EST reply actions

I really hope howard schnellenberger is this batshit insane. He’d make the best kind of grandfather, the “clint eastwood in gran torino” kind.

by University of Georgia, Florida Campus on Nov 10, 2009 1:48 PM EST reply actions

“Bathroom attendants. I don’t pay ‘em to applaud, but they do anyway.”

Loud sustained applause.

by Bill in Birmingham on Nov 10, 2009 1:52 PM EST reply actions

Rich Brooks thinks this is bullshit.

Which begs the question…who ya got in a Rich Brooks – Schnelly cage fight? I mean, Schnelly would eventually wear down Coach Brooks, but I bet it would be closer than the experts think.

by fresh on Nov 10, 2009 1:56 PM EST reply actions

is missing, am I missing some joke about it’s omission?

by Andy Reid Cocaine Emporium on Nov 10, 2009 1:57 PM EST reply actions

Indeed. This has become the highlight of my work week. My officemates are beginning to question my raucous cackling at something other than the play of our foobaw team.

by She Blinded Me With Violence on Nov 10, 2009 1:58 PM EST reply actions

I actually paid money and dragged my family to the UAB-FAU game in Birmingham last weekend pretty much just to see Howard.

He was fully suited and suspendered, and b/c it was UAB, (about 5k at Legion field) I almost got close enough to bask in his manliness.

The funny thing is, like Bowden, he doesn’t really coach anymore (unless by mind control-he wears no headset) but unlike Booby, you could tell he was fully in charge.

I also think he had like four inch lifts on his wing tips, but I coudn’t get a real good look.

by Bill on Nov 10, 2009 2:02 PM EST reply actions

Borkum riff still can’t crack the top 25

by blazin on Nov 10, 2009 2:09 PM EST reply actions

- Nor Hai Karate!

by Ohiodawg on Nov 10, 2009 2:16 PM EST reply actions

Even Schnelly has USC ranked above Oregon… JEEZ!!

by CincySooner on Nov 10, 2009 2:39 PM EST reply actions

Can we see the picture of the gatorade celebration again, please? Also, it was all that I could do to keep from crying when I saw how far Coe has let himself go. Get back on the poor man’s speedball, dude! He’s like the Stevie Nicks of Country ’n Western.

by haveagreatday on Nov 10, 2009 3:08 PM EST reply actions

These get better every week. Not coincidentally, there are fewer and fewer teams listed every week. That said, palm trees? I find anything standing taller than a well-trimmed hedge in your panties, lady, and we need to have a serious conversation.

by Harris on Nov 10, 2009 3:22 PM EST reply actions